AIBU to feel upset my daughter-in-law will not help with our dog?

[BadGran]

I know I probably IABU but I need a little moan. My husband & I are currently in a very difficult situation with a very ill relative and we need to travel to see them urgently.

It’s all happened very quickly and as a result we are struggling to find someone to look after our dog while we are away. We have 3 children - our 2 daughters are always happy to chip in with the dog where they can when we are in a bind but my son’s wife does not like dogs and won’t have them in her house which i do understand but means our dog has to stay in the garden when we go to their house which isn’t always ideal depending on the weather etc and I know it annoys my daughters.

Anyway both my daughters have jobs with no flexibility or working from home options so can’t help on this occasion. My son is working abroad. My Daughter-in-Law is a housewife so theoretically could help but as previously mentioned she refuses to have anything to do with the dog.

I know she is perfectly within her rights and it’s our dog not hers but I’m finding it quite hard not to feel quite cross about the whole situation as I feel this is adding an additional layer of stress in already horrible circumstances.

AIBU to feel this way ?

I’m with DiL. I don’t like dogs and wouldn’t offer to look after one. When close relative was hospitalised I immediately took her dog to a kennels. It’s your dog and your responsibility.

Then you don’t make the decision to have a dog.

Dogs are lauded above all other animals - they have a special status where to criticise one is not only a moral failure but an indictment on your entire character as a person 🙄🙄

Why haven’t you put your foot down and said you’re not doing it anymore?

Not only is it an inconvenience for you, you’re actually allergic!

If MIL cries, let her cry. It’s been a year and it’s totally unreasonable.
She’ll have to find an alternative solution - paid dog sitter, change job or get rid of the dog.

It’s really very odd behaviour but it has happened to me before. DH and I both have allergies and do not like dogs. BIL and his partner got a dog and asked if it could come over to our house / were then offended when we said no. I was offended to have been asked in the first place, it’s not fair to put someone in the uncomfortable position of having to refuse when you knew what their boundaries were from the off.

I want to understand more about why @BadGran thinks it’s acceptable to keep bringing her dog and leaving it in DILs garden. No dogs means no dogs!

OP hopefully now has a friend to help, but if it were simply about not wanting to pay for kennels, that would be a her problem. Like it would be if she preferred someone else to pay for the plane tickets rather than spending hers and DHs money on them.

I wouldn't have a dog in my house for all the tea in China. This is not your DIL's fault. She doesn't have to do this.

I think you’re getting a hard time here OP, because generally people do put themselves out for their families. I don’t like Tarantulas or rabbits but did duly go and care for my best friends menagerie while she was away, didn’t kill me.

I used to own dogs, but I don’t want any in my home now. I wouldn’t look after it either.

Can you not find a dog sitter, or some kennels?

No point in leaving a dog with someone that doesn’t want it there.

It’s not actually the same though. You’re making an assumption that the DIL has any idea what to do with the dog when it is in her home. Likely if she doesn’t like dogs she doesn’t interact with them so has absolutely no idea how to get it to behave, call it in from somewhere, get it to go to bed, even fuss it. I wouldn’t have a clue what to do with a dog if someone dropped one at my door apart from recoil which is what my typical response is.

It's your dog. You chose to have a dog. You should be prepared to pay for kennels or a dog sitter if you go away. YABVU.

Yes I’d put myself out to help my family but I’d draw the line at looking after a dog - that’s pretty much the only thing I wouldn’t do to help.
People are allowed to have a boundary.

Yep. Going to visit someone's house to do the necessaries for a rabbit and tarantula, presumably without being sole carer for a toddler like DIL is or she'd have mentioned it, is different from having a dog either in your own home or going to someone else's non childproofed one. Given that OP brings the dog with her to hang around in DS and DILs garden rather than leaving it alone for a few hours, she's evidently not going to be ok with a popping in arrangement like the pp describes for the rabbits.

You mention your son is working abroad therefore can't help but it seems ok to think his wife should help. You have mentioned your daughter's, but not their partners.

And, as mentioned by other posters, why do you insist on taking your dog to her house if you know she doesn't like dogs? The fact that you completely disregard her wishes is probably why she is sticking to her guns now.

I dont think you are being unreasonable to 'feel cross' about the whole situation as you are under stress - you are going to help family in an emergency but no-one is helping you to enable you to give that help.

I have pets, including a dog. I wouldnt want to look after someone elses dog - esp as I now know what having a dog is like. If its a.very small, VERY well behaved dog with no issues,.i might consider it - its rare to find that. They all have issues of some.sort and take up quite a bit of time and attention.

If she is house proud or sensitive to smell - a dog would put her right out of sorts.

Finally - your dog would pick up on the fact that its with someone who doesnt like dogs and doesnr want it there - not the best thing for a dog.

Try drop in services for day time and could your daughters have the dog in the evening. Or dog sittes or kennels.

That's not the same at all. Tarantulas and rabbits don't generally roam free around the house or need walks. They don't bark. You don't have to pick up their poo. They don't shed hair all over your carpets. They don't get under your feet, chew your slippers or dig up your garden. A dog is a huge disruption and disturbance to your home and routine.

but it's not about "liking", it's about helping.

I might hate being in the rain, I would still help out a friend doing whatever even if it was raining that day?

Again, "helping" with the dog doesn't mean taking it in your home?

It's not about being "happy" to help, it's about being human and decent.
Each to their own, but my own life is so much better because my friends and family are decent too, and people help out.

This. Why do you expect your DIL to sort this situation out?

She has no obligation at all to help you with your dog. Why are you even taking the dog over there? Are you the sort of people that take their dog everywhere? Leave the dog at home when you visit

why are people so obsessed about taking the dog in their home? That wasn't the point.

And cockapoo was to illustrate that they are not scary, while someone refusing to walk a Malinois or a Rottweiler, because they are very strong and some people find them scary is understandable. Not everyone has the strength to handle a Rottweiler who decides to go for a run, and that's ok. Difference between "can't be arsed" and "can't".

That story about explosive poo in the garden centre is exactly why I wouldn’t even let one in my garden.

It’s been a year. How is it a “temporary” thing? I’d give her a deadline and say no more.

Your partner shouldn’t be subjecting to you this. what is he saying about it all? He should be standing up to his mother. I wouldn’t even have agreed for one weekend let alone one year.

She isn’t able to look after the dog anymore, she will need to look into alternatives or changing her job. Whatever she does it’s up to her but it shouldn’t involve you.

my post was in reply to a very nasty one, and much tamer than then one I replied to, I stand by it. People who are so nasty need to be call out.

Of course a cockapoo is scary! They’re horrible high-energy temperamental dogs.

why are people so obsessed about taking the dog in their home?

Because that’s what the OP is about? She’s asking the DIL to take her dog into her home.

May not be scary to YOU! The cockapoo running full pelt and jumping all over me which ended up scratching my upper thigh was scary to ME. I find dogs that are jumpy and high energy put me on edge. I actually prefer my other neighbours Rottweiler because it’s very chill. It doesn’t so much as bark at me. Still wouldn’t want it in my home but even then.

The bottom line is - people are different and again you don’t know the impact her having a dog in the house or looking after a dog would have on OP’s DIL.

She clearly dislikes them or is scared of them that much that she doesn’t even let them in when Op pops over. From what I can recall of OP’s post its also not clear long she will be away for.

There was a thread a while back about someone who took their friends dog in while she went up to Scotland for a death or illness of a relative and 3 days turned into over a week or something.

And as someone pointed out she may have various plans that having the dog would screw up, since it seems to be one you can’t leave for too long! Just because she doesn’t do paid work it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have appointments or some other commitments or things she has to do.

ETA: I’ve just checked and it’s also not clear how she wants her DIL to help exactly, she is vague on what help she is requesting from her. But the phrase “look after the dog” in this context usually and probably means to take the dog in her home. Especially since it seems as if the dog isn’t one that is used to being left alone for long periods if she’s dragging it to her DILs house.

Why would you even ask her? You know she doesn’t like dogs, to the extent that she won’t even have yours in her house for short visits. Obviously she’s not going to go from that to now having the dog stay in her house for an extended time.

It feels like you’ve been resenting her for a while over this, and you’ve deliberately asked her so you can get all resentful and hard done by when she inevitably refuses. You could have just asked friends in the first place.

Also why do both of you need to go? Surely if you’re a couple with a dog, one goes, one stays home to look after the dog?