AIBU - Friend inviting adult children to meet-ups.

[beanseggsbacon]

NC

Not sure if AIBU so posting here for opinions.

We are a group of 8 friends. We have been friends for 30+ years. We meet every 3 months or so.

We all have children who are now aged between 16-25.

One of the group has now started inviting/bringing her three adult children.

We have a WhatsApp group with the 8 of us in it.

One of us will message the group to arrange the next meet up and this one friend will reply that they can come and so can her children.

I don’t want to meet up with her children, so I have declined the last meet up and just said I’m busy but to carry on without me.

I just think it completely changes the dynamic of the group and I don’t really want to share personal stuff that may be going on in my life that I would otherwise share with the group for their opinions etc

Two of the group also feel the same as me, but I don’t know about the others.

We haven’t been asked if it’s ok, we have just been told they are coming.

They also aren’t particularly nice to be around.

The time before last, I did go, but it was basically a monologue of them, their achievements and how amazing they are. No one else really got a word in.

AIBU?

Is this what normally happens in groups, when the children become adults? We never really all met up with the children as children.

I have a fairly dysfunctional family so don’t know if this is standard.

Opinions appreciated.

Thanks

No, not usual in my experience.

I would reply along the lines of 'susan, do you want to suggest a date when you are free without the DC"
It needs calling out

The next time a meeting is suggested and it’s mentioned that the children can come then just say something like
oh if I remember right X Y and Z came along last time. Could we make it just the 8 of us this time? It’s lovely to see X Y and Z but it does change the dynamic of the night out and I’d love to just catch up with you all.
then hope the others jump in and agree (or get their support first!)

You need to say something.

No not normal ime. Why do people assume that their children are as fascinating to other people as they are to them ?🤷‍♀️

but it’s going to be hard to stop it from happening without causing a schism in your friend group. Can you find out whether everyone else feels the same? Does anyone like / know the friend who’s bringing her children well enough to have a word?

No, it's normal, so ffs, say something! There are so many threads here that could be sorted by people actually having a conversation!

If someone could say, in the WhatsApp “lovely to see Sheba last time! My Balonz was going to come along but obviously doesn’t want be stuck with us mums!” Would she get the hint?

Stuff like this drives me insane.
My children and my friends children are much younger but a couple of years ago we were in a position whereby we had arranged to go out with another couple. Their babysitter cancelled so they messaged to say they’d just bring their child. I said no, we will just rearrange. They kept pushing and pushing and in the end I simply said, “I’m not organising and paying for a babysitter to come out with your child. I don’t even want to be with MY children tonight”
They thought I was mental!

Seperate child free group may.be created.

Your points are more than valid and my battery is about to go which is the reaon for my brief reply!

Urgh I HATE this! If I wanted to talk about A level results or student houses I will talk to my own kids thanks.

We meet regularly and occasionally someone brings a young adult kid. Also it’s never the fun ones that will tag along with mum anyway. The normal kids wouldn’t be seen dead doing that.

This happened to me with a colleague that became a friend. They just started being with her when we met up. It wasn’t for me and I basically slowly stopped seeing her.

Seems strange to me, I'd not have wanted to spend my spare time with my parents' friends. No offence, and if it was a party or something fine, but between work/study/partner/friends, you usually don't get much spare time as a young adult. I's at least not have been rude, though. Unless they have needs and can't be left, I'd not feel bad saying you'd prefer to meet without them.
My friend had the opposite, in her group of 30 something friends, one couple started bringing their mother/MIL. Not being ageist, but she really changed the vibe.

Something needs to be said. I adked my sister if she wanted to come to a holiday home i had booked for me and friends. She accepted and said she would ask my niece- her daughter. I told her no. I agree the dynamics change.

Good for u

Maybe instead of ditching your friends of over 3 decades you could put on your adult pants and tell them how you feel? Why does everything need to be such a major confrontation on MN. It is perfectly normal to sit down a close friend and say you don't feel comfortable talking about your personal life in front of her adult children, for gods sake

Why on earth did you drop a friend instead of saying " Why don't just the two of us meet on Saturday"?

She had some other personality traits that I didn’t like.

@ColdAsAWitches a person who would bring along her rude kids is probably not a person you can have a mature conversation with. These kids are either coming along because they have no friends of their own or mom is too attached. Either way, it’s incredibly rude and any criticism probably won’t be taken well

It is a truth universally acknowledged that pretty much everyone hates it if you bring any family members to friends meet up. Even if they grit their teeth and say it’s fine they are lying.

I can see why a very occasional get together that includes kids could be ok but it's not normal to assume that they're invited by default.

No that's not normal. It's a group of similiar age and experience adults. Time to call it out or it'll continue and get worse

I appreciate all the comments.

To most, yes, just say something, be a grown up etc etc but in this group dynamic it isn’t that easy.

I most certainly am not the best person to deliver the message either.

We aren’t all on an equal footing within the group and the woman who is doing it, isn’t actually very nice.

@Greyblueeyes You’ve got it. It would turn into a big drama and no one wants that.

Especially a boyfriend or husband. But children are a close second.

I also can't help but notice that with any tag along people they are almost always obnoxious as fuck. It's rarely a nice normal partner or family member who at least has some social skills.

I fear that this is going to become a new 'normal' - I have started to see if with some of my friends who have (what they consider) 'amazing' children, they seem to see the world as being there for them and their children and meet ups become social training/networking/showcase for subsequently asking for work experience for their 18+ children who they consider the world should revolve around. There is no changing these people - I just come up with an excuse and then decline all future invites.

@WhatNoRaisins Yes! They are not nice to be around and the four of them basically hold court.