Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you take a drink as a guest if the hosts didn’t drink?

247 replies

oppositehearts · Yesterday 13:18

We usually do Christmas at our house and are used to having a few drinks with and after dinner.
Son and his girlfriend have said they would like to do Christmas this year.
We know neither of them drink and Dh has told me he wants to have a few drinks as it’s Christmas and he is planning to take something to drink.
I don’t particularly like the idea of a drink free Christmas either but happy to go with whatever but I know Dh will be bored sitting there all day.
Does it sound disrespectful? I have said he should speak to them first but he won’t in case they say they’d rather he didn’t and then he won’t want to go.

Just to add, he is not a heavy drinker.
Christmas is a special occasion and Dh likes to enjoy a drink at Christmas as a tradition.

OP posts:
Notsosweetcaroline · Yesterday 17:46

AlwaysExtraHot · Yesterday 17:34

I used to drink socially (don't bother any more) and so I do understand it. What I find odd is that, if this man can't have an alcoholic drink, he's apparently going to be devastatingly bored.

She didn’t say that though did she, you added devastatingly, so it proves my point on the passive aggressive obtuseness.

user1464187087 · Yesterday 17:46

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · Yesterday 16:48

😂.
The morning, yes the morning bucks fizz is one of the highlights of Christmas day in my house. Obviously I now will be booking myself and the rest of the family into the Betty Ford clinic immediately!

Now that's my type of Christmas morning!!

Persephonia1966 · Yesterday 17:46

oppositehearts · Yesterday 13:33

No but I don’t think it would cross their minds as non drinkers.
I just wanted people’s views on someone turning up with drink when the hosts don’t drink.
Obviously when it’s at our house he will just help himself to a drink when he feels like it but we are guests and although I am flexible Dh likes his tradition of a few after dinner drinks (especially if we’ll be playing games)

I don't drink alcohol much at all but have absolutely no problem with other people drinking alcohol. I would probably buy in drinks if I was hosting Christmas but as they are younger this might not occur (not to sound ageist but if they haven't hosted Christmas before and never drunk they might not think ot that). Check though because it may well be something she is planning to buy in already.
I can't imagine being offended with someone else bringing a bottle unless it's presented as a "gift" to the host the way wine bottles often are (in the hopes they will be opened and shared). That would look very clunky. I would bring flowers/something else for them as hosts.
The only exception is if you or your husband have issues with drink, get argumentative or very drunk or something. Nothing you have said implies that though so it's probably fine.

8misskitty8 · Yesterday 17:47

We dont drink but when we have barbecues, host christmas etc. We buy alcohol for our guests coming They also usually bring a bottle of something too.
If we go to other houses we bring a bottle for the host.

Mothrasstillmoshing · Yesterday 17:47

Surely you won't be turning up for Christmas empty handed? If I'm invited somewhere then I always take several bottles of wine (alcoholic & non- alcoholic as I'm teetotal for medical reasons). I'm wondering what you mean by a drink? If it's a few glasses of wine that your DP likes then just take your own as a gift or contribution towards the day but yes, I'd be a bit more cautious about spirits if 'drink' means this to him. If it is spirits and he's making a fuss now then is this more of a problem than you think? If someone needs 'a drink' in order to relax and enjoy something like Christmas then I'd question if there was a binging issue at play and I'd be questioning why a 'drink' couldn't be enjoyed when returning home as a way to unwind before bed.

My sibling's new partner turned up at our Christmas Day festivities with a huge brand new bottle of vodka (nothing else) which they drank through the day, sharing it with their own underage kids until it was all gone. They were not the only ones drinking but it was noticeable that they and the kids were drunk and the vodka was all they drank all day apart from cola that they put in with the vodka. I'm very open minded but seeing a 14yr old chugging vodka + coke like water wasn't great and made in feel edgy - I mean who turns up at someone's house for Christmas with just a huge bottle of vodka ffs? Turned out that the 'DP' was an alcoholic and this behaviour was the first time my sibling saw it but it started several years of hell for our family.

Mapletree1985 · Yesterday 17:49

oppositehearts · Yesterday 13:18

We usually do Christmas at our house and are used to having a few drinks with and after dinner.
Son and his girlfriend have said they would like to do Christmas this year.
We know neither of them drink and Dh has told me he wants to have a few drinks as it’s Christmas and he is planning to take something to drink.
I don’t particularly like the idea of a drink free Christmas either but happy to go with whatever but I know Dh will be bored sitting there all day.
Does it sound disrespectful? I have said he should speak to them first but he won’t in case they say they’d rather he didn’t and then he won’t want to go.

Just to add, he is not a heavy drinker.
Christmas is a special occasion and Dh likes to enjoy a drink at Christmas as a tradition.

He's your son. Stop trying to guess what he wants and asking total strangers on the internet what they think. Just ask him.

littlemousebigcheese · Yesterday 17:52

I love Christmas, we have the best time with our favourite foods and treats and a walk and big lunch and it’s incredible.. it’s not ruined because I don’t drink and I don’t think on you need alcohol because it’s Christmas?! The fact that it’s Christmas makes it special enough! Presents, food, chocolates everywhere, fun tv, children loving their new toys, everyone happy. It is super strange to me that a person can’t be happy without alcohol, that you say he’d be bored and RATHER NOT GO if he can’t drink? That’s very odd in my world

AlwaysExtraHot · Yesterday 17:52

Notsosweetcaroline · Yesterday 17:46

She didn’t say that though did she, you added devastatingly, so it proves my point on the passive aggressive obtuseness.

I don't see how adding an adverb is passive aggressive or obtuse.
And it seems she thinks he'll be bored enough that she is anxious to find out if they'll be allowed to bring alcohol.

user1492809438 · Yesterday 17:53

What kind of a father puts having a drink before spending precious time with his son [and girlfriend]. The rubbish kind.

Mammyloveswine · Yesterday 17:54

I don’t drink anymore (despite my username 😂) and actually am in recovery as although I wasn’t dependent I was drinking too much to cope with a very shitty few years and had to stop. I drink alcohol-free wine these days if socialising and it doesn’t bother me others drinking around me. My partner usually drinks alcohol-free beer but every now and again he’ll have a few beers and it really doesn’t bother me.

have the conversation, he’s your son! I appreciate people asking me if they’re ok to drink when I no longer do but I certainly don’t expect people not to drink around me!

SukiPook · Yesterday 17:58

I hosted Xmas last year, I don't drink and I provided some alcohol for guests and they also brought some.
It would be totally normal to bring alcohol. Surely if they didn't want you to, they would say? I think you're overthinking it.

user1464187087 · Yesterday 17:58

StayGoldenPonyGirl · Yesterday 17:42

Drinking is fun - of course it is, humans, even animals, have made grog and enjoyed the feeling for Millenia. Look at pubs, the wine industry, night life, booze cruises etc. those who think enjoying alcohol is unusual, weird, signs of dependency or a moral failure must not have met many people.

Yes, it's not healthy, addiction/dependence is a huge problem and drunk behaviour can be problematic. But most people who drink, enjoy the physical effects, the taste and the sense of occasion. It does enhance good times because of the physical depression of your system - if you don't like that feeling or chose not to drink, fine, but pretending to not understand the appeal of alcohol to other people makes you look ridiculous - try looking at the wide world, many humans love it. They can go without easily but "vices" can be fun and tasty!

I don't drink anymore due to the calories and the hangovers but I've had awesome times drinking - bonding, laughing, being silly - am I a defective human because it helped with relaxation, enjoyment and confidence at various occasions...probably yes, but so what - I enjoyed it and any other ways to give the same effect (a different childhood, support, therapy, a different personality etc.) were not available!

If it didn't give you those lovely feelings, no one would bother with it so trying to make out enjoying alcohol is completely alien and incomprehensible is disingenuous and cringeworthy.

My old horse bloody loved a beer each night in his senior years (vet advised) - should have signed him up for AA.

Very well said, I totally agree!

HunterBidensTanktop · Yesterday 17:58

littlemousebigcheese · Yesterday 14:07

I don’t drink and id find it weird you couldn’t go one meal without alcohol

She didn't day they couldn't go one meal without drinking. She'd like to have a drink on Christmas Day the same way people like turkey or Christmas pudding.

IndigoBluey · Yesterday 17:58

Surely they will both imbibe with a cheeky Mimosa to accompany smoked salmon and egg brekkie, no? Criminal to think otherwise.

Millytante · Yesterday 17:59

concertinacornflake · Yesterday 14:56

Yes finding events less enjoyable or more boring if you can't drink is a sign of alcohol dependence. This is not new thinking, it's been a question about drinking behaviour for decades.

Oh, rot. It’s perfectly rational to find Christmas Day, and Boxing Day too, pretty gruelling if you are stuck visiting/hosting from morning to night, telly all hysterics and sentimental, the meal possibly composed of many foods you don’t even like, and Aunt Perpetua going on about George VI during the King’s Speech…etc etc.
But it needn’t matter, it’s a deep-rooted tradition which we will happily observe irrespective of quite a few parts we dislike. Light boozing with the continual supply of food oils the long day, soothing easily ruffled nerves or irritable resistance to having to ‘do’ Christmas at all! .

But there’s a lot of pretty Puritanical attitudes around, and nothing anyone can say will excuse (for them) a view of alcohol as a person’s cheerful friend rather than a coiled serpent waiting to ensnare us.
What they overlook is that many of us are capable adults, able to discern whether or not this or that indulgence is a good idea.
It is these people, not the unfortunates who are indeed enslaved, whom the thread should focus on.

Notsosweetcaroline · Yesterday 18:05

user1492809438 · Yesterday 17:53

What kind of a father puts having a drink before spending precious time with his son [and girlfriend]. The rubbish kind.

Good god, is it a competition to see who can post the most hyperbolic response. 😂

Notsosweetcaroline · Yesterday 18:07

when someone says they fancy a drink on Xmas day on mumsnet,,,

Cry Crying GIF
HouseBee · Yesterday 18:08

Millytante · Yesterday 17:42

Fair enough but STILL…..when it’s your own son, surely it’s safe enough to enquire about flexibility on Christmas Day.
Indeed, if DS was brought up with the usual type of festive Christmas, (hic!) and there’s been no alcohol-related news, chat or discussion in the interim until this invitation, I’d go so far as to say it was inconsiderate of him not to mention a ‘yay’ or ‘nay’ re Christmas booze at all. He has left his mum in an awkward position.

Why?
He is allowed to do things in a different way wo advertising it, warning people etc….

As the OP said, it’s just not on their radar. They know about it. It doesn’t need more warning about it.

HouseBee · Yesterday 18:09

Millytante · Yesterday 17:59

Oh, rot. It’s perfectly rational to find Christmas Day, and Boxing Day too, pretty gruelling if you are stuck visiting/hosting from morning to night, telly all hysterics and sentimental, the meal possibly composed of many foods you don’t even like, and Aunt Perpetua going on about George VI during the King’s Speech…etc etc.
But it needn’t matter, it’s a deep-rooted tradition which we will happily observe irrespective of quite a few parts we dislike. Light boozing with the continual supply of food oils the long day, soothing easily ruffled nerves or irritable resistance to having to ‘do’ Christmas at all! .

But there’s a lot of pretty Puritanical attitudes around, and nothing anyone can say will excuse (for them) a view of alcohol as a person’s cheerful friend rather than a coiled serpent waiting to ensnare us.
What they overlook is that many of us are capable adults, able to discern whether or not this or that indulgence is a good idea.
It is these people, not the unfortunates who are indeed enslaved, whom the thread should focus on.

If this is your exoerience of Christmas, why do you even bother to get with your family on that day? 😵‍💫😵‍💫

Justkeepsmilingx · Yesterday 18:10

Just one point of view - but I don’t drink and never have - my family friends and husbands family all know I don’t drink - a few years ago I was hosting a meal for family as I often did ….. I had got lots of things in to drink (posh drinks and pop) but none of them alcoholic as I also always did when I hosted and everyone was as far as I know happy and was comfortable either way that.

My BIL arrived one time with bottles of wine and said ‘You can’t have Sunday lunch without wine I don’t like it, where are the glasses’ and I was really quite hurt. Almost like my hosting and food wasn’t enough. I wouldn’t take meat to a house where they didn’t eat meat. I just think it is something that made me feel abit rubbish.

There are loads of soft drinks you can have - not just cola type drinks, some really nice ones. Could he possible find something else he likes just for that day ?

I can see why he doesn’t want to ask incase they say no - but he might end up making them feel he didn’t think about how they would feel if he just took drink knowing they wouldn’t have it in the house.

But only you know them and would have an idea of how it would make them feel.

Iwilladmit · Yesterday 18:16

ViaRia01 · Yesterday 13:36

It is one thing to bring alcohol along without really thinking about/ just assume they’d be ok with it because it’s their preference not to/ your preference to drink. But it is quite selfish and rude to deliberately not ask in advance in case they say no.

I think you should ask the hosts and if they say no alcohol in the house then you either accept their hospitality as it is and enjoy an alcohol free Christmas with them or you decide not to go because that does not appeal to you. And if you decide not to go to your own child’s Christmas because you can’t bear to be without alcohol for one day, well then… that’s your choice I guess but at least everyone will be able to see what a dickhead you are.

This.

The most shocking thing about your post OP is that your DH would rather do something his child (and host) was not comfortable with than either a) have a grown up conversation and decline the invitation or b) go without a drink.

Thats just bizarre (and quite mean).

latetothefisting · Yesterday 18:18

AlwaysExtraHot · Yesterday 14:38

If the plan is to eat lunch then sit around watching TV for the rest of the day, with the only conversation is the son and gf yawning on about their gym routines then it's fair enough he would find that boring and easier to get through with a drink in hand.
Who said anything about 'the son and gf yawning on about their gym routines'? And I don't understand why a dull day would be any easier with an alcoholic drink.

nobody? the whole point is WE DON'T KNOW what the son and gf are like - but the DH does, and he anticipates being bored around them. Some people are boring, that's just a fact. Spending a whole day with boring people, or not doing much can be boring. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with OP's DH if he doesn't want to spend a whole day (particularly a day that's supposed to be a celebration) being bored.

The fact that OP has confirmed he's usually not a big drinker AND that she would also prefer to have a drink on Christmas doesn't match up with the 'loser who can't suffer through any family interaction without a beer in hand' impression lots of posters are trying to portray him as.

Do you drink? Because if you don't I don't know how to explain why a dull day would be easier with alcohol other than...it just is!

SukiPook · Yesterday 18:18

littlemousebigcheese · Yesterday 17:52

I love Christmas, we have the best time with our favourite foods and treats and a walk and big lunch and it’s incredible.. it’s not ruined because I don’t drink and I don’t think on you need alcohol because it’s Christmas?! The fact that it’s Christmas makes it special enough! Presents, food, chocolates everywhere, fun tv, children loving their new toys, everyone happy. It is super strange to me that a person can’t be happy without alcohol, that you say he’d be bored and RATHER NOT GO if he can’t drink? That’s very odd in my world

I don't find it odd, and I don't drink. I also find Christmas quite boring! Not everyone loves it.
If someone hardly drinks all year but likes a drink at Xmas I can see why they'd maybe feel a bit bored without it.

Flamingojune · Yesterday 18:21

AlwaysExtraHot · Yesterday 17:52

I don't see how adding an adverb is passive aggressive or obtuse.
And it seems she thinks he'll be bored enough that she is anxious to find out if they'll be allowed to bring alcohol.

Still being obtuse

AlwaysExtraHot · Yesterday 18:23

latetothefisting · Yesterday 18:18

nobody? the whole point is WE DON'T KNOW what the son and gf are like - but the DH does, and he anticipates being bored around them. Some people are boring, that's just a fact. Spending a whole day with boring people, or not doing much can be boring. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with OP's DH if he doesn't want to spend a whole day (particularly a day that's supposed to be a celebration) being bored.

The fact that OP has confirmed he's usually not a big drinker AND that she would also prefer to have a drink on Christmas doesn't match up with the 'loser who can't suffer through any family interaction without a beer in hand' impression lots of posters are trying to portray him as.

Do you drink? Because if you don't I don't know how to explain why a dull day would be easier with alcohol other than...it just is!

Edited

Do you drink? Because if you don't I don't know how to explain why a dull day would be easier with alcohol other than...it just is!
No but I used to. I genuinely can't think of a boring occasion that was livened up by there being alcohol there though.

Swipe left for the next trending thread