MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

[leonorrr]

Me and my husband are both 35. We've been married for 6 years and have two children, and I'm currently pregnant with our third.

Around a year ago, my dad suddenly became very ill and was hospitalised for about a month. His insurance covered roughly 45% of the costs, but the remaining amount was still quite large.

I have an older brother and a younger sister. They're both married with children and have decent jobs, but me and my husband are higher earners, so we were in a position to contribute more. My siblings did contribute as well, but I paid the biggest share of the remaining hospital bills.

Thankfully, my dad recovered. After he left hospital, my mum and dad stayed with us for around 6 months because my dad needed regular hospital visits and support. Again, I covered most of the expenses, although my brother and sister also contributed.

For the last 4–5 months, though, I've noticed my MIL becoming quite cold towards me. Sometimes she seems to start arguments with me over things that don't really make sense. My SIL, who is my husband's younger sister, has also been distant. In June, she hosted a party and didn't invite either me or my husband.

About three weeks ago, we all stayed at my in-laws' house for 2–3 days. My MIL was clearly angry and eventually told me that I had "hijacked" her son and that we weren't really family anymore. She said I didn't consider them family and asked whether we ever thought about her health or what she wanted, because apparently we've spent so much money taking care of my family instead.

Honestly, that really hurt me.

She also said that my husband only has one sister, yet despite us earning well, we have never really helped her. I don't think that's entirely fair. My SIL and her husband both earn enough to live comfortably, and we do care about them. We regularly take her children shopping with ours, usually around once a month, and we send them gifts too. If they ever genuinely had a financial problem, of course we would help.

My MIL was crying and very angry when she said all this. My SIL was sitting there as well but didn't say anything.

The thing is, we were actually planning to tell them that I'm pregnant. The next day, we told them.

Nobody really reacted. Nobody congratulated us or even seemed happy. Me and my husband were both really upset.

Now it's been three weeks and neither my MIL nor SIL has called or messaged us. I invited my SIL and her family over this weekend, but she didn't answer my calls and didn't come.

My husband is really sad about the whole situation, and honestly, so am I. I don't understand what we've done that is so terrible. Yes, I helped my parents when my dad was seriously ill, and yes, I contributed more because I was able to. But does that mean I'm supposed to ignore my parents because my husband has a family too?

Interesting that she says all this to you and not to her own son.

Jeez, what a cow. Totally unreasonable. Your DH should be having a serious word!

I guess your husband really needs to talk to them, he knows them better than you do and it's really him they are annoyed at. They may well feel a bit neglected while you were quite rightly looking after your dad. I assume MIL has been stewing over it for months.

Perhaps you could write her a note explaining everything and saying you're sorry she was upset but it wasn't intentional and you would equally be there for her. Does she have health problems that she hasn't confided perhaps?

What you spend your money on is absolutely none of your MIL’s business. She isn’t your child, nor is your SIL. You don’t have to give them an “equal amount”. Your husband needs to explain this to them.

Edit: Even if your husband does explain this to them, it wouldn’t change anything for me. Their behaviour and entitlement is so outrageous, it would change the relationship I have with them and how I view them going forwards.

They appear to have cut you off.

I wouldn’t consider that bad news given their behaviour

Did you say to her that if she was in the same situation you would do the same for her?

Very bizarre that she would be jealous of you helping your dad in a health crisis. If there's not a secret crisis with her that actually does need your help, this is unbelievably grabby and unfair.

Good riddance to her I'd say. Anyway, as PP have said, why isn't your MIL saying this to her son and not you?.

Are you in the UK or is there some cultural expectations involved here?

so your MIL expects you to give her the same monetary amount that you’ve given to you sick father?
she sounds unhinged and if she’s cut you off, she’s done you a favour. Clearly she’s only interested in what she can get and not “her family”

how do they know you helped you father financially?

WTF, your dad was sick and that means you should give them the same money?

Seems unhinged behaviour and I am not sure there is any reasoning with these people. Been in a similar (ish) situation at similar stage and I suggest you block them and focus on your pregnancy. Let DH decide what to do about them

It seems a bit odd particularly the way they are treating your dh too. I do wonder though has your DH been complaining to his family or using your parents as an excuse not to do things with his family.

Is there a cultural expectation that you share all finances Op?

My MIL would definitely have preferred that DH & I subsidise his sister , who never worked, but that was never going to happen.

I would hate someone telling me that helping an ill parent was the wrong thing to do, but in this case I think your husband needs to be the one to talk to her; reassure her that he cares about her too, (and if relevant explain that he’s not there to subsidise his sister ), but also tell her that she is out of line to take her anger/ jealousy / whatever out on you.

Since when was everyone’s money some sort of communal money ?
Are you a different class to her son ? Did she hope for someone different for him ?

Pass this problem over to your husband. Kid crazy family- his problem.

Green eyed monster - you and DH are richer than them.

You're better off without them all. Take this as an opportunity to maintain that distance yourself, let your husband keep up the relationship if he wants to. They sound like total entitled nutjobs.

This is your dhs problem. Just cut them off. They just care about money, they won't be happy till you hand them money over.

YANBU. What you do with your finances are up to you and your DH. How did they find out you paid for their healthcare?

They have made this whole situation about themselves. Your dad was unwell! It’s not like you flew him out to a luxurious all inclusive holiday.

Regarding ignoring your pregnancy announcement is unforgivable. You seem very nice and they take you for granted. Funny how situations involving money reveal the true nature of people.

What a horrible money grabbing CF. I feel so sad for your husband being stuck with that poor excuse of a mother.

You both sound extremely generous, you have done nothing wrong.

Your MIL seems to know a bit too much about how much help and financial help you provided. It's obvious you had relatives staying over, but she should never have been told you financially helped. Lesson learnt.

Nobody really reacted. Nobody congratulated us or even seemed happy. Me and my husband were both really upset.
what a cow. It's no consolation for your poor husband, but at least your children won't be in touch with such a toxic relative.

I think I'd take the radio silence as a blessing and move on.

But I know if it was my inlaws I would be upset by this behaviour. I'd be tempted to say that when they are in hospital seriously ill, you will of course help out. Until then perhaps be grateful that you don't need the help.

Know that nothing you did has justified this response from them. Let your OH deal with the madness.

ETA - And congrats on your pregnancy!

Your MIL is being horrible. It's none of her business how much money you spend to help your parents. I'd give her a very wide berth and let her stew in her own vitriol.

I assume that you don't live in the UK where your dad's treatment would be free but in a country with a health insurance model like the USA where people can become bankrupt if they fall ill, even if they have insurance.

Where is she getting her information from? How does she know how much money you have spent on your parents?

Why is she expecting you to subsidise a sibling?

So they are nice to you when you financial support them or have the potential to if needed in the future. But if they think that may be at risk they have little use for the relationship?
Thats awful. Noone should expect you both to pay for anything. It just makes them sound very selfish .

Wow. The in law posts on here never fail to blow my mind. They are unhinged!
I am so lucky with my in laws 😅