MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

[leonorrr]

Me and my husband are both 35. We've been married for 6 years and have two children, and I'm currently pregnant with our third.

Around a year ago, my dad suddenly became very ill and was hospitalised for about a month. His insurance covered roughly 45% of the costs, but the remaining amount was still quite large.

I have an older brother and a younger sister. They're both married with children and have decent jobs, but me and my husband are higher earners, so we were in a position to contribute more. My siblings did contribute as well, but I paid the biggest share of the remaining hospital bills.

Thankfully, my dad recovered. After he left hospital, my mum and dad stayed with us for around 6 months because my dad needed regular hospital visits and support. Again, I covered most of the expenses, although my brother and sister also contributed.

For the last 4–5 months, though, I've noticed my MIL becoming quite cold towards me. Sometimes she seems to start arguments with me over things that don't really make sense. My SIL, who is my husband's younger sister, has also been distant. In June, she hosted a party and didn't invite either me or my husband.

About three weeks ago, we all stayed at my in-laws' house for 2–3 days. My MIL was clearly angry and eventually told me that I had "hijacked" her son and that we weren't really family anymore. She said I didn't consider them family and asked whether we ever thought about her health or what she wanted, because apparently we've spent so much money taking care of my family instead.

Honestly, that really hurt me.

She also said that my husband only has one sister, yet despite us earning well, we have never really helped her. I don't think that's entirely fair. My SIL and her husband both earn enough to live comfortably, and we do care about them. We regularly take her children shopping with ours, usually around once a month, and we send them gifts too. If they ever genuinely had a financial problem, of course we would help.

My MIL was crying and very angry when she said all this. My SIL was sitting there as well but didn't say anything.

The thing is, we were actually planning to tell them that I'm pregnant. The next day, we told them.

Nobody really reacted. Nobody congratulated us or even seemed happy. Me and my husband were both really upset.

Now it's been three weeks and neither my MIL nor SIL has called or messaged us. I invited my SIL and her family over this weekend, but she didn't answer my calls and didn't come.

My husband is really sad about the whole situation, and honestly, so am I. I don't understand what we've done that is so terrible. Yes, I helped my parents when my dad was seriously ill, and yes, I contributed more because I was able to. But does that mean I'm supposed to ignore my parents because my husband has a family too?

I can’t imagine being jealous of someone who was seriously ill.

Your DH has been clearly shown a lack of love..instead they just want a subsidy. Just awful.

I would accept the distance they’ve imposed and work on your own healing without them

In the future, just don't tell them any details of your finances or what you're spending money on

Maybe she thinks for every dollar you spend on your family you should give her an equal amount.

I think so

Weird.

Did she have to know you paid out for your father? I would have kept quiet about that.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Your MIL is jealous, selfish and bitter.
Also, fancy turning the water works on to create a big drama.
Have you ever refused them any help, during illness or essential expenses?
So how can she make comparisons.
Through her behaviour, she may be trying to cause problems in your marriage aswell.
Well she has already managed to make your DH feel sad.

Unfortunately people like your MIL exist who are bitter and twisted. She obviously thinks her son's money should be spent on them only and shouldn't have been spent on your parents.
You obviously had to help your parents out.
I think you should keep your distance, now that you have seen her Jealous and mean side.

Has DH tried speaking to her snd his sister 1-1?

I totally agree with this.
Don't share any information about your finances or your household.

She is not

Is it common i Spanish culture to share with your parents details of how money are spent? It is imho impossible to comment to tour situation by anyone outside of your culture.

This is for your DH to sort out. He shouldn’t have been talking to them about your finances in any case as it can’t have been news to him that they would behave like this. They presumably haven’t changed personalities since he lived at home so surely he had an idea that they would be petty like this?

If I were you I’d leave them alone. No more invites for a while. At the very least you are owed an apology and I would steer well clear of them until one has been received.

Are you Turkish?

So what I suggested earlier is partially true but with your SIL not MIL. In her position I too would feel uncomfortable visiting your home with both of your parents there one of whom was quite ill. You didn't clarify if your parents spent the entire 6 months with you and your husband or if it was shared care with your siblings. Presumably if they were with you for the entire 6 months your house was pretty busy with your own family, your parents living with you and visitors to see your Dad. Pretty busy household.
How did your husband interact with his sister and parents during that 6 months. Did he maintain contact at the same level or prioritise your family?

This is good advice.
Don't over share, your DH should not have told them anything. I bet they were asking and pestering him to share the information with them.
Obviously MIL has a jealous and meddling nature.

Gosh I’d be furious at the sheer expectation and sense of entitlement

However I am not from your culture so I could not foresee how something like this should be handled

Have you considered asking your husband why he felt the need to share this information with his in laws? I mean how do they know how much you have given your parents - if your husband told them then perhaps he is the one that needs to go and back peddle with them

Do they think he is above you?

Im not sure I could come back from their behaviour tbh as they seem to value you for what you can offer them rather than valuing you as a family

Your MIL and SIL sound grabby. I would back off and let your DH deal with them.

She's cutting off her nose to spite her face. I can't imagine an emotionally mature, stable person behaving this way, particularly when the two of you have informed her that there's a grandchild on the way. What a selfish witch she is!

I'm sorry for your husband, but if not for him, I'd be of the opinion that you're better off without this bitter, calculating woman in your life.

This

Utter cow

You helped support your parents when they were in need because you could. And your husband didn't have an issue with you providing some extra support while he recovered.

Nothing is preventing your husband from supporting his mother if she's in need of support. That would be his responsibility, not yours. And the fact she targeted you with her vitriol, not your husband who is her son, and her daughter silently sat there in agreement is vile ... I'd have told her to fuck off.

So from now on, My husband wants to share X% of his money with his mother, which comes to 20% of his monthly salary.

He will also take over all of his mom’s monthly bills and medical expenses.

WTAF!!!!😳

Yikes.

I would make it clear to him that it all needs to come from his salary, that family money is only for emergency medical expenses, not for subsidising his family.

Has he said he expects you to contribute?

Are you happy with this or do you think he has been bullied into it?
It is difficult for me, as an older British person, to understand this. In my view money only goes from parents to children/grandchildren and not the other way round.

Why, though?

Why he thinks that’s the solution? What if she also has massive bills in the future - do you tell her you’ve already prepaid x amount in the form of 20% of his income??? It’s one thing if he wants to put some amount aside without telling them in case they have huge unexpected expenses in the future but giving in to their manipulation is nuts! I’d have stern words with him!

That is insane. He's offering her a permanent pension? Does she work? Own a house?

20 per cent of his salary he's already paid tax on and all her monthly bills?

So that will drastically affect his own pension.

I hope he claims tax relief for her as a dependent.

Is she seriously ill or something?

Why has he agreed to this without consulting you.

Do you have, or plan to have children?

I'd be furious about that. Its one thing to save up in case she has a serious illness like your dad. Its another thing to just hand over wads of money every month.

How do you feel about this?