MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

[leonorrr]

Me and my husband are both 35. We've been married for 6 years and have two children, and I'm currently pregnant with our third.

Around a year ago, my dad suddenly became very ill and was hospitalised for about a month. His insurance covered roughly 45% of the costs, but the remaining amount was still quite large.

I have an older brother and a younger sister. They're both married with children and have decent jobs, but me and my husband are higher earners, so we were in a position to contribute more. My siblings did contribute as well, but I paid the biggest share of the remaining hospital bills.

Thankfully, my dad recovered. After he left hospital, my mum and dad stayed with us for around 6 months because my dad needed regular hospital visits and support. Again, I covered most of the expenses, although my brother and sister also contributed.

For the last 4–5 months, though, I've noticed my MIL becoming quite cold towards me. Sometimes she seems to start arguments with me over things that don't really make sense. My SIL, who is my husband's younger sister, has also been distant. In June, she hosted a party and didn't invite either me or my husband.

About three weeks ago, we all stayed at my in-laws' house for 2–3 days. My MIL was clearly angry and eventually told me that I had "hijacked" her son and that we weren't really family anymore. She said I didn't consider them family and asked whether we ever thought about her health or what she wanted, because apparently we've spent so much money taking care of my family instead.

Honestly, that really hurt me.

She also said that my husband only has one sister, yet despite us earning well, we have never really helped her. I don't think that's entirely fair. My SIL and her husband both earn enough to live comfortably, and we do care about them. We regularly take her children shopping with ours, usually around once a month, and we send them gifts too. If they ever genuinely had a financial problem, of course we would help.

My MIL was crying and very angry when she said all this. My SIL was sitting there as well but didn't say anything.

The thing is, we were actually planning to tell them that I'm pregnant. The next day, we told them.

Nobody really reacted. Nobody congratulated us or even seemed happy. Me and my husband were both really upset.

Now it's been three weeks and neither my MIL nor SIL has called or messaged us. I invited my SIL and her family over this weekend, but she didn't answer my calls and didn't come.

My husband is really sad about the whole situation, and honestly, so am I. I don't understand what we've done that is so terrible. Yes, I helped my parents when my dad was seriously ill, and yes, I contributed more because I was able to. But does that mean I'm supposed to ignore my parents because my husband has a family too?

Congratulations on the baby op!

When I read you're Spanish I had to reply. I live in Spain and there are so many stories of MIL jealousy, I think it's really common! My own MIL used to get jealous when my parents visited despite the fact that it was only about 2 weeks a year. I have a friend whose mum was upset because she made her MIL's gazpacho recipe rather than hers. Honestly it's exhausting! As a pp said above I feel that a certain level of enmeshment is very common.

I think that cutting someone off rarely happens in Spain I doubt your husband would do it but I do think you need to get on the same page. I think you need to make sure your husband doesn't tell his family everything (easier said than done), and when things have calmed down he needs to talk to them about their (unreasonable) expectations.

Enhorabuena y suerte

Are you not in the UK?

Your MIL is a jealous so-and-so, and very unkind to boot. I wouldn’t blame you if you went very LC with her. I can’t believe she said all this to you, either. Well, she’ll be the loser in the long run, because it always pays to keep on the right side of a DIL as she is the mother of the DGC, and I assume MIL will want to see them, and the new baby when it arrives. Your DH needs to step in and sort out the situation - he needs to leave MIL and SIL in no doubt that they’ve been outrageously unkind. It seems that they are both expecting handouts because you and DH are quite well placed - they are being vvv unreasonable.

But none your in-laws were asking you for help! Are you supposed to shower them with cash just in case?
You spent a lot of money on saving your father’s life, and I’m glad it was successful. How horrible of your MIL and SIL to resent that. I’m sure you would help them if they were in need.

Is your DH moaning about you/your parents to them?

I don’t understand why they think it’s a YOU problem and not their own child problem (well I do, it’s internalised misogyny).

They basically think you are controlling - you control the finances, you control who DH sees, you control how involved he is with his own family.

DH needs to be the one to put them right.

How often does he see his family vs how often he sees yours?

why do all these working and comfortably off adults want more money from slightly more well of adults? its ridiculous, you helped in an emergency. No one you have described is in abject poverty, why is there such entitlement ?

Of course your MIL took it out on you Op, she's jealous that her DS has a wife, children and In laws, it's plain in her wording that you'd kidnapped her DS, that's not just about the money you both spent, it's about him spending money and time on someone outside his birth family.
Be glad you found out what your MIL is really like @leonorrr , she's a nasty jealous woman who isn't to be trusted

DH needs to assure them that if they ever need help in the way your parents did, the two of you will support them too. But so far fortunately they are in good health.
They will very likely come round once your baby is born.Congratulations.

They're crazy and entitled. DH should be the one telling them very clearly that you as a family decide what you do with your money and that they should be ashamed of themselves begrudging your father getting help when he was ill. Maybe they want to get really ill as well so you can help them out?

I would keep my distance to them moving forwards. They are clearly cheeky fuckers without any empathy whatsoever. I wouldn't want my children around them.

I think you all need to sit down and talk, because it seems very strange that she would suddenly be like this out of nowhere (and before someone suggests dementia, which yes is possible at her age or even younger, the fact SIL seems in agreement makes that alone unlikely); is it true that you and he haven't asked about her? Could she have had a health scare (or SIL?) around the same time as your dad?
On the face of it you've done nothing unreasonable, so that's why you need to talk and find out what's going on-if she isn't answering, ask your SIL and DH to arrange a meeting. Is she angry your husband hasn't told her about the baby straight away? Yes, he's an adult, but does she feel there's coercive control going on? Talking is the only way to sort this out, and I hope you can all get back to being a good family before the new baby arrives.

In order to smooth things over I would send them flowers and a letter to the effect of

Dear Mil/DM

I am sorry that you feel that we have somehow slighted you by our sharing the costs of @leonorrr ‘s father’s medical bills and his care after his recent very significant illness. As a married couple we feel the health and care of both our sets of parents is a very important shared responsibility and would do our utmost to help where we are able. This was not a gift of money, or a financial transaction, but a gift of caring for someone when they were very very ill.

We are, therefore, deeply hurt that you feel affronted that we focused on Leonorrr’s father on this occasion, when we would hope that you would instead be very reassured as to our unconditional willingness to do the same for you both when and if you and FiL/DF ever need the same. We are certain, also, that DSiL/DSis would not hesitate in also sharing in that care and related expenses at that time, just as leonorrr’s siblings did.

Because we both love our parents, we would not hesitate to do this for any of you should you be ill and need us. Again, we remind you, that this was not a financial gift. It was not a handing over of monies to them for some frivolous use and, thus, something that needed to be ‘balanced’ out by a comparable financial gift to you. This should not be seen in terms of equal effort and expenditure at Christmas. That you see it this way has, in fact, really disappointed us. It hurts that you measure our relationship with you in financial terms.

However, please rest assured that if and when either of you need the same level of care and help in the future, it will be forthcoming and we will not expect to have to justify doing the right thing by either parent to anyone else, family member or otherwise.

Regards, Mr & Mrs @leonorrr

I would stay well away from them. Your MIL is absolutely unreasonable. You and your DH have done a good thing. Sounds like you and your siblings have a good relationship and have all chipped in to help. This is something to be applauded not criticised.
Your MIL is unhinged. I assume she would like some of your money - that's what it sounds like. She is trying to guilt you into sending some of your cash her way (and your sil). Don't let her. It's not normal for someone to be upset because you help someone else in the family out when they have real need.

This could well be th answer.
There have been threads on MN about how family fall out with a member who is better off than them.

I think that would simply make it look as if the OP has in fact done something wrong that she needs to apologise and atone for! In the eyes of a woman who clearly feels terribly aggrieved by someone behaving well to their own parent.

He has created this problem with how he has communicated then. Or at the very least oversgared with people who cant be trusted. And then he stood by while they blamed and accosted you. I would be furious with the lot of them tbh, how dare they castigate you for looking after your ill father and turn it into something all about them.

Your DH needs to give them a thorough talking to (I'd want to hear it myself) and explain to you how he's allowed it to get to the point where they blame you and not him.

How does your MIL know that the money came from a shared account? Why didn't she think that you helped your parents from your own money? I wonder if your DH has been saying things behind your back. Just a thought.

Yes, exactly. That's true.

Basically, they live in Seville, so we probably see them once every two months. My sister-in-law lives in the same city, so she sees us more often, but she didn't come to our home when my parents were there. Or in Last few months

Did you read it? ‘I am sorry’ has two meanings- I am ‘sorry for’ OR I am ‘saddened by’… here it says she is sorry they feel they way they do in response to the choices she and DH have made - and will make again for any of their four parents? It is stating she and DH are saddened by their response and the way they measure the relationship in terms of money (not the 6months of post op care…).

Sounds like a great time to play them at their own game, ie act like they no longer exist.

What awful inlaws.
Such presumptuous entitlement to your money.

I would make absolutely no further effort with such people until they apologise and cop themselves on.

I wouldn’t write any note and nor would I have much to do with them going forward. Let your DH foster the relationship and make any arrangements for meet ups, etc. Why did you tell them you were helping with your DD’s expenses in the first place ?

I didn't read further than this, and it's the key to it all.

Why didn't she say all this to Golden Balls, and not you?

Why are they giving you a hard time and not your DH?

Why isn't your DH telling them how ridiciulous they are? Surely this is a simple conversaiton, "Mum, you're being ridiculous. if and when you or Dad or Sister have significant financial issues or need help with medical bills, then of course we'll talk then."

They sound horrible just stay away from them for a while. You haven't done anything wrong.

This is your problem. You may have joint back accounts, but the MIL doesn't see those. She should have no idea of what you are spending, it's none of her business. And even if she knew what you spent, she doesn't know how many savings you have etc.
You have a DH problem, more than a MIL problem. He should not be telling her this detail. Sounds to me that he has been stirring things up, and complaining to her behind your back!
But in any case they sound grabby and entitled. You have no obligation to spend on any of them.