AIBU - Friend inviting adult children to meet-ups.

[beanseggsbacon]

NC

Not sure if AIBU so posting here for opinions.

We are a group of 8 friends. We have been friends for 30+ years. We meet every 3 months or so.

We all have children who are now aged between 16-25.

One of the group has now started inviting/bringing her three adult children.

We have a WhatsApp group with the 8 of us in it.

One of us will message the group to arrange the next meet up and this one friend will reply that they can come and so can her children.

I don’t want to meet up with her children, so I have declined the last meet up and just said I’m busy but to carry on without me.

I just think it completely changes the dynamic of the group and I don’t really want to share personal stuff that may be going on in my life that I would otherwise share with the group for their opinions etc

Two of the group also feel the same as me, but I don’t know about the others.

We haven’t been asked if it’s ok, we have just been told they are coming.

They also aren’t particularly nice to be around.

The time before last, I did go, but it was basically a monologue of them, their achievements and how amazing they are. No one else really got a word in.

AIBU?

Is this what normally happens in groups, when the children become adults? We never really all met up with the children as children.

I have a fairly dysfunctional family so don’t know if this is standard.

Opinions appreciated.

Thanks

😁😂 It could be worse then. Blimey.

Ok. So why do you care if you upset her if she’s not nice?

I think you don’t answer back when they’ve already said their kids are able to come but you pre-empt it. You message and say “let’s organise a girls/couples (whatever the group is) night for the 8 of us” and you prearrange the people who you have spoken to to jump straight in with “yes, I’d love a night for the 8 of us” and hopefully others will follow suit. Then if she comes back with her kids coming you can breezily say “would love to see them some other time when families are around but let’s do one just us”.

Someone else did bring their adult daughter once, we had a spare ticket, so she was invited. The difference was, she was so nice and it was really enjoyable getting to know her and be in her company.

The other friend is very competitive and can be quite jealous so perhaps that’s why she’s started this? It’s frustrating that we can’t just be honest without causing massive conflict in the group.

Because I like and enjoy the company of the other 6.

Stop inviting her.

I think its time to develop a breakaway group from this horrid woman and her tedious offspring.

This is so strange to me, I cannot imagine wanting to spend time hanging out with my parents’ friends as a teenager or young adult. Or now, honestly!

I had a friend who continually brought her partner along to our (otherwise one-on-one) meet ups without checking or asking. I don’t understand why people think it’s ok.

I was thinking the same.

I wish someone who does this could give their reasoning as to why on this thread.

Not my experience

That would be really helpful actually! Good idea.

Would they ostracise you for saying ‘would you mind if it was just us and no kids Sarah? I was hoping for a proper chat and the dynamic feels different when children are there.’

Yes

Ok you’ve got bigger issues then. Sorry. FWIW I had a friendship group with a toxic few people and I left. I see a few separately but I’m not interested in that bollocks at my age.

I appreciate it’s easy for me to say but a life without this shit is infinitely more peaceful.

Absolutely bonkers. I’d have to say something to her, mostly likely ‘why don’t your children have their own friends’…

Creative (or mean, who can say)

• Develop an urgent need to discuss menopause/incontinence/your newly developed raging libido/recreational drug use
• Chose an activity which can only accomodate 8. I was going to suggest netball but I’ve perhaps forgotten the rules. Maybe rowing?
• Each time the child says anything loop it back to the mother - ‘oh good banter, just like mummy’ ‘so insightful - just like mummy’… etc etc…

So form a new group with them, and ditch her.

Watching this with interest, as a friend of mine is doing the same.
For the last four years I’ve had to sit in rooms with her son contributing absolutely nothing and looking bored out of his skull. It's just weird. He's nearly 19 now and she still invites him

I know it’s not the point of the thread but does this not make you realise that hanging out with people who would ostracise you and who overpower you is not ok? Are there other people that you could do a breakaway group with?

You like the company of the other 6 friends - but they’d ostracise you if you suggested adult only meet ups?

If that’s correct, your group dynamic is contingent upon you all playing along with the 8th member regardless of your own opinions/comfort, something is really awry.

She's an idiot, what a shame. Good luck.

Four of us have formed a smaller group which helps as we can talk easily with each other.

None of us would actually arrange to go out as a 7 and purposely not invite her.

She is quite aggressive and seems to be in control of the other 3 more so than the smaller group we’ve created.

If these are your friends, I don’t understand why you can’t say anything like ‘can we make it child free?’

Why would the teens / early twenties children want to tag along in the first place?

Time to sack off the other 3 and the awful one with the kids and just arrange nights out with the group of 4.

Life is too short to be worrying about the reaction from people you don’t like. Stop letting her be Queen Bee and just remove yourself from all the potential drama.