AIBU to feel upset my daughter-in-law will not help with our dog?

[BadGran]

I know I probably IABU but I need a little moan. My husband & I are currently in a very difficult situation with a very ill relative and we need to travel to see them urgently.

It’s all happened very quickly and as a result we are struggling to find someone to look after our dog while we are away. We have 3 children - our 2 daughters are always happy to chip in with the dog where they can when we are in a bind but my son’s wife does not like dogs and won’t have them in her house which i do understand but means our dog has to stay in the garden when we go to their house which isn’t always ideal depending on the weather etc and I know it annoys my daughters.

Anyway both my daughters have jobs with no flexibility or working from home options so can’t help on this occasion. My son is working abroad. My Daughter-in-Law is a housewife so theoretically could help but as previously mentioned she refuses to have anything to do with the dog.

I know she is perfectly within her rights and it’s our dog not hers but I’m finding it quite hard not to feel quite cross about the whole situation as I feel this is adding an additional layer of stress in already horrible circumstances.

AIBU to feel this way ?

@BadGran I am on the dil side, I am not a dog person, and would not like them in my house either. I have no interest in pets. She is well within her rights to say no. That is what doggy day care is for.

Yup.. you just pay a sitter. The fact she’s a “housewife” is irrelevant. She doesn’t have to look after your dog.

Your DIL shouldn't even br an option to think of as she's made it clear she won't do it.

Why cant you take the dog with you?

You take it to DILs rather than leave it at home like a normal person who knows dogs arent loved by anyone? Its rather rude. And I say that as a dog owner.

Or only one of them go and the other look after their dog?!

Are you high?!

the OP has tried to avoid leaving her dog with strangers, or at a kennels, and is getting absolutely slated for it!

Some of the posts on here saying people are awful and 'glad I don't have family members like these people' because they wouldn't help with dogs are just ridiculous.

Refusing after a dog, when you don't like them/ are allergic/ are afraid or don't like them doesn't mean you wouldn't help out in other ways or are unkind, selfish or wouldn't help out family.

I'd happily (and have) looked after my nephews and nieces, my friend's children, we had friends move in and live with us when an emergency happened in their home, have driven people to airports, lent money etc etc I would do many many things to support loved ones, as I am sure all the others who wouldn't look after dogs would!

Looking after an animal is very different, especially when you aren't comfortable around them, don't like them or fear them. Just because dog owners are happy around dogs and don't see it as any way problematic, others do not feel the same. It doesn't matter if it's just for someone to pop to the shops or whether it's a massive emergency... you can't force someone to feel comfortable and make their nervousness or anxiety around dogs magically disappear enough to suddenly be equipped to deal with one. It is a very different thing.

I've raised my own children, worked in education my whole life and have plenty of nieces and nephews I adore: I'd happily look after multiple children at short notice but I've never looked after an animal and wouldn't want to.

I agree. I’ve been asked a few really unreasonable things recently. Things that to me are absolute common sense that I am not in a position to do. So now, I have to walk around with the guilt (and shame?) of being the person that said no, I can’t get past it and I’m so resentful that they put me in a position where I’ve had to refuse something that I simply am not in a position to do. So many people say that it’s not entitled to ask but when someone has not volunteered to do something that they know you need then surely it’s best not to ask? Really all you’re doing is hoping to guilt them into it! You know they don’t want to. I would rather drink arsenic than have someone do something for me that I know they don’t want to. It seems some people just want to bully / shame people into it.

but this person isn't a friend, its her DIL. They didn't choose to be linked together.

very good point.

You literally could not be more unreasonable

We have 3 children - our 2 daughters are always happy to chip in with the dog where they can when we are in a bind but my son’s wife does not like dogs and won’t have them in her house which i do understand but means our dog has to stay in the garden when we go to their house which isn’t always ideal depending on the weather etc and I know it annoys my daughters.

Are you serious? Why are you taking the dog to their house when you know DIL doesn't like it? And then moaning you have to put it in the garden?

No, that's not the situation, but they aren't both able to go, because they have a dog. Unless they can arrange dog care they fundamentally are not able to both go. A bit like any other commitment. Like work, children, a farm, whatever.

yup. I don't get why this is not the first , simplest and most obvious solution. Its what my late husband and I used to do.

What a load of mawkish twaddle. "Waah, I can't afford kennels" - then you can't afford a dog!

What on earth do you expect people who have no idea whether the dog is male or female to refer to it as, other than "It"?

yabu. I hate dogs and there’s no way I’d have one in my house, ever. For any reason.

This is click bait

Noticeably, you mention the favour being done by several people rather than one who has sole charge of a toddler who can't be used to dogs at home, and say nothing about any of them really disliking dogs either. Almost like the situations aren't comparable.

Pleased you’ve been told in no uncertain terms how it is. Hopefully you can respect that in future and have a better relationship because of it. I have a dog, it’s lovely I can take it anywhere, but sometimes I can’t and I must respect that.

Well aren't you wonderful. I am too. But never mind. The people around me are very appreciative of the kind, caring, generous person i am and many things I do for them. But thankfully none of them would ever ask me to mind their dogs as they know i would not be able to do it.
I do plenty of things I'd rather not, but the dog thing, I just can't.

I’m glad your DIL has felt comfortable and confident enough to maintain her boundaries and tbh I cannot understand why you would have asked her when you know her answer would be no.

You say your other daughters don’t like how the dog has to go in the garden at hers so obviously an ongoing situation that sounds like you’ve moaned about DIL with your dd’s. With that in mind good for her saying no. She must feel a real strong feeling about this from you all.

Im sorry you have an urgent crisis but that does not mean she has a duty to your dog.

Please after all this have a fresh look at the situation for how it is.
if she had a pet rat or a snake or an animal you don’t like, would you be ok with it going around your house ?
Difference is those animals probably wouldn’t leave a smell like your dog would. All dogs smell even freshly groomed ones!!

Hope you find a dog sitter but be kind to DIL too.

She doesn't like dogs or have any experience of looking after one. She is completely unsuitable. Start looking around for dog sitters.

So because you love dogs everyone should love dogs?

I hate dogs but fortunately all my dog-mad friends can see that I have plenty of good qualities despite that, and they still value me as a human being and as a friend.

Snappy response!

And no, no I am not.

ETA....the DIL IS a stranger! What part of that are you missing? Perhaps you are high!

Team dil, why do you take your dog with you to their house anyway? I’m not a dog person and nobody is silly enough to do that- when the topic of having you round came up I’d say to dh it just annoys me so much that they bring their dog and then do those looks because dog isn’t coming in the house. It’s a dog free house, lots of people have them, and your parents are just so entitled.