AIBU to feel upset my daughter-in-law will not help with our dog?

[BadGran]

I know I probably IABU but I need a little moan. My husband & I are currently in a very difficult situation with a very ill relative and we need to travel to see them urgently.

It’s all happened very quickly and as a result we are struggling to find someone to look after our dog while we are away. We have 3 children - our 2 daughters are always happy to chip in with the dog where they can when we are in a bind but my son’s wife does not like dogs and won’t have them in her house which i do understand but means our dog has to stay in the garden when we go to their house which isn’t always ideal depending on the weather etc and I know it annoys my daughters.

Anyway both my daughters have jobs with no flexibility or working from home options so can’t help on this occasion. My son is working abroad. My Daughter-in-Law is a housewife so theoretically could help but as previously mentioned she refuses to have anything to do with the dog.

I know she is perfectly within her rights and it’s our dog not hers but I’m finding it quite hard not to feel quite cross about the whole situation as I feel this is adding an additional layer of stress in already horrible circumstances.

AIBU to feel this way ?

Yeah I wouldn’t even be keen to have a dog in my garden. What if it shits? I spend enough time dodging dog poo on the pavement and in parks. I don’t need it in my garden too.

I am so glad my partner stays in a block of flats where dogs are not allowed so his parents don’t bring around their poorly trained huge dog. And they never come round mine.

I must say kudos to OP’s son for presumably backing his wife. It should be a given but we see on here all the time men letting their parents order their wives around.

I suppose nowyou know what to say to her if she needs a favour one day. Yes I would be that petty. well ok I wouldn't because I don't give favours to receive BUT I wouldn't forget it

That is just despicable. Shame on you.

Just return the favour when she is in a bind. Simples.

I have a dog that I adore and I wouldn’t want anyone who doesn’t love dogs looking after him. When we’re away I want him to be loved and fussed over, not shoved in the garden and neglected so I don’t know why you would even want her to look after your dog!

This needs repeating.

Would also add that you @BadGran don't seem to care for your dog very much

How judgemental can some people get? You have no idea why she doesn’t work and another poster saying “time on her hands.” I work full time and I’m childless and I wouldn’t swap someone being on call 24/7 to be a dogs body, a thankless dogsbody, for nothing. Thank you.

Exactly.

And also why should someone be expected to allow a cockapoo in their house if they don’t like dogs? I am baffled by that. They still count as dogs ffs!

I’m no expert in breeds but from my experience the cockapoos I’ve encountered are unhinged. My neighbours cockapoo dog jumped on me and scratched my leg and she stood there and grinned. I saw her a few days later and it came towards me again, I had to tell her to make sure her dog never touched me again or I’d report her. So yeah it being a cockapoo doesn’t make it any better @SceptredIsle

Being “mean” would be owning or looking after a dog and mistreating it. Knowing what you like and don’t like, and staying away from the latter as much as you can is being an adult and using common sense. Not being “mean”.

I am convinced this is also about a power struggle. She’s consistently testing her DiLs boundaries and is irked by the fact she stands on business and doesn’t budge from her no dogs rule.

You've framed this as a complaint that your DIL is being unhelpful. This isn't accurate.

She's been very clear that the dog is not welcome and you are simply refusing to respect this. You should not be taking it to her property at all, let alone asking her to take responsibility for it.

What your complaint amounts to is that your DIL wouldn't drop her personal boundary to suit you. That's not refusing to help, that's someone drawing the line and no, they're not even close.

I'm sorry to hear your relative is unwell but it changes nothing: The dog is your responsibility alone. Call a sitter, apologise to your DIL and don't take your dog to her property in future.

YABU. She doesn’t like dogs and presumably has children if she is at home. Can one of you not stay home with the dog or take it with you.

Lots of kennels near us. I wouldn’t have a dog in the house.

Also agree that with an ill relative just one of you could go

@LadyLaundry I picked up on the issue of pushing boundaries too - isn’t it funny how some people really get upset when someone holds their boundary?

Especially when that someone is a woman!

The fact that both Op and her daughter have complained about the DIL in regards to her not allowing the dog in the house even before this is very telling.

They seem to feel their desire to have this dog in her living space should trump her discomfort/fear/dislike of dogs. And after bitching about her attitude towards the dog they had a nerve to try get her to do them a favour regarding said dog.

Your dog your problem and you are being VVVV unreasonable expecting her to have it in her house!

I adore dogs, my own especially - there is no way I would leave them with someone who didn’t love and know how to take care of them. You need to find a live-in sitter. There are loads of them around, fully referenced and insured.

And I am curious as to why the dog cant travel with OP and then her and her partner take turns to look after the dog when they’re at the relatives house/hospital?

While one of them visits the relative, the other could drive around with the dog or take them for a walk.

A friend of mine was stopping into to see me on her way back from another city when I was unwell .

She was with her husband, child and dog.

I said I wasn’t keen on dogs and she took zero offence. She just left the dog with her family and met me separately while her family went off and got something to eat. No fuss no problem!

i don’t know her family at all, but if for example say I knew her husband and had wanted to see him too, they could have just did a switch over at one point where she drove off with the dog and child and he came out to see me.

You are absolutely dreadful to even consider leaving your dog with her. You are beyond dreadful to have ever left your dog outside in a garden. The poor dog should be taken away from you!

Completely unreasonable. Your dog, your problem to sort - and I say that as a dog owner myself. If your daughters are that bothered, then they can take leave from work and look after the dog. Do they not have husbands or partners that could do their share and 'chip in' - or is it just your poor DIL that you all like to bad mouth. Seems like there's much more resentment here that you and your daughters have towards DIL, and not just this dog issue. Poor woman.

Some people like you, should not be allowed to have pets. Horrible way to treat a dog.

When you get pets you work through these scenarios - dogs can be pretty Marmite kind of pets so if she's uncomfortable you can't just get huffy about it.

I think you'll have to look at a kennel.

My husband used to work abroad sometimes when my eldest was little, it was very hard. She may not be in paid employment but she will be working hard looking after your DGD. The last thing she needs is MIL's dog to look after, especially as she doesn't recieve help from you since you dropped her toddler.

You are of course being unreasonable.
There seems to be this trend at the moment of people who are absolutely unhealthily nutty about their dogs. Can't seem to visit friends, go to a café or even shopping without their dog. I know a lot of people who got dogs in lockdown, didn't socialise them and now can't control them. What's more they are quick to dismiss bad behaviour.

DH and I both grew up with multiple dogs from a young age, our whole childhoods. I used to consider myself a dog lover but now I can't stand them. Partly because of how many near misses we've had with out of control dogs but also sick of people who think dogs are their babies and they are horrified at not taking them everywhere or can't possibly put them away for visitors (even for babies/small children).

I am massively projecting, but all to say that if you don't like dogs you will never in a million years take care of one, especially in your home.

We wouldn't let people walk on our carpet with boots/shoes on (unless workmen possibly), so the idea that an animal who has walked around outside would be on your carpet, sofa, bed 🤢. The ones who share beds absolutely blow my minds.

Please don't ask people who don't like dogs to have them, and please stop taking them to their homes even if it is to be in their garden. It's weird.

No, just a responsible dog owner that knows emergencies happen, so keep my records for both my dogs in order, just in case. I have elderly parents overseas. If I couldn't get them emergency care, I suppose my husband would have to stay home. Like kids, the dogs won't just disappear conveniently.

Why do you bring it round to your DS & DIL's house anyway OP? If the dog is so poorly trained can't be left at home while you pop round for a cup of tea and a play with your DGD is it any wonder your DIL doesn't want it in her home around her child? What is she supposed to do when she wants to take her DD to soft play or a play date and she is responsible for a dog who is not used to being left? Having the dog is going to completely bugger up whatever routine her and her DD have. Just because she is a SAHM doesn't mean that she stays home all day.