MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

[leonorrr]

Me and my husband are both 35. We've been married for 6 years and have two children, and I'm currently pregnant with our third.

Around a year ago, my dad suddenly became very ill and was hospitalised for about a month. His insurance covered roughly 45% of the costs, but the remaining amount was still quite large.

I have an older brother and a younger sister. They're both married with children and have decent jobs, but me and my husband are higher earners, so we were in a position to contribute more. My siblings did contribute as well, but I paid the biggest share of the remaining hospital bills.

Thankfully, my dad recovered. After he left hospital, my mum and dad stayed with us for around 6 months because my dad needed regular hospital visits and support. Again, I covered most of the expenses, although my brother and sister also contributed.

For the last 4–5 months, though, I've noticed my MIL becoming quite cold towards me. Sometimes she seems to start arguments with me over things that don't really make sense. My SIL, who is my husband's younger sister, has also been distant. In June, she hosted a party and didn't invite either me or my husband.

About three weeks ago, we all stayed at my in-laws' house for 2–3 days. My MIL was clearly angry and eventually told me that I had "hijacked" her son and that we weren't really family anymore. She said I didn't consider them family and asked whether we ever thought about her health or what she wanted, because apparently we've spent so much money taking care of my family instead.

Honestly, that really hurt me.

She also said that my husband only has one sister, yet despite us earning well, we have never really helped her. I don't think that's entirely fair. My SIL and her husband both earn enough to live comfortably, and we do care about them. We regularly take her children shopping with ours, usually around once a month, and we send them gifts too. If they ever genuinely had a financial problem, of course we would help.

My MIL was crying and very angry when she said all this. My SIL was sitting there as well but didn't say anything.

The thing is, we were actually planning to tell them that I'm pregnant. The next day, we told them.

Nobody really reacted. Nobody congratulated us or even seemed happy. Me and my husband were both really upset.

Now it's been three weeks and neither my MIL nor SIL has called or messaged us. I invited my SIL and her family over this weekend, but she didn't answer my calls and didn't come.

My husband is really sad about the whole situation, and honestly, so am I. I don't understand what we've done that is so terrible. Yes, I helped my parents when my dad was seriously ill, and yes, I contributed more because I was able to. But does that mean I'm supposed to ignore my parents because my husband has a family too?

Yup, I’d be backing away so fast there would be sparks coming off my heels.

Ignore me? Bye! It will also save the trouble when MIL gets older and needs help - she’s chosen not to be in your lives, you don’t need to help!

congratulations on your pregnancy!
I can’t believe the audacity of your ILs. There’s enough love and money to go around if it was needed, and thankfully for them it hasn’t been needed yet. I’d agree with others and say you’re better keeping your distance and certainly keeping your own counsel on the finances etc.

2% say yabu.
Hello op's sil and mil...

All your MIL is seeing is the monetary amount and feels it’s unfair that your family have had, let’s say €50,000, from you.
no idea if that’s a realistic figure but using it for ease. Your siblings may have contributed €10,000 each but that’s still €30,000 from ‘her son’ because in her eyes it’ll be more his money than yours.

shes basically angry and wants to ask for the same amount to go there way but can’t outright say it.

just ignore her, she’s not seeing that your father was gravely ill and needed it and god forbid she had the same happen, you’d do the same for her. She just wants it to feel fair to her, so tell her to first have a month in hospital and then it’ll be fair.

Your poor husband. Your mil and sil are an absolute disgrace

How you spend your oney is absolutely nothing to do with your MIL. It is a private matter between you and your husband.

And why should he help his sister who is a grown married woman with a career, and a husband who also has a career? Threy are pafectly capable of looking after themselves.

Your MIL is way out of line, grabby and vulgar. Do not ever share any information with her again. And keep her and her nasty nature away from your children.

That’s really a very strange way to behave. Unless there’s more to the story, my first instinct would be to wonder if your mil is alright because that’s just so far beyond normal.

There has to be more to this. Would you feel brave enough to call over and talk to her again, or rather get her talking about it until you hear what’s behind this.

If could be that she’s just had some bad news about her own health and feels she can’t reach out to your dh now, or something like that.

It’s fairly unusual to feel jealous of other people’s health problems, or openly and brazenly express that level of brazen entitlement. There has to be more to this than you know about.

All of this.
Information diet from now on and find out from DH what was said.

Funny that they should talk about family loyalty, when they have none for you themselves

Is this out of nowhere or is there some history with them acting like this?

If this is out of nowhere I feel like your husband should have a sitdown with his parents and ask what is going on. Elexplain what happened and how you would have doen the same for them basically what you wrote here.

MIL is so out of line, but if this is not normal then for some closure or whatever I would like to know why my parents acted like this.

Jesus. It's not like you have bought them holidays and expensive gifts. Ask MIL if she would rather have had a month in hospital seriously ill then 6 months of convalescence and hospital visits, just so you and your husband could treat her equally by paying the bills and taking her to hospital appointments?

I am assuming that if they did need it you would help them the same. They have been lucky enough not to. What utter arses to resent you stepping up to help when needed just because she's jealous. I suspect it's the living with you part she is most envious of. Never-ending the fact you probably weren't having the best time of it!

Has he told his family that you would both have done exactly the same had it been one of his parents who was seriously ill and needed that help?

This is for your DH to sort out with them, not you. Besides, their son's money is also your money and vice versa.

Totally irrational and unreasonable and insane they cut you off but I weirdly see it from their perspective too (doesn’t justify ignoring though and it’s a beef she should have with your dh not you).

My mum lives an hour away from us and my MIL get a lot of help in terms of us bringing her to hospital appointments helping out with the odd health bill etc. meanwhile mum is in and out of hospital and because of work and kids I can’t help out much. I helped mum with her health insurance recently and mum asked how I was so good at doing them, I said ah we help mil with them. This was after me letting slip that dh or I collect her from appointments. Meanwhile mum gets taxis, gets no help and when I went to the hospital they said ‘so you’re the famous daughter’. Looking at it from others’ perspective things are pretty weighted in mils favour over mum’s and I’d guess his family feel the same

They are greedy and upset you’ve spent a lot of money on your father. Because they want it too! That’s the bones of it really. I’m surprised she said all this to you and not your husband! I would step back from them all and leave it up to your husband to facilitate between the two. If they say anything more about it then your husband needs to emphasise that the money was to help with hospital bills. Mum and dad are lucky that they are healthy right now. But would help in the future if it happened to them too. But you’re not handing out cash for no good reason! It seems a shame she would allow greed to split the family, especially when there’s a new grand baby on the way.

A

I’d have said ‘I don’t understand. Can you explain what the problem is?’ repeatedly, to get your MIL to actually spit it out that she feels entitled to your money and time.

Our family is the high earners of DH's siblings. We and our DS help one DN financially sometimes as they struggle with a sen child and another with medical issues so mum can only work pt. The rule is that DN never tells his parents and honestly I hope they never find out. Not because they will be greedy but because they will be embarrassed.

Your MIL is nuts.

They are greedy and unpleasant.

I also think that it is possible your DH shares too much. I speak from experience of a similar culture to yours. There is an enmeshment here from what you have shared regarding SIL, SIL and your DH that I recognise.

You won't reason with them, nor should you even try to OP. I would pull right back now and lay off the shopping trips too. Ungrateful buggers only thinking of how they can cash in and benefit.. Fact they couldn't even congratulate you on your pregnancy is disgraceful.

Your in-laws are foul. You did nothing wrong at all.

Personally I would just be glad not to be very ill, rather than to be jealous of help someone is getting because they're ill.

Trash took itself out.

I don't understand their response but could it be jealousy more than greed. Both your parents stayed with you and your husband for 6 months after your Dad's hospital stay. Presumably it was at your house for the full 6 months rather than shared amongst the siblings.
Did that affect time spent with your MIL? She possibly didn't feel comfortable going to your home during that time what with your family, your parents, visiting siblings and their families , friends etc. Did your husband spend more time with your parents rather than with his Mum. Is his Dad still around?
Does your husband have other siblings besides his sister? I'm not defending their actions just looking at it from a different perspective.

You are being disingenuous - you know very well that it is us, women, who make all decisions in the family, either openly or by stealth. I feel embarrassed to say this, but men are so easy to manipulate and bend to one's will. Don't get me wrong - some women don't use their power all of the time, but to pretend that it was not a wife's decision - with all this help, etc. etc. Come on, be a mensh, sorry, be a sis.

This is batshit. You did nothing wrong at all! It seems they have cut you off and to be honest they will need you before you need them considering the whole ‘you need to look after them!” Rediculous people

They're absurd! Be grateful they've took themselves off . What silly ppl . They may have had a point had they been in a similar position and you offered no support,but this is ridiculous they should be extremely grateful they have not needed the assistance you've given your parents because of unfortunate circumstances. Honestly op return the energy and don't have them back in your life's after they have gotten over their temper tantrum.

Going forward less arseholes you have to waste your time on.
Honestly it's liberating not having to pander to grown up people regarding Xmas and birthdays.
Leave the lot of them to dh amd enjoy the peace.