AIBU - Friend inviting adult children to meet-ups.

[beanseggsbacon]

NC

Not sure if AIBU so posting here for opinions.

We are a group of 8 friends. We have been friends for 30+ years. We meet every 3 months or so.

We all have children who are now aged between 16-25.

One of the group has now started inviting/bringing her three adult children.

We have a WhatsApp group with the 8 of us in it.

One of us will message the group to arrange the next meet up and this one friend will reply that they can come and so can her children.

I don’t want to meet up with her children, so I have declined the last meet up and just said I’m busy but to carry on without me.

I just think it completely changes the dynamic of the group and I don’t really want to share personal stuff that may be going on in my life that I would otherwise share with the group for their opinions etc

Two of the group also feel the same as me, but I don’t know about the others.

We haven’t been asked if it’s ok, we have just been told they are coming.

They also aren’t particularly nice to be around.

The time before last, I did go, but it was basically a monologue of them, their achievements and how amazing they are. No one else really got a word in.

AIBU?

Is this what normally happens in groups, when the children become adults? We never really all met up with the children as children.

I have a fairly dysfunctional family so don’t know if this is standard.

Opinions appreciated.

Thanks

I think it is possible to put your boundary down in a friendly way. “ Lovely as it is to see the kids Cheryl I think Friday it’s easier if it’s just the 8 of us or it gets abit unwieldy” big smile. That said here I would bin for other reasons.

You obviously don’t like this woman so stop meeting up with her and her children/grown-up Adults

You either have to bite the bullet and say let’s meet up on X date can the seven of you make this in the big group?

And if she does say I can come +23 of my children, then you just say I was talking about us do they not want to go out of their own friends?

Sometimes Need to be blunt

Then she doesn't sound like a good friend. Maybe this group has run its course and you need a different group.
ETA I meant to quote OP saying this woman aggressively controls some of the other friends.

i love that you brought Balonz into this. Is he/ she all grown up now already?! 😍🙌

Also do men get this? Or is it just women’s socials that are seen as a free for all for the whole family?! 🙄

Its quite difficult to do without giving offence.
I would phrase it more as a question at the planning stage - is it just tbe 8 of us, or is for family too?

I think it’s very odd her kids even want to be involved with the mothers meet up.

Of course it isnt "normal" for people to bring their adult kids along to meet ups with their friends. The very fact you and others in the group find it rude and baffling is evidence of that!

I'd be having a kindly phrased word with this person and if they insisted they bring them then I would be declining meet ups with them and starting a separate WhatsApp group with my other friends. I have kids who are now in their late teens and I would never bring them along to a meet up with my friends because thats patently ridiculous.

We aren’t all on an equal footing within the group and the woman who is doing it, isn’t actually very nice.

I just read this part and actually I do think YABU- you seem to dislike this woman anyway and then go on to describe her as jealous and competitive. Her kids are also not nice apparently.

Why is it that everyone on MN has these awful, rude friends they seem to despise and yet they can never say anything to them? It's bloody weird. I love and care about all my friends- thats why they are my friends.

If you are choosing to hang out with people you dislike then thats on you. Either stop hanging out with her or stop complaining about it but you cant have it both ways. I notice you've also said you dont want to lose touch with the others, but surely, you can meet them separately, you dont all have to go out in one big group?!

so weird.

I think it's difficult with groups. I completely get wanting to keep the benefits of group of friends but struggling with particular members.

Your last paragraph made me laugh. What a nutter.

The number of adult women who seem to have friends they don’t actually like is mind boggling.

Oh yes!! Totally this. It’s clearly odd from all perspectives.
let’s meet up when you can be without your children, then I’d imagine it’s more relaxing for you. I felt sorry for you last time, being caught between family and friends like that!

It’s hard with groups of people, particularly when the meet ups have spanned years. It’s quite natural for people to splinter off after a period of time. I would concentrate on the members of the group you get along with best and arrange a catch up, just the four of you.

I have a group of mum friends. I like them all but we have broken off into smaller groups over the last couple of years for various reasons, some of us are just in the same spaces in life and get along better and are drama free.

I know right?

Its like

My best friend regularly tells me I’m pathetic, useless, selfish and fundamentally disappointing.

She has borrowed £17,000 from me, which she has no intention of repaying because apparently “money isn’t important between friends”.

I paid her rent for six months, bought her a car, paid for her holiday and once transferred £800 because she was “having a really difficult Tuesday”.

She lives in the house I bought for her and has recently asked whether I’d mind putting the utility bills in my name as it would “save her some admin”.

She also has my Netflix password.

Last weekend she told me I was a terrible friend because I wouldn't give her my kidney.

I said I might need it.
She said I was being selfish.

I’m honestly torn because she is a lovely person underneath it all.

AIBU to feel slightly hurt by this, and how do I say something politely without it becoming awkward?

I think there has been a rise in people seeing any social event as a family occasion.
I went to a leaving do for someone from work. It was a casual picnic/walk but I was surprised at how several others brought their partner and kids. There was no mention on the invite about bringing anyone plus the person leaving didn't have kids or a partner so it wasn't like people were bringing their family along to socialise with hers! Also the fact it was the whole family seemed odd, as the dads were available to look after the children (so not a single parent unable to find childcare) and therefore didn't need to come.

In-laws have friends who's now older kids very often come along too. I always have to check we are actually invited and the other "kids" are coming, because awkward.

honestly it sounds very childish. arrange to spend time with the people you want to. you are an adult and you have agency. you don't need permission. nothings going to happen to you if you do something slightly different

I think a lot of people have feelings of guilt about how much time they spend with their kids and "family time" and maybe that's how they rationalise doing this.

Just put on the group chat i want to meet up and talk about my heavy periods and fibroids and how much blood im losing or something similar so if theyre happy to listen to the details fill ya boots

Create a second group and meet up with those people occasionally so at least you get a break from the nonsense. This will never change so you are going to have to take steps for your own sake.

Why dont you just form a breakaway group of the ones you like. Why are you socialising with someone you dont much like. Just start declining arrangements then contact those you do like.

I wouldn't like this at all, especially if the 'children' aren't even particularly enjoyable company. I think I might ask at the outset if the meet-up could be for the friendship group only.

My DP's best friend has started doing this and I'm convinced it is because he doesn't know how to be alone with his adult son and so uses DP as a sort of buffer.
But it changes the dynamic and even though the lad is 26 years old, it sort of puts both DP and his friend into "dad mode", if that makes sense.
Nothing against 26yo, he's actually lovely, and the occasional inclusive meet up is fine, but generally DP just wants to have a few beers with his friend.
He told his mate last time if he does it again, DP is going to bring our 3 y/o and see how he likes it! 🤣 (We know it's not the same at all, and he was only joking - just to clarify for Mumsnet!)

Why would her kids even want to join in on ‘middle age chat’ as my 21 year old calls it! I was meeting up with five friends and as we have moved away from that area but were returning home straight after, my DD was with me. She declined joining us (for reason stated) but did come in for the last five minutes. She said it was so stereotypical: kids, menopause, our health - two of us were in hospital recently - that she was very amused.
Id do as suggested and tell your friend something like you’d just want to see her. After all I used to do a couples ladies only dinners and inevitably one of the women would ask if she could bring her DH and I always said ‘nope no men allowed’. She never took offence.