Am I being stupid and potentially leaving myself in a vulnerable position?

[GreatPlumBiscuit]

So conflicted about my current situation and would appreciate some advice.

Im in my early 50s and have been living in my partner's house for the last 4.5 years after selling my property to release funds and move in with him. It happened quickly, I moved in after a few months of dating him.

I've paid 50% of everything since I moved in. He is mortgage free, so 50% of all bills, food, insurance etc.

We're coming up to 5 years of being in a very committed relationship and I'm starting to feel very anxious about my situation.

I'm divorced and suffered from financial and emotional abuse in my first marriage. I promised myself I'd never leave myself vulnerable again after my first marriage broke down, it took everything I had to get over the abuse and cheating.

I find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.

But I'm uncomfortable with the fact that I am not building up anything for myself or my future.

What if he dumps me, or dies! He will not talk about marriage, if I even mention a civil ceremony he clams up. He has no will and doesn't seem to want to make one.

How do I protect myself in this situation? Just carry on living here and paying half of everything?

Why is it that I feel the need for marriage to feel secure.

He's such an avoidant personality... I can't even talk to him about doing up the mouldy en suite we've been living with for over 4 years... it's disgusting but he says he's not bothered by it.. I've offered to pay half to rectify it but he shouted at me and said he's happy to live with it as is.

Am I being stupid to just carry on coasting along ..... I need something solid. I lost everything when my first husband left me, am I leaving myself vulnerable again?

"Just don't want to face the facts that are staring me in the face."

But, you must. There really isn't anything scary. Pack up your belongings and just go.
No forwarding contact info.
You are in a types of abusive controlling relationship. He's dragging you down. Your self esteem sounds non-existent.
If you try and talk things through, try for more, try to get him to understand your needs you will waste more time and energy and nothing will change. You'll just be older, feel worse and have less money. You've tried and tried and tried to no avail. If you can't plan your exit then just find a flat to rent now, pack up when he's gone for the day and get out. Honestly.

You need to prioritise yourself.

It's perfectly clear that he has no intention of providing any security for you. Staying with him is against your best interests. He has forced this position on you so feel no guilt about leaving and moving on with your life.

Don't make it 6,7 or 8 years. You are not enjoying life. Make decisions to make yourself happy starting now.

Well you would have needed to pay rent to live somewhere op.

Please don’t be too down on yourself. It sounds as if your last relationship put you through the mill. Your current bf is not who you thought he was. This is not a committed relationship. I’m so sorry.

Just a word of encouragement; our brains our wired to keep us safe which is why sometimes it feels easier to stay than take the risk of leaving. But now you don’t feel safe staying either because of the insecurity of your situation. Better to chose your hard and take that leap! Imagine living independently and peacefully in a lovely flat somewhere with a beautiful bathroom 💐. You are strong, you survived your last relationship and you will survive this one and you can do this!

Btw, I would keep your plans close to your chest and only announce your departure when everything is set up. Good luck.

Okay, I think you are mixing valid concerns with things that don't really make sense. If you were on your own you'd be paying bills. Paying half the bills seems fine, and doesn't seem to make you less secure? And living rent and mortgage free makes it easier to become independent (just make sure your investing what you would spend on rent). You say if anything happened to him you'd be out on your arse, but if you have years of rent-free living, surely you can build up a stash to provide a cushion.

Now if you hate where you live and he can't move, well that's a complaint that makes sense to me. If your location means you can't get the type of job you want, in a way that makes you more vulnerable, I also get that.

But I understand why your partner might find it confusing given there way you've framed it here, and that might have been making the conversation harder.

You said he has school aged children. I'll bet your half of the bills includes what they cost him when they come to stay. Also that he palms off some of the child minding on to you and that you do the majority if not all of the housework.

If any of those things are true, have a good hard think about whether someone who truly loves you would treat you that way.

“ find myself with a lovely man now. Kind, caring, lovely to me.”
“it's so hard to leave someone who declares such love for me.”
”he refuses to do any home improvements and if anything ever happened to him, or us, Id just be out on my arse, homeless”

OK, OP, so which if the above are actually true? Because a kind, caring, lovely man doesn’t make you live with a mouldy student-type bathroom, particularly when you’ve offered to pay half, or leave you living in such a state of insecurity that you could on the instant be made homeless. At the very least, I’d insist he made a will leaving you a life interest in his house, which would then go to his DC, so you would have somewhere to live if he were to pre-decease you. He seems to take the line of least resistance - it’s too much trouble to get people in to do the shower; he won’t commit to marrying you; he hasn’t written a will - so issue him with an ultimatum. It’s the only way anything will change. And if that doesn’t work, leave for your own sanity and self-preservation. Otherwise, as you have noted, you could literally be thrown out onto the street. Just don’t let him do this to you, OP: it’s time to take action, and find out just how “kind, caring and loving” he really is.

From what you've written, you'd be happier living in a tiny studio flat that was your own space than in a house with this man.

At the moment you have no security or autonomy. You deserve those things.

If he has school age children, he can’t afford to provide you with the security you want. He owes it to them, not you.

It was madness to sell your home and rely on him for one when he clearly already had dependents that take priority. He probably does love you and would be hurt if you split because his desire to have a relationship you is not a reflection of his ability to provide financially for you if you split or he died.

If he does really love you, you getting a job and a flat won’t end your relationship entirely if you don’t want it to.

Wise words.

It's concerning that you are dipping into your house sale proceeds even though you have no rent or mortgage to pay. That money should be growing not shrinking. 100% priority needs to go to more hours and more secure work right now. Then decide whether it's a relationship you want ro be in or not.

You're crying because of fear, I think. He has school age children and enough to think about. You need to sort your own stuff out quickly, then decide whether your new, sorted self wants him in your life or not. Being unable to cover your living costs is clouding your judgement.

Strangers on the internet are an uninvested, independent party. Sometimes that’s the best place to test out your own thinking and see if it holds up.

These things are never as straightforward when you’re in the middle of them, though.

It’s definitely time to put yourself and your future first. You’re in a house that embarrasses you with a noncommittal partner who is treating you like a lodger. Whatever happens to that relationship, you need to put down roots for yourself and yourself only.

I'm basically just a lodger here I guess.

Except you don't pay rent. I don't see how any of this is his fault. You quit your job and sold your house to live off the proceeds. That's entirely on you. It would not be right to expect any share of his house.

Run, so fast.
You have decades ahead of you, don't waste it with someone who thinks moldy is good enough for you.

@GreatPlumBiscuit

Im tied to where we live because he has school age children,

And there you have it. He wants everything he has to go to his children. Personally I can't find fault with that. But what that means to you is that he will never put himself in a position where you might have a claim against anything of his that he feels should go to his children. That's probably even the reason he gets so upset about fixing up the bathroom. He's worried that if you put money into improving the house, you may have some sort of legal claim on a percentage of it should he predecease you (I don't know if that's true legally or not). But what this means to you is there will be no marriage, no civil partnership. No legal ties of any kind.

Just out of curiosity, do you provide much of the day to day care for his children when they're with him? OK, I'll just say it. Are you a 'nanny with a fanny'?

If I were you I'd take a good hard look at my future and my finances. If you stay how much will you be able to save each month towards buying something? Would you be better off renting a room somewhere or a small studio flat? And you say you 'sold up and moved'. Would you be happier elsewhere?

So agree.

He is treating you as a housemate who goes halves on the bills and conveniently provides sex.

He doesn't listen to your legitimate concerns because he is totally self absorbed.

You deserve so much better.

So pull your big girl pants up and take charge of your present and future.

Find your own place, ditch him and and start breathing again instead of living in fear of suddenly being homeless if he dies.

Not being harsh , he doesn’t love you , he’s showing no regard to you at all.

You can apply for a buy to let mortgage in your situation - you can be a stay at home person and get a buy to let mortgage with zero income. Speak to a broker.

The income needed is based on rent covering the mortgage. Broker not your bank.

The money is not the problem it’s the avoidant man.

The writing is in the wall here. He will not discuss things, you are on your own.

Plan accordingly.

It’s not a partnership if he is an avoidant. It’s just not.

Just to add to my earlier post. I’d buy a buy to let, then overpay as much as possible (using the fact you don’t pay rent to your advantage).

He wants his assets to go to his kids. I agree with him. He may be happy with you buying a buy to let. Maybe it will help you feel secure and him open up. Why did you sell your place and not rent it out?

Get the job and double save before you leave and have to start paying out on rent or mortgage.

@GreatPlumBiscuit stop beating yourself up and just start to get your ducks in a row. You dont have to split up, you just have to future proof your life ahead. I would quietly start gathering info on costings/rentals/mortgages. If you are using your own savings for this house though, then id be moving out much quicker. If you arent, then id be biding my time.

He just sounds like someone who floats along and also who naturally wants his assets to go to his own children. The current situation suits him.

I also know people who were in similar scenarios and ended up stuck because they ran out of money. Don't be like that. You're in an ok position now to help yourself.

There is truth to this, but it won't address the relationship issues OP is describing. The lack of care, or being seen as an equal in the supposed home she lives in

I think OP, start making moves to do your own thing (the salaried job for mortgage etc.) If you want to keep him in your life without the current living arrangement, you can. You don't have to break up with him.

I don't know if that would work for you, if something is slowly retreating in you because you are not experiencing the care and commitment you crave. But at least by then you will have your own place ready to go to.

It will be interesting to see how he will react. He does as he pleases - protecting his assets - and you're expected to accept that. Can he reciprocate that? Or will he be sore that he will have to pay all his own bills?

He's not going to commit is he? He can't even commit to a new bathroom. Yes I'm afraid you have been silly by moving in with him so fast and selling your property - and why aren't you saving like mad if you're only paying half of bills and no rent or mortgage?
You are hoping for him to turn into someone he's not, and for him to fix your financial mistakes by what? What are you waiting for him to do? Marry you so you can invest your money in his house? That doesn't seem on the cards, and without marriage your money is safer in your bank account, but it's losing money each year that goes by where it's not invested in anything!

So if he died tomorrow who would inherit the house? And where would you live if that happened?

It happened to a neighbour of mine. After 25:years living with her partner he died, no will. His children, who she considered family, chucked her out of the house immediately. They didn't even let her take any furniture as they said she had no proof she'd bought any of it.

This made me really push my partner to get married after 30 years together, house in his name. He used to look like a wet dog when I suggested marriage but luckily he changed his mind.

I don't really understand the comments recommending leaving only to rent. This offers no real security either, although someone else would be responsible for repairs. The OP doesn't currently have a permanent full-time job. She would have to fund all the rent and bills from her rapidly reducing savings just to live, assuming a landlord was even willing to take her on.

The priority is getting a permanent job to fund the next move.