MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

[leonorrr]

Me and my husband are both 35. We've been married for 6 years and have two children, and I'm currently pregnant with our third.

Around a year ago, my dad suddenly became very ill and was hospitalised for about a month. His insurance covered roughly 45% of the costs, but the remaining amount was still quite large.

I have an older brother and a younger sister. They're both married with children and have decent jobs, but me and my husband are higher earners, so we were in a position to contribute more. My siblings did contribute as well, but I paid the biggest share of the remaining hospital bills.

Thankfully, my dad recovered. After he left hospital, my mum and dad stayed with us for around 6 months because my dad needed regular hospital visits and support. Again, I covered most of the expenses, although my brother and sister also contributed.

For the last 4–5 months, though, I've noticed my MIL becoming quite cold towards me. Sometimes she seems to start arguments with me over things that don't really make sense. My SIL, who is my husband's younger sister, has also been distant. In June, she hosted a party and didn't invite either me or my husband.

About three weeks ago, we all stayed at my in-laws' house for 2–3 days. My MIL was clearly angry and eventually told me that I had "hijacked" her son and that we weren't really family anymore. She said I didn't consider them family and asked whether we ever thought about her health or what she wanted, because apparently we've spent so much money taking care of my family instead.

Honestly, that really hurt me.

She also said that my husband only has one sister, yet despite us earning well, we have never really helped her. I don't think that's entirely fair. My SIL and her husband both earn enough to live comfortably, and we do care about them. We regularly take her children shopping with ours, usually around once a month, and we send them gifts too. If they ever genuinely had a financial problem, of course we would help.

My MIL was crying and very angry when she said all this. My SIL was sitting there as well but didn't say anything.

The thing is, we were actually planning to tell them that I'm pregnant. The next day, we told them.

Nobody really reacted. Nobody congratulated us or even seemed happy. Me and my husband were both really upset.

Now it's been three weeks and neither my MIL nor SIL has called or messaged us. I invited my SIL and her family over this weekend, but she didn't answer my calls and didn't come.

My husband is really sad about the whole situation, and honestly, so am I. I don't understand what we've done that is so terrible. Yes, I helped my parents when my dad was seriously ill, and yes, I contributed more because I was able to. But does that mean I'm supposed to ignore my parents because my husband has a family too?

My MIL was crying and very angry when she said all this. My SIL was sitting there as well but didn't say anything.

Unfortunately there are many people who feel entitled to other people's money.

SIL sat there and said nothing so this is coming from both of them.

I would stop the monthly shopping trips for their children.

if they can't even be happy for your new baby then they shouldn't benefit from your generosity anymore.

I am another one asking if there are any cultural expectations where by they think your husband should financially look after the family he came from?
Pay no notice.

We are Spainsh, So it's depends on each family and relationship.

Honestly, I don't know

Probably My husband Causually shares

This

Well your DH really should have kept this information private. It was indeed none of their business.

I wouldn't be upset, I would be angry and welcome their radio silence.

I would even go as far as to tell DH that he is free to have a relationship with them going forward, but you won't be.

I would be furious over the suggestion I had helped my parent too much.

I would leave your DH to manage the relationship with his parents and focus on your own children and family.

If they think you 'hijack' him, this is not a rational argument that you can have with them. So leave him to see his family alone for a bit, if he wants, and distance yourself. You don't need to be unpleasant, just say to him that you need some time out from his family after what has happened.

The problem here is that my husband and I both helped my parents. We have shared accounts and finances, so they think it's their son's money being spent on my family rather than on them.

Money that you spend will inevitably impact on your joint finances, but that is just normal if you are married.

Are they worried that at some point in the future they might need you to pay for their medical expenses and that there will be no money left?

I would think the OP is not in the UK, as even if you have private medical insurance here it is not usual to go to a private hospital for very serious illnesses, they are mainly for knee replacements and other fairly routine conditions .
Most serious illnesses are treated by and in the NHS as a matter of course — and if you’re a UK resident you don't get a bill
(And private hospitals tend to shunt the difficult stuff back to the NHS pdq anyway.)
Our neighbour was in hospital for a fairly serious infection recently and his private insurance has given him a sum of some £150 per day that he was in there, because he did not (could not, I believe) use a private hospital and thus didn’t make a claim.

This. Let them. Entitled idiots.

The older I get, the less tolerance of fuckwittery I have though.

It doesn't matter, you and your husband are a family, you make financial decisions together.

If it was your MIL who needed the hospital treatment, I'm sure you and your DH would spent the same money getting her treatment.

You did a lovely thing, that doesn't mean that you should agree to be used for cash just because the in laws want a slice of your income.

I would speak to your husband to ensure you're on the same page, that helping family in a medical emergency is something that applies to both your parents and that you can't be guilt tripped by MIL and SIL into giving them money.

These kind of posts just make me so sad. I have a dd, she's married, they live nearer to her dh's parents than to me. They see them more and because her dh's parents are more travelling orientated than I am they have holidays with them. Etc etc.

I LOVE IT! I love that my dd is now embedded in another family who love her and that they do stuff together. It makes me proud of her that she chose a great husband with a lovely family who expand and enhance her life. I cannot conceive of this being a thing to be jealous of.

I'm so sorry that your MIL is in this state of jealousy. It's bad for you, but my god it's bad for her, too. What's wrong with her heart that this is where her emotions go? It's just sad.

Why do they feel entitled to YOUR MONEY ?

you know that’s why they haven’t congratulated you - because now you’re spending YOUR money on YOUR family

They’re bastards, cut them out !

Could it be that your MIL has asked your DH for money that he does not wish to give, and that he has used your father's medical expenses as an excuse?

Agree. I would see this as a blessing in disguise; they’ve saved you the bother of cutting them off for being grifting wankers. I’m embarrassed for them.

First of all congratulations on the new baby.

I think you need to have big conversation with your husband. Ask him if he has been telling your in-laws about your financial arrangements and your family medical expenses? Was it casual? Or has he been moaning/complaining about it? Because MIL's gripe sounds quite specific.

And why complain to you? If they felt pushed aside because you were looking after your sick Father then why not talk to their son?

Your DH needs to handle this. It's outrageous that they are jealous of your care for your Father. Unless you owe them money, they have no say over your finances. Your DH needs to tell them how unreasonable the are after all the stress you have been through. Any decent family would see your actions as a good thing. If anything happens to them they know the two of you would help.

They sound greedy and cold. And as for that snake of a sister in law sitting there but saying nothing, DH needs to remind her of the gifts and shopping trips and mostly importantly - family loyalty.

Goodness me, they don't have any grace do they? Honestly, money is such an issue with people, the greed is unreal. I don't think this is anything other than pure greed.

Let's hope she never gets ill and requires your financial help in the same manner. She should be grateful she wasn't in your dads shoes and pleased for you, as her DIL that you were able to help your dad at such a difficult time. This is what normal people would think.

Am glad your dad made a recovery, hang on to having that side of the family with some sanity and enjoy every moment with them.

it's their son's money being spent on my family rather than on them.

It's joint money, surely? You do say "I paid the biggest share of the remaining hospital bills" but don't you mean you both did, you and your DH. If it was just out of your own personal savings that's different.
They don't want any of 'his' money going to your family (including joint funds!) as only his family matters and is entitled to benefit!

This 👍
So rude and dripping with jealousy. Gob smackingly bad, I would be stepping back from them. The anger and tears are manipulative.

What a horrible woman, misogynistic, childish and grabby, with a complete empathy by-pass. I'd leave her to wallow in her own bitterness.

Your MIL and SIL feel entitled to your nuclear family's money and they're mad you spent on your dad during a health crisis. They're thinking they come should before you when it comes to money and it sounds like they both want some sort of ongoing financial support from your husband. They're not speaking to you because they're mad your husband and you helped your dad financially.

Frankly, they're greedy fuckers.

Tell your husband not to discuss your family finances with them.

Let them continue on. Don't try to mend fences, they're intrusive greedy assholes who want money from you.

Obviously your money is somehow causing your husband's relatives to think that you owe them somehow and that they should have a share.

I'd back off from them until they learn to behave.

It doesn't sound like it would be a great loss to have distance between you and your MIL/SIL.

Do you have a FIL? Does your MIL expect your DH to be "the man" for her and her daughter? That he belongs to them rather than to you, because he's their man rather than yours?

They are unbelievable if course if your in laws needed medical treatment you would help them as much as you could too. You arent just showering your fsmily in gifts it was an important and essential expense.

Ignore them. Your poor husband, no wonder he is down it must be upsetting to learn your family are so grabby.