Would you take a drink as a guest if the hosts didn’t drink?

[oppositehearts]

We usually do Christmas at our house and are used to having a few drinks with and after dinner.
Son and his girlfriend have said they would like to do Christmas this year.
We know neither of them drink and Dh has told me he wants to have a few drinks as it’s Christmas and he is planning to take something to drink.
I don’t particularly like the idea of a drink free Christmas either but happy to go with whatever but I know Dh will be bored sitting there all day.
Does it sound disrespectful? I have said he should speak to them first but he won’t in case they say they’d rather he didn’t and then he won’t want to go.

Just to add, he is not a heavy drinker.
Christmas is a special occasion and Dh likes to enjoy a drink at Christmas as a tradition.

Or we could just be grown ups and let other adults have a beer on Christmas day without taking personal offense. Good grief, how self centred do you need to be care so much about what someone else drinks after Christmas dinner?

Why though?

You must've come across boring men in your life.

And if the OP's son is one of them, that's not necessarily going to stop them wanting to spend Christmas with him given that they obviously love him.

I love my brother but Jesus Christ he could bore the bark off a tree.

o/p specified he will be bored without a drink.

i can’t imagine spending time with my children such a chore I’d need alcohol to get through it.

they can’t have much of a relationship. He should be concerned about that and not the alcohol.

Christmas Day can often be really boring, often the weather is bad, everywhere is shut so there’s nowhere to go etc etc.

and just because they are your family doesn’t mean that they can’t be boring or even mean that you like them and have anything in common with them.

so all in all there is NOTHING wrong with having alcohol on Christmas Day and if OP’s son and partner are half decent hosts they will provide some.

@Yetanotherone12

He doesn’t need it but he wants it. And why shouldn’t he have what he wants, especially on Christmas?

I’d definitely be taking wine / champagne … it’s Christmas! I’d take a nice bottle or two of non alcoholic drinks too for the non drinkers of course

For goodness sake what a po-faced thing to say. It is christmas dinner. If you can't want a nice drink then when can you? I don't even drink and I can see why he'd like a drink at a big family/celebratory dinner - which is what xmas dinner is.

It’s Christmas. It’s very normal for people to enjoy a drink or two. I won’t be drinking over Christmas but I wouldn’t dream of stopping the people I’m hosting from having a drink. I’ll supply the alcohol as per their preferences.

Are you certain neither of them will have a glass of wine or champagne with their dinner as a one off? I’d probably just ask if you can bring anything, for example some wine or beers, desserts, cheese and biscuits, chocolates etc.

@user1464187087 no not at all. I’ve read it back and I understand why you’ve called me out. I should have been more careful but I didn’t actually mean to call OP a dickhead. I meant her DH, hypothetically, would be a dickhead if he refused to go to a celebration hosted by his own son because he couldn’t go without alcohol for one day. OP had said she’d go without it and/ or ask her son first so no I didn’t mean to direct those comments at her at all.

Hi OP,

I don't drink and I no longer have alcohol in the house. I have stopped buying it for guests because I no longer have any idea which wine is any good or what people even like to drink.

Can you just ask your son? I have no problem with anyone bringing a bottle over if they want to have a drink with their dinner. As it is Christmas, you could even take over a bottle of Nosecco with you so that there is something for everyone.

However, if your son says that his house is an alcohol-free zone, OBVIOUSLY you should both respect that.

I do drink and find it weird that you find it weird that someone who would like a drink at Christmas actually wants a drink at Christmas.

do you think you are superior because you choose not to drink.

you sound incredibly judgmental

I don't drink, but I keep alcohol in the house for guests, and at Christmas I always buy what I think people will enjoy. It is a very convivial time of year and many folks like a drink.

I don't drink but have a fully stocked drinks cabinet for visitors. A dry Christmas wouldn't even cross my mind. just ask them.

I don't drink, but if people were coming over I'd be happy for them to bring anything they'd like to drink alcoholwise.

I mean, I think it's fine to ask if you can take some alcohol if you'd like to have a drink with your meal.

But I would be a bit concerned by the idea that your DH would be bored without the alcohol and that he would prioritise having a drink over and above spending time with his son and his family.

Each to their own, I guess, but it's pretty sad if alcohol comes before family. But just ask. They might be completely fine with it.

We can’t really answer the question though can we, as it’s how they feel, not us.
If we were invited somewhere where they didn’t drink on religious or recovery grounds, I wouldn’t dream of taking alcohol, and could easily go without.
if they just prefer not to drink, then I would if they were ok with it. It’s your son, just ask.

If i really wasn't surehow it would go down i'd mention it just in case. Say you and your husband have a tradtion of making a toast a xmas dinner so you'd like to bring a bottle of fizz, and offer to get an alcohol-free one for your guests.

for all the people who say it’s fine unless the reason they don’t drink due to addiction or trauma, I’d point out that you may not know. Lots of people have issues with dependence on alcohol and absolutely do not want that to be general knowledge. We are an alcohol free house for that reason and I really wish friends and family wouldn’t drink here, but if they ask we almost have to say it’s fine if they bring their own, when in fact not only would we rather they didn’t, they are creating a temptation that is the last thing we want. If we said no you can’t drink here they would expect an explanation. I really wish people would just accept it when you say you no longer drink, without questioning it or taking it as an opportunity to talk about how much they drink.

Id have thought Christmas Day with your family should be enough without having to drink, you honestly don’t know why you ds has chosen not to.

I doing drink at all for religious reasons and I wouldn't like someone to drink alcohol in my house.
Ask them but respect their wishes.

😂.
The morning, yes the morning bucks fizz is one of the highlights of Christmas day in my house. Obviously I now will be booking myself and the rest of the family into the Betty Ford clinic immediately!

I would ask them what they’re comfortable with and do that. Personally, I think it’s weird someone can’t enjoy being around their children without drinking. You may like a drink, but you don’t need a drink (if you do, that’s a good reason to skip it).

I don’t drink. I have lovely Christmases. I’m not bothered by people drinking around me. I am bothered by people getting sloshed and being obnoxious when I’m just trying to have a nice Christmas. So if someone asked, I’d be very happy for them to bring a bottle of wine to dinner at my house, as long as they didn’t get falling off their chair drunk.

But whether it’s appropriate to ask depends a bit on the context - if anyone coming to dinner is in recovery and struggling or if you have a track record of drunkenly ruining special days, then obviously not appropriate to ask.

I think it's fine to take alcohol and drink it in these circumstances. It's not as if the couple have issues with drinking, they just don't choose to themselves. As a guest, I would drink (if hosts ok with it) but probably not as much as I would if surrounded by drinkers.

I would however mention it in a roundabout way beforehand, eg We're planning to bring a couple of bottles of nice wine - can we bring anything for you (suggest their favourite soft drink)?

Sorry to jump in on an argument. But there is a huge, vast, mammoth, gap between someone enjoying a drink - or someone not enjoying an event as much without a drink - and alcohol related issues.

It’s not only disingenuous to imply they are one and the same, but also rather dangerous. Because if you sweep everyone up in wide reaching statements in some sort of puritanical rant about the awfulness of alcohol, then you risk ignoring those that actually have real problems.

There is nothing wrong with pointing out that Christmas is (or can be) more enjoyable with a glass or two of wine. Just as it’s fine to say that dry weddings can be a bit… dry. Or that what really makes a glorious summer evening by the river with a few friends is a jug of pimms or a G&T.

Denying that alcohol is enjoyable and that anyone who admits that they’d rather have some at an event than not, and that they are therefore alcoholic, is at best puritanical nonsense and at worst rather vile and attacking. If their drinking isn’t affecting you or perhaps them, what on earth is the problem?

This. I had a glass of wine last night with dinner, but before that it might have been weeks since I drank any alcohol at all, so dependency is not an issue. But Christmas Day is a day for celebratory food and drink, and for me (we host these days, so not driving) that involves having some very good wine or champagne with special food. Even when pregnant I had a single glass of champagne with dinner on Christmas day. I wouldn't want to spend it somewhere where I couldn't do that, any more than I'd want to spend it somewhere where the food wasn't good.

I will say, as someone who doesn’t drink, I often have to plan all my hosting around accommodating other people’s drinking. When people who normally drink come to my house, drink some kombucha with me and soberly drive themselves home, it’s a breath of fresh air. I appreciate it so much. I know they could drink, but it’s nice to have someone just be like me. It makes me feel like they’re really there to spend time with us, not to just get on the wine.