AIBU - Friend inviting adult children to meet-ups.

[beanseggsbacon]

NC

Not sure if AIBU so posting here for opinions.

We are a group of 8 friends. We have been friends for 30+ years. We meet every 3 months or so.

We all have children who are now aged between 16-25.

One of the group has now started inviting/bringing her three adult children.

We have a WhatsApp group with the 8 of us in it.

One of us will message the group to arrange the next meet up and this one friend will reply that they can come and so can her children.

I don’t want to meet up with her children, so I have declined the last meet up and just said I’m busy but to carry on without me.

I just think it completely changes the dynamic of the group and I don’t really want to share personal stuff that may be going on in my life that I would otherwise share with the group for their opinions etc

Two of the group also feel the same as me, but I don’t know about the others.

We haven’t been asked if it’s ok, we have just been told they are coming.

They also aren’t particularly nice to be around.

The time before last, I did go, but it was basically a monologue of them, their achievements and how amazing they are. No one else really got a word in.

AIBU?

Is this what normally happens in groups, when the children become adults? We never really all met up with the children as children.

I have a fairly dysfunctional family so don’t know if this is standard.

Opinions appreciated.

Thanks

Yes to a degree.

She is quite aggressive and can make it uncomfortable.

If I said or did something that she took offence too, she would say nothing, but the next time we met, if everyone was stood at the bar, for example, and I was last to arrive, she would turn her back on me so I couldn’t get in to the group, then pretend, she hadn’t seen me arrive. If that makes sense. Then by the end of the night, she would be your best friend again.

My teenager son will often drop me off or pick me up after meals out, cinema etc and would maybe have a drink or quick chat (we share a car), is this normal ? I am wondering now if its annoying to my friends ?

I would say different and absolutely fine.

I love hanging out with my adult dd but if I said I’m going out with friends x,y and z, do you want to come, she would find that so weird. I did have one friend who did this but her dd had social anxiety and she was a single mum so we told her to bring her and we all did a bit of loving aunt advice. We didn’t mind as it was agreed. If it was every time, that would have been an issue.

I could almost have written this! Group of 8, known each other 28 years, children all late 20s. One couple bring their adult DC (and now also the partners of said adult DC) to every social event! Unlike OP however, I do like the DC, but I just can't fathom it. The rest of us, our DC are off living their lives and quite naturally prefer spending time with friends their own age. I wouldn't have been seen dead socialising with my parents at that age.

Whenever get togethers are suggested, the response is always "Sounds good, I'll speak to X and Y to check they can make it". Then a follow-up "X and partner can make it but Y will be coming on their own". I even suggested going to a ticketed event and said explicitly I would book 8 tickets. All good, and I thought hallelujah, but on the day my friend messaged to say "Looking forward to this evening. X and Y have got tickets too so will be joining us". How can they be so unaware?!

Absolutely not normal
you need to say something to the friend

I have a group of friends for 30+ years that I see occasionally and while spouses are generally welcome I’d be seriously weirded out if any started brining their kids

Yeah, this is what I'd suggest. And do a slow fade from her on a personal level. Avoids all the drama.

I think that’s the way forward.

I posted here in case I was out of touch as I would never in a million years have been invited to hang out with my parents and their friends. I was told to go upstairs and stay upstairs if they ever had dinner parties etc times have changed so needed to check it wasn’t me being odd.

Also we sometimes want to discuss our kids and cannot if one
of their peers is sitting there.

Yes. Spending an evening with someone you don’t like, who brings guests you’ve no interest in, seems like a waste of a night out.

Cut this person out of your life, seriously. Who has time for this nonsense? Form a new group with the others.

Thank you for this. Glad I’m not alone 😂

In none of my ‘groups’ do spouses, partners or children ever put in an appearance. They’re not exactly banned, but there’s definitely an understanding that they’re expected not to attend!

I think this is also part of the issue.

The two I know who also don’t like it, like me, need to talk about our children. We have children with needs in one way or another and we need to vent and share and we can’t.

The sort of people who do this are often a bit extroverted and the sort who don't ever talk about or understand anything deep or sensitive or controversial. It doesn't naturally occur to them.

Quite.

Oh so that's so weird and annoying. Can you start asking the adult kids really intrusive questions such as: Are you seeing anyone? When are you going to try for a better job? When are you going to make [clueless friend] a granny then?
Basically just out-weird them and hope it puts them off tagging along again! 😁

Actually, you are right.

She is very outgoing, will work a room and talk to anyone. Seems very friendly and an extrovert to new people.

Nothing is really off limits conversation wise though, but is an over sharer rather than a listener.

In our group setting, will make digs at you for things we may share about our children. She’s complicated. If she bought her daughter a £200 handbag, we’d here about it for 2 hours, if I bought my daughter a £200 handbag she’d make a sly dig.

Its ok to ask for opinions and advice on here, for gods sake.

No opportunity to ask questions. We know everything already. 😂

You are definitely not being odd.

I had a friend who always wanted her daughter to tag along on a girls night out or meal. She was 14 and it totally changed the dynamics. Apparently she didn’t like girls her own age and preferred adult company. I used to arrange a lot of our meals and meet ups and I would make a point of saying ‘adults only’. She is 25 now and I’ll
be honest, I don’t really like her company. Bit of a princess and a know-it-all - I just avoid them as much as possible and go out with others in our group.

OP explained why she cant.

My adult kids will sometimes join me and my friends for nights out - usually live music events - we all enjoy similar music. They would never want to join us when we go out for tea or for quiet drinks though - i dont think they could imagine anything worse

Are they invited by the group?

Or will the group ask if anyone wants to see XYZ and you reply with yes and ABC are coming too or do you all book tickets independently?

Do others in the group take their children?

Genuinely interested in how this works for your group.

I mean, given everything you've said about her I can't fathom why you're all friends with her in the first place?

Surely if there are at least 3 of you that don't like this, you constitute nearly half the group so if she does take offence who cares?

I agree if you really don't feel you can say anything the only thing you can do is meet up in a smaller group.

Alternatively you and the others who have agreed it's annoying could all decide to bring YOUR partners and kids next time, she might get the hint (although tbh it's equally likely she's so oblivious/thick skinned she genuinely believes her awful family only add to any social occasion and are far superior to everyone else's).