AIBU - Friend inviting adult children to meet-ups.

[beanseggsbacon]

NC

Not sure if AIBU so posting here for opinions.

We are a group of 8 friends. We have been friends for 30+ years. We meet every 3 months or so.

We all have children who are now aged between 16-25.

One of the group has now started inviting/bringing her three adult children.

We have a WhatsApp group with the 8 of us in it.

One of us will message the group to arrange the next meet up and this one friend will reply that they can come and so can her children.

I don’t want to meet up with her children, so I have declined the last meet up and just said I’m busy but to carry on without me.

I just think it completely changes the dynamic of the group and I don’t really want to share personal stuff that may be going on in my life that I would otherwise share with the group for their opinions etc

Two of the group also feel the same as me, but I don’t know about the others.

We haven’t been asked if it’s ok, we have just been told they are coming.

They also aren’t particularly nice to be around.

The time before last, I did go, but it was basically a monologue of them, their achievements and how amazing they are. No one else really got a word in.

AIBU?

Is this what normally happens in groups, when the children become adults? We never really all met up with the children as children.

I have a fairly dysfunctional family so don’t know if this is standard.

Opinions appreciated.

Thanks

@latetothefisting Reading my own comments back on this thread along with other peoples opinions on this, is literally making me think WTAF have I been doing. Why have I gone along with this for so long. Absolutely ridiculous.

I need to throw in the towel ASAP and meet the ones I like. Like a normal person. 😳

I had a similar thing. I’m friends with two sisters and one of them invited me round to watch a film. I was really looking forward to an adult evening away from my children. When I got there she said the other sister was coming ( fine) and she was bringing her teenage son (really not fine). All the evening was around making sure he was okay and what film he wanted to watch etc. I was so disappointed.

I think they’re of the dreaded ‘more the merrier’ types on here. If you’re looking forward to one kind of evening people really shouldn’t turn it into another kind of evening without at least checking that’s okay. It’s really self absorbed and rude. And bringing along your children even if they’re adults is even worse than bringing random friend.

Why do the grown up children want to go along anyway, that's almost just as surprising!

@beanseggsbacon fuck that ..You're quote from page one.
Nope I couldn't listen to that shite.

Truly bizarre.
I’d have to pay my 17 and 21 year old serious money to join me on a friends night out!!

I don’t know why other than they don’t have much of a social life.

They are highly intelligent young women, excelled at school and university and have good jobs. They are the oldest or same age as some of the other children in the group and on paper are the most academically successful.

They have all had serious relationships from a young age and tend to end one relationship and go into another quite quickly. Perhaps that’s why their friendship groups are quite small. They are know it all’s though too do hard to know.

It is a shame but even when they aren’t there, it’s all my friend talks about.

We were talking about something and she suggested I talk to her daughter about it as she knows all about that. Umm I’m nearly 30 years older than her daughter and what we were talking about was relevant to part of my job.

Yeah I couldn't be doing with this.

Let's arrange a child free day.

Sounds a bit ridiculous with older kids but she might get the hint.
X

Life’s too short to try and train other adults to become considerate and socially aware.

I know that taking my own adult DC along to social events completely changes the dynamic - you can't let your hair down/have a good old gossip - so you are so NBU.
I really value my time with old uni friends and my sisters - free of all our DC.

I used to have a friend who would bring any old random person he’d seen recently along to group gatherings where it was totally inappropriate. Some people just seem completely clueless about this stuff.

I have one friend who always brings her son who is a bore. I’ve not seen her for 2 years.

I’m part of a couples group and the mum with the oldest children who are mid teens suggested a couple of times that their children joined us on a meal out - fortunately one of our group without kids nipped it swiftly in the bud. The mum obv thinks her kids are great and family meet-ups like BBQs they sit with them the entire time without mingling. It’s lovely that they get on, but some ppl do assume everyone thinks their particular child/ren is amazing and enjoys their company as much as they do.

Like other posters, my kids (teens) wouldn't be seen dead at a gathering of me and my friends! They've got their own lives and social circles to attend to, which I'm pleased about as it means I've done my job raising independent children who don't need to hang with Mummy and her mates!

Good luck OP, your "friend" sounds tedious and it's time to say goodbye and leave her to her playdates.

Can you set up a smaller WhatsApp group with just the sensible friends and meet up without the dragon lady and her minions?

Why are you spending time with a woman who isn't very nice within a complicated friend group dynamic? You know that group socialising isn't compulsory? And inviting every friend in a 'group' to every event isn't compulsory? Just arranged things with the friends you actually like!

OP, you need to be direct. You need to say that you want to talk about things that you don't want the younger generation to hear, since they have different concerns and that her children are not your close friends. Say that you would prefer the group to go back to being your generation only. And you could end with "What do you think?" I noticed that my old boss would always end difficult propositions with that phrase. I think it's socially elegant because it softens what you've said before, and it gives the receiver the impression that you care what they think and that they have some sort of choice, even if that's not really true. And even if it's not really true, they've still been invited to express themselves, which tends to go down well.

If she gets all huffy, fine, then the group doesn't invite her again. Either way, the result is that you get your evenings back with your own generation and not having to edit yourself because there are three people there who aren't your close friends and who don't understand the concerns that you might want to talk about. I'm tempted to say "conversation that isn't for little ears" 🤣 but that's not quite right, considering they are adults. But there are shades of that.

If you don't say something, your gatherings are just going to be miserable. You've already sacrificed one.

And even if the adult children are nice, they're not your friends and not your generation and you can't talk to your friends the same way if they are there. For example, you can't talk about what a pain your parents are in their old age, or maybe how worried you are about their health. Those parents are the grandparents of the children present, so that conversation is never going to happen with the younger generation there, and Lord knows, the middle-aged need solace from each other about the challenges of elderly parents.

Another example is that I would not ask my friends if their bladders are much weaker in peri, with their kids there.

Nor would I talk about how I don't want commitment after a bad divorce or about my latest squeeze's marvellous manoevres in bed and how he's so much better than my exH.

Then there's conversation about midlife careers and retirement stuff. The concerns of the middle-aged are not the concerns of young adults, and these conversations are not for them. I can imagine that with young adults there, most of the attention goes on them. It just changes rhe dynamic, and I don't know why some people can't see that. This isn't the first time someone on here has posted with a very similar question, about one woman in the group bringing her child to all the meet-ups (although that child was younger).

OP I'm very curious to know how the bill split works with these 3 extra adults? Please tell me you at least don't pay for them?!

Yuk! Ive had this and think its something I need to be more alert to and check. Just spent a fortune on a weekend with a couple. Had loads i wanted to discuss. I have a dying relative and really needed to spend 20 mins just chatting to friend about this. Finally i found some space to talk to her privately, however the kids were close by (late teens and adults) and she actually stopped me after I'd been talking for about a minute to say that she could hear the kids having a climate change debate and she really needed to contribute. She hadn't even been listening to me!!

But you currently don't feel you can see the other 6 because of this unpleasant woman and her unpleasant adult children . You are putting yourself outside the group judt now so what have you got to lose. Either say something, potentially break up the existing group but with the possibility of a new group forming with people who don't want to meet with children. Or contact the ones you like and meet separately with them and leave them to meet with the existing group ( and woman and children) if they wish to whilst you give that bit a miss.

That's not a friend. That's an ex friend.

Nights out are too precious to waste with this crap.

The kids must be really boring if they're happy to hang around with a group of middle aged women! I would have to have bribed my DCs at that age to join a group of my female friends.

This applies to husbands too. A group of us used to meet for lunch at each others houses. One of the group asked us all round to her garden for lunch. I knew there was going to be a problem when 'Keith' her husband was out in the road telling people where to park and doing annoying gestures and shouting "reverse" and "wheel hard round!"
He then got a chair and said 'move up everyone, I need to sit in the middle so I can hear all your conversations'.
FO Keith!
The group died out after that!

Go out as a group of four then?

Definitely not normal. I would have a word with your other friends in the group and if you are all unanimous would tell her it’s you girls only . Agree it totally changes the dynamics. When me and my friends all meet up we talk about personal things that are just between us.