MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

[leonorrr]

Me and my husband are both 35. We've been married for 6 years and have two children, and I'm currently pregnant with our third.

Around a year ago, my dad suddenly became very ill and was hospitalised for about a month. His insurance covered roughly 45% of the costs, but the remaining amount was still quite large.

I have an older brother and a younger sister. They're both married with children and have decent jobs, but me and my husband are higher earners, so we were in a position to contribute more. My siblings did contribute as well, but I paid the biggest share of the remaining hospital bills.

Thankfully, my dad recovered. After he left hospital, my mum and dad stayed with us for around 6 months because my dad needed regular hospital visits and support. Again, I covered most of the expenses, although my brother and sister also contributed.

For the last 4–5 months, though, I've noticed my MIL becoming quite cold towards me. Sometimes she seems to start arguments with me over things that don't really make sense. My SIL, who is my husband's younger sister, has also been distant. In June, she hosted a party and didn't invite either me or my husband.

About three weeks ago, we all stayed at my in-laws' house for 2–3 days. My MIL was clearly angry and eventually told me that I had "hijacked" her son and that we weren't really family anymore. She said I didn't consider them family and asked whether we ever thought about her health or what she wanted, because apparently we've spent so much money taking care of my family instead.

Honestly, that really hurt me.

She also said that my husband only has one sister, yet despite us earning well, we have never really helped her. I don't think that's entirely fair. My SIL and her husband both earn enough to live comfortably, and we do care about them. We regularly take her children shopping with ours, usually around once a month, and we send them gifts too. If they ever genuinely had a financial problem, of course we would help.

My MIL was crying and very angry when she said all this. My SIL was sitting there as well but didn't say anything.

The thing is, we were actually planning to tell them that I'm pregnant. The next day, we told them.

Nobody really reacted. Nobody congratulated us or even seemed happy. Me and my husband were both really upset.

Now it's been three weeks and neither my MIL nor SIL has called or messaged us. I invited my SIL and her family over this weekend, but she didn't answer my calls and didn't come.

My husband is really sad about the whole situation, and honestly, so am I. I don't understand what we've done that is so terrible. Yes, I helped my parents when my dad was seriously ill, and yes, I contributed more because I was able to. But does that mean I'm supposed to ignore my parents because my husband has a family too?

He has definitely been griping about spending money on your dad. Family money should be discussed he can't just say you will now be 20-30% poorer a month for the next 20+ years.
That is rewarding mil for disgusting behaviour.
Is he punishing you or is he just too weak to have a grown up conversation with his mum.

So if he's giving 20 per cent.. before or after tax? Makes a massive difference.
presumably she knows exactly what his salary is. How much roughly will he be liable for.
What rate of tax will he have paid on that money before he donates it?

Has he done the sums on this.

Are you willing to put up with this blackmail. ?

It's a shame so many relationships seem to hinge on money. If it's not expected inheritances, it's who's helping who and by how much. 🙁

Are you OK with that? Can you afford that with another baby on the way?

Things are very different here in the UK. I still help my adult children financially if they need it and I would never ask them for money.

I don’t feel good about it, especially since we’re going to have our third child in a few months.

But if I stop him, it might prove my MIL’s accusation that I only want to help my family and not his. Also, if he doesn’t do anything for his mom, their relationship could be permanently damaged.

But who will pay for it?

If it does happen, I wouldn't be visiting MIL and SIL anymore.

This is totally nuts! Why does he have to pay them so their relationship isn’t permanently damaged. No way on earth I would be agreeing to this!

So DH wants to pay her to ensure that she is nice to you? Really?

Surely any help should be based on need. Presumably if DH’s family needs help in the same way as your family has then that help would be forthcoming?

This sounds so sad. You paid for your parents care out of love and concern for them, and now your husband effectively has to pay for the love and acceptance of his family at a time when you both need support. What a horrible position they have put you both in our of jealousy.

Giving them money is the worst thing he could do.

You say medical bills for your MIL. Is she also sick? Is it serious?

I don't understand, I thought you had state (free) medical care in Spain, like we have the NHS in the UK? Maybe I'm wrong about that?

Why does he need to pay all her bills?? Is she very poor? Does she struggle for money how old is she? Is she alone?

Without knowing all that it is hard to say what your husband should be doing.

But definitely he should have discussed it with you first. He has 3 children to think of. And your MIL has been very unpleasant about it all, and doesn't seem to want to know that your father was seriously ill and needed your support. If I was you I would find it hard to forgive her.

What a nasty, spiteful old wench. And the SIL, too.

She's already told you that you're not really family. Presumably that will change when you pay handsomely every month? Like a Netflix subscription but for grandparents. Can you see it now - "Leonorrr, I'm calling from rent-a-granny. It seems you're paying too little for your subscription now. We'll need to up your contributions or your Children's right to have a paternal grandparent will be revoked".

The pair of them ought to be thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Does she actually need the money to put herself on the same financial footing as your parents before or after your help? Or will this mean she’s better off than your parents?

It proves no such thing - your family had a medical emergency, if she had a medical emergency presumably you would support in the same way.

Does your MiL have some weird idea that her precious son is the only earner and spinning that you are some evil gold digger? It utterly ridiculous and you know this. If my in laws or parents had demanded 20% of one of our incomes as the price of them being “nice” that would have permanently damaged the relationship. If DH had agreed to it unilaterally then we would have had our own relationship problem.

To put it another way - if one of your children had medical needs and you paid for them and the two healthy children started whining that they wanted a big cash bonus to match what would you say to them?

You have a DH problem here. He is the one who needs to make it clear that your earnings are as significant as his, that if she had an urgent need you would support just as you have for your father. He needs to acknowledge that a mother who won’t talk to him without being paid is not a mother he needs.

And if she has a medical emergency in the future, will your DH expect her to have saved this money?

I'm also confused by this.

Congratulations on your pregnancy x.
I know you are in a difficult situation.. but this is very far from normal.

Your relationship with this blackmailing bully is already permanently damaged and she has damaged it herself. She is asking you to pay her in order to remain on good terms with her and if you don't she will disown you both and your children. She is mad.

the medical bills were steep but a one off. This sounds like a lifetime commitment.

three children and she wants to take 20 per cent of your income?

"If I stop him it might prove my MIL's accusation."

How can it prove her accusation? Both you and your DH know its not true.
It's impossible for her to "prove" what you want or don't want. It's just an assumption. So she tells some of her cronies.. so what? What is that to you?

And so what if she does use that as proof, what's she going to do about it other than rant and rave?

There is a counter accusation that could be made, that she is a greedy unscrupulous jealous bitter woman who would take the money that should be supporting her son's young family for no reason other than jealousy.

Is her wrath going to get any better when she wins the lottery from you?
I doubt it. There will be something else to complain about. In which case, why not just say a big fat NO to her now and get it over and done with.? ( no need to give answers on here, just raising points for consideration)

How has this cruel woman got you both in such a state that you would give up part of your livelihood just as you are about to have your 3rd child.
I've just remembered that she didn't even react you when you told her you were pregnant again. That is so hurtful.

Why take money away from your children's needs for a person who doesn't even give a damn about them? You still have parents, sister and brother.. so you still have family. She's hardly going to win Gramdmother of the Year award is she? I am not sure I would want my children around her, having to experience the behaviour that you DH has been conditioned to accept.

Hopefully someone will be along with better advice on how to manage this, but I think you and your DH need to re consider and ask yourselves is this the price you have to pay to have a very unpleasant woman still speaking to you and ask yourselves if it's actually worth all the suffering she puts you both through.

I’ve read your updates and I am sorry to say that I now realise this situation has been caused by your husband. It is outrageous to now end up giving any of your income, every month, to your MIL. Why? She is not entitled to this. Nor is SIL. Did you marry on the agreement you’d support his family. That said, was it a loan to your own parents or not?

The reason this issue has come about is because your husband and/or you have been over sharing. Your in laws are greedy people, and your husband has likely been primed to overshare and be enmeshed with his mother his entire life. That is how they pick a victim. Why do they know what you paid and the private matters of your family? Do you think they would applaud you? They’re not well intentioned and shouldn’t have access to information like this. If you look back, there must be other instances too.

This is crazy - you don't have to justify your spending to your MIL.

Surely the equivalent is helping her out of she was seriously ill?

As a response, I think you need to tell your husband that if DMil gets 20% of your salary and your parents are given an equal amount (given DMil wants everything equal) what will that leave you and your family unit - what are you both going to cut, to afford this?

He absolutely can’t do that. The 20% of salary is ridiculous. If you share finances that’s basically 10% from you.

how is he going to maintain his share of your household finances and obligations while doing that? He won’t do either you’ll have to subsidise it which means effectively your money going to MIL or your family goes short.

its not stopping him or controlling him to point out that it’s ridiculous and not putting his family with you 1st.

Why are you paying medical expenses, Spain has excellent universal healthcare?

Wow, I am really sorry you're going through this!

It's very, very sad, but honestly, you might want to stop feeling sad, and start feeling angry!

They should be so, so ashamed of themselves! I quite literally have second-hand embarrassment for them. You are not cash machines, and honestly it is really tasteless that they somehow feel hard done by because you stepped up for your ailing father. Just as you would have had either of THEM been desperately unwell.

I don't think there is a good resolution here - this is not something that can easily be undone or forgotten. I would absolutely not be giving them any money, especially not before sitting down together to discuss things openly, getting it all on the table and seeing what, if anything, is left to salvage. I do wonder if it's utter shame stopping them from speaking to you now - if they cannot overcome that, then that is for them to sit with.

I understand your DHs urge to support his mum but her behaviour & expectation of you both is appalling. You have your own growing family to support as it is and there is nothing wrong with drawing the line x

His mother has guilted him into this- that's ridiculous. Of course he would support her if she was facing unexpected medical bills in the thousands, but that is not the same as maintaining her. Why can she not maintain herself? Your mil is a selfish biatch