AIBU - Friend inviting adult children to meet-ups.

[beanseggsbacon]

NC

Not sure if AIBU so posting here for opinions.

We are a group of 8 friends. We have been friends for 30+ years. We meet every 3 months or so.

We all have children who are now aged between 16-25.

One of the group has now started inviting/bringing her three adult children.

We have a WhatsApp group with the 8 of us in it.

One of us will message the group to arrange the next meet up and this one friend will reply that they can come and so can her children.

I don’t want to meet up with her children, so I have declined the last meet up and just said I’m busy but to carry on without me.

I just think it completely changes the dynamic of the group and I don’t really want to share personal stuff that may be going on in my life that I would otherwise share with the group for their opinions etc

Two of the group also feel the same as me, but I don’t know about the others.

We haven’t been asked if it’s ok, we have just been told they are coming.

They also aren’t particularly nice to be around.

The time before last, I did go, but it was basically a monologue of them, their achievements and how amazing they are. No one else really got a word in.

AIBU?

Is this what normally happens in groups, when the children become adults? We never really all met up with the children as children.

I have a fairly dysfunctional family so don’t know if this is standard.

Opinions appreciated.

Thanks

I find this happens with any younger people in a group. No one older gets a look in. Although they are great youngsters.

What do you and the other six friends get out of being the audience for this family group?

You only meet 3-4 times a year and yet seem to be willing to allow the friend and her family entourage to dominate the occasion with their behaviour. This is not a "friends' get-together" but more of a command performance.

It’s good that the four of you are on the same wavelength and you will at least have these 4 going forwards. With the wider group, you can either make a stand and use some of the example phrases people have offered in this thread, and risk backlash, or you can simply withdraw as you have done.If you simply withdraw, you are out anyway so what do you have to lose by asking for it to be child free and then not coming if it isn’t? You can try to stay on friendly enough terms and in the chat to say each time - ‘l’ll pass this time, let me know when it will next be just the 8 of us as I’d love to catch up’

It’s becoming increasingly clear from @beanseggsbacon‘s updates that she doesn’t much like some of them…

Couldn't you just arrange a date and before she has the chance to say her kids are coming, say you've booked a table for the 8 of you or something like that? If you do want her there.

I know someone like that. She runs a hobby group that I joined and three people have left because of her. A couple of people are "under her spell" though so everyone is careful about saying anything about this woman in their presence.

USE YOUR WORDS!!! Susan why are you inviting your children? They aren’t invited! YOU are invited not your children! We don’t want your children there!!!

if i was one of the kids i really would not want to go to this type of group meet up.have they no friends of their own, very odd

You are absolutely right. You should have nipped it in the bud. I have always drawn a huge difference between children and parents and was vocal about it. Lots of parents are truly crazy and they think their children are of interest to everyone - how annoying. They start very early - they invite, for example, other parents and children (their children's friends) to their children's concerts!!! I ask you. Honestly.

That's what I thought! My adult kids would look at me pityingly if I asked them to come along and meet up with my friends (who they know and like but regard as 'old people'.) Do they not have lives of their own?

@beanseggsbacon i see you’ve had the epiphany you needed, 😊

life is too short to feel like this. See the people you like. Who cares if she’s offended?

she doesn’t care if you’re not happy with how she behaves or treats you

you’re giving this woman way too much power tbh

You know you’re not being unreasonable, the 3 others feel as you do, so just arrange to see them and see how things go

That’s weird, my mum has loads of friend meet ups and I have never once been to any of them at anytime in my adult life.
my kids are a bit younger and I wouldn’t invite them when they are older to things with my friends, in fact they don’t come now if it’s not a child specific thing.
can you ask her? You could put it like this ‘Sandra, we were thinking the next meet up is just for us ladies, is there a reason why jack and Suzy are coming along to out meet ups? We don’t want to be mean but it’s a bit odd that they want to hang out with us all the time ? ‘

My parents friends started doing this - adult daughter in her thirties plus her then husband. No one liked the husband yet they appeared at dinner parties in invited and were always at gatherings of the group. I think they didn’t have many friends and decided this group of seventies years olds were good fun (and there is always a lot of food and booze). It only stopped when the couple separated.

I have on occasion attended a party my parents have thrown if invited. I have known their friends my whole life and it is nice to catch up. But I am nearly fifty! I certainly don’t do this every time they meet up so see them once every few years.

It would be totally normal and reasonable to say "just us lot" for a meet up and book or a table for the number of adult friends coming.

I've done similar when a mate kept bringing her boyfriend to our friend meet ups. She tried to bring him to my birthday meal when even my own husband wasn't coming. It transpired that he was a coercive controlling dickhead.

I have kids in their teens and 20s. Sometimes the teens are around if we're drinking with our friends at our local sports club after games but in those situation their friends are there too so they sit with their teen and team mates or go do something together and return. That's much easier to navigate and not your situation at all - I'd never bring the older 2 along to a meet up with my girl mates.

That said, I've recently heard friends moaning about other friends always having their 19 or 20 year old daughter with them at house parties and holidays because she drags the mood down, makes them filter what they're sharing etc. So there are other people in your situation.

I've seen your comments that mention your woman not actually being very nice so I'd suggest just starting some smaller meet ups with the ones you actually like. Don't make them too casual so people can drop in, do a few ticketed things or stuff you need to book like a nice meal out or an activity or a show or a concert.

I think it's normal to do both, but planned in advance. My mum is having brunch with her little crew this week, I know because she's awaiting cataract surgery so DH and I are currently acting as her own personal chauffeurs. But they will also do events through the year where families are invited, so we go to carols by candlelight with them and some of their daughters, or meet up for lunch/dinner sometime near mother's day.

She's being rude by not asking but I reckon the way to combat it without rocking the boat is to say "lovely to see the kids last time Susan, shall we invite them all to xxx for Christmas and then do lunch at xxx just the girls?"

No its not normal but once again on mumsnet I am begging the OP to stop martyring themselves and care much, much less about what a not very nice person thinks. Tell them what you think and if they stop talking to you then win win! Your life will be much better, I promise you.

You need to say something.

I'd just be pretty honest about it. If you've been friends for 30+ years, I'm sure it'll be fine.
"Jane, I'd actually love to see you without the "kids" this time... It's nice to see them from time to time, but it does really change the dynamic when it's not just "us lot". I'd really like it to be just us adults this time, so that we can properly catch up."

Weird for these young adults to even want to go and hang out with friends of their parents... If it was family, aunts and uncles for instance, I'd get it. But parents friends? Odd.

Absolutely NBU.

We had this with a couple we knew and their kids took over everything. I invited them for drinks on one of my big birthdays and they brought their teenage sons. The older one spent the entire evening talking about calories. I said to him several times to stop talking about bloody calories but he kept shoehorning it in. On another occasion, several years later, we'd invited the same couple for dinner and a catch up and they turned up with their older son, now well into his 20s. We had to make space at our tiny dining table, making for a cramped table, and reduce the amount everyone had to eat. That wasn't actually the final straw, but it did come.

Why don't you suggest that it's beneficial having multi-generational get-togethers occasionally and that your "group" should schedule this in as a regular occasional meet-up where all the (probably female) children join your group for nibbles and drinks (or whatever it is you want to do). But that your normal group meetups remain just the original mums. My DM used to do this, hosting a joint get together with her friends and the next generation down of adult women in their extended families. However, she met regularly with "her group" so the multi-generational meet ups were every couple of months. In your case, as you only meet with these women a few times a year, that wouldn't work. But at least you can say that changing the group to an intergenerational one is altering its purpose too much for you. That way, you're not targetting the one women who is doing this.

It is very annoying, especially if you say no and then they still push back. Fortunately the rest of us are on the same page so it doesn’t happen very often now.

I don't really know how to vote.
YANBU at all to not want random tag along kids coming to your nights out.
But you also don't like this woman and presumably the others that are loyal to her will also not be any great loses either, you have found a solution with having a smaller breakaway group but its still not enough.

Just stop going. Everytime she says she can go to something say oh great be good to see you and everytime she mentions bringing her kids then drop out and maybe mention she might enjoy her family get together without the rest of you hanging on. I actually could not deal with this at all, it is bloody rude and absolutely pathetic that the 'kids' want to go or that she needs them everywhere with her.