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Original poster

Would you take a drink as a guest if the hosts didn’t drink?

241 replies

oppositehearts · Yesterday 13:18

We usually do Christmas at our house and are used to having a few drinks with and after dinner.
Son and his girlfriend have said they would like to do Christmas this year.
We know neither of them drink and Dh has told me he wants to have a few drinks as it’s Christmas and he is planning to take something to drink.
I don’t particularly like the idea of a drink free Christmas either but happy to go with whatever but I know Dh will be bored sitting there all day.
Does it sound disrespectful? I have said he should speak to them first but he won’t in case they say they’d rather he didn’t and then he won’t want to go.

Just to add, he is not a heavy drinker.
Christmas is a special occasion and Dh likes to enjoy a drink at Christmas as a tradition.

OP posts:
concertinacornflake · Yesterday 15:05

Sparrowsandbudgies · Yesterday 15:04

Same thing - I wouldn’t bring meat to a vegetarians house.

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I personally consider that different, unless the objection to alcohol is religious or ethical.

FirmSnake · Yesterday 15:06

concertinacornflake · Yesterday 15:04

Biscuit

I'm not contractually obliged to convince you

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Yes, because you made it up.

SeraphinaRainbird · Yesterday 15:06

I don’t drink alcohol, but I have always provided wine and beer for guests. I don’t mind at all if visitors bring their own drinks.

Ted27 · Yesterday 15:08

I have never been a drinker, just a glass of wine with dinner occasionally, and now can't drink alcohol for medical reasons. If I was inviting people for a special dinner I'd ask them what I could get to drink for dinner but wouldn't be getting in an array of spirits etc.
My son can bring what he wants for Christmas.
Don't understand why you can't just ask them though.

AlwaysExtraHot · Yesterday 15:08

Cherrytree86 · Yesterday 14:53

@AlwaysExtraHot

yes as would loads of people if they couldn’t have an alcoholic drink on Christmas Day. It doesn’t make them raging alcoholics so no need for the perplexed face

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That doesn't explain anything, so I'm still perplexed.

Sparrowsandbudgies · Yesterday 15:09

concertinacornflake · Yesterday 15:05

I personally consider that different, unless the objection to alcohol is religious or ethical.

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How is it different? It’s about respecting the views of the host. They’ve invited you. If you don’t want to adhere to their views etc you don’t go. Meat eaters can be vegetarian for a meal. No one needs alcohol.

Throwntothewolves · Yesterday 15:09

As implied in your OP, would your husband actually not go at all if he couldn't drink alcohol? If so, that's ridiculous and he needs to have a word with himself for putting alcohol before family, 'but it's Christmas' is no excuse.

concertinacornflake · Yesterday 15:10

Sparrowsandbudgies · Yesterday 15:09

How is it different? It’s about respecting the views of the host. They’ve invited you. If you don’t want to adhere to their views etc you don’t go. Meat eaters can be vegetarian for a meal. No one needs alcohol.

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It depends why someone doesn't do something IMO.

emmetgirl · Yesterday 15:11

Just ask them. I don’t drink (recovering alcoholic with 18 years sober) but have no problem with other people drinking. It all depends on the reason they don’t drink. I’m sure they won’t mind you asking.

concertinacornflake · Yesterday 15:11

FirmSnake · Yesterday 15:06

Yes, because you made it up.

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Link?

Yetanotherone12 · Yesterday 15:11

latetothefisting · Yesterday 14:35

"can't cope" and "being bored" are two completely different things though. I find it weird when non-drinkers like you and others on this thread completely misinterpret 'X is fine without drinking but having the odd drink while doing it makes it even better,' as 'I literally cannot do X without a drink.'

Sometimes sitting around all day is boring. Being with family doesn't automatically mean an amazing time.

You don't know what the family dynamics are like or what day they have planned. A big family Christmas with kids running around excited, a mix of good conversationalists and funny family members, with plans to play games or go for a nice walk or carol service or watch the christmas swim or whatever, then I can sort of see your point that nobody should need to drink to enjoy themselves (but there's also nothing wrong with thinking a drink or two would help them enjoy themselves more).

If the plan is to eat lunch then sit around watching TV for the rest of the day, with the only conversation is the son and gf yawning on about their gym routines then it's fair enough he would find that boring and easier to get through with a drink in hand. It doesn't mean he literally could not cope without it if he had to, but given he doesn't have to (as there's no reason he can't drink) why should he?

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So if his son and dil are so boring “yawning on about their gym routines” why bother?

nip round with gifts, stay for dinner if they want, then leave. No need to stay longer with a couple so boring they need to drink to get through the interminable hours.

Flamingojune · Yesterday 15:12

Ted27 · Yesterday 15:08

I have never been a drinker, just a glass of wine with dinner occasionally, and now can't drink alcohol for medical reasons. If I was inviting people for a special dinner I'd ask them what I could get to drink for dinner but wouldn't be getting in an array of spirits etc.
My son can bring what he wants for Christmas.
Don't understand why you can't just ask them though.

She is going to. Was just asking here first

godmum56 · Yesterday 15:12

I am on team ask but.....bored without alcohol? really?

Whoops75 · Yesterday 15:14

I would definitely bring a bottle or two plus something to make a boozy after dinner coffee.

lottiegarbanzo · Yesterday 15:22

Assuming it’s not a dry household on principle, I’d expect they’d provide wine for guests, you’d take a nice soft drink as a gift for them - or maybe chocolates instead.

So I’d want to speak to one of them and (unless I was confident they knew what they were doing), offer to bring wine myself, so I can drink something nice.

Itiswhysofew · Yesterday 15:26

I think they'd be unreasonable if they didn't agree to alcohol at Christmas. But I'd say yoir DS is expecting you to bring a bottle. DH should ask though, and if they say no, then he doesn't have to go. Everyone's Christmas is different, and he can please himself.

I don't drink alcohol because I don't want to, but l'd be fine with other people drinking in my home.

nomas · Yesterday 15:30

'Son, we are planning to bring a bottle of wine to have at yours. Is this ok and is there anything else we can bring?'

Sorted.

Pallisers · Yesterday 15:30

Neither DH nor I drink alcohol. We always have wine/beer/spirits in to serve guests. It seems really easy to just say to your son "I know you guys don't drink but dad and I would like a glass with dinner - is it ok if we bring some" then he can either say (as I would) "no need we will have stuff in for you" or "yeah that would be great" or "actually I/girlfriend really have a problem with alcohol in the house - is that ok?"

I know people are all saying if you can't go without a drink for one dinner you have a problem but I think that is true for a normal dinner on a sunday night but for xmas? Most people will have a celebratory drink then - I thought that was the kind of drinking that is normal - a glass or two on a special occasion. even dh and I will make up a mocktail for ourselves in a fancy glass at xmas.

Delphiniumandlupins · Yesterday 15:31

dreamingofgoodhair · Yesterday 14:12

I’d take drink for myself and husband. Your son knows you have a drink at Christmas.
Then take something else tor the hosts.
eg chocolates / sweets / biscuits/ and ask of you can contribute eg buy the Turkey ?

Yes. Ask what you can bring. Make sure to include stuff you want that they won't have (like alcohol) as well as things for everyone and treats for them.

Cinnam0nBun · Yesterday 15:33

I don't drink but would absolutely expect guests to. I actually do drink but very little, and just don't enjoy wine/prosecco/champagne.

Don't think it is a problem at all in the circumstances you describe.

I hate to think that guests would feel shy of drinking just because I am not. When it is obvious guests aren't drinking because I am not, I sometimes pour myself a glass to ease them, but I never end up drinking it.

U53rName · Yesterday 15:36

FirmSnake · Yesterday 14:41

Not everyone is sparkling company....

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OP, I’d lead with this. 🍿

Overwhelmedandtired · Yesterday 15:37

It would be unreasonable to show up with alcohol without discussing it first.

But it does just seem like a simple conversation. Surely its better to have it in advance, than show up on the day and find out they are offended by you bringing a bottle of wine?

Just ask, say you appreciate they don't drink, so would they be ok if you brought some wine/beer/whatever else with you, not intending to get drunk just would like a glass or two over/after dinner.

If they were intending to cater for you and buy something, it then takes the pressure off. If they would rather not, you then have the opportunity to make other arrangements, but you don't end up blindsiding them and risking a big argument on Christmas Day.

over50andfab · Yesterday 15:37

I don’t eat roast potatoes, or drink soft drinks for that matter unless it’s a mixer with spirits, and rarely have beer in. Does that mean when hosting my family shouldn’t have them?
Of course it doesn’t. I cook a gazillion roasties and my family brings any soft drinks and beer of choice.
OP just talk to them, and say as you’re aware they don’t drink alcohol you and DH will bring your own

user1464187087 · Yesterday 15:39

ViaRia01 · Yesterday 13:36

It is one thing to bring alcohol along without really thinking about/ just assume they’d be ok with it because it’s their preference not to/ your preference to drink. But it is quite selfish and rude to deliberately not ask in advance in case they say no.

I think you should ask the hosts and if they say no alcohol in the house then you either accept their hospitality as it is and enjoy an alcohol free Christmas with them or you decide not to go because that does not appeal to you. And if you decide not to go to your own child’s Christmas because you can’t bear to be without alcohol for one day, well then… that’s your choice I guess but at least everyone will be able to see what a dickhead you are.

Do you talk to people like this in real life?