AIBU to feel upset my daughter-in-law will not help with our dog?

[BadGran]

I know I probably IABU but I need a little moan. My husband & I are currently in a very difficult situation with a very ill relative and we need to travel to see them urgently.

It’s all happened very quickly and as a result we are struggling to find someone to look after our dog while we are away. We have 3 children - our 2 daughters are always happy to chip in with the dog where they can when we are in a bind but my son’s wife does not like dogs and won’t have them in her house which i do understand but means our dog has to stay in the garden when we go to their house which isn’t always ideal depending on the weather etc and I know it annoys my daughters.

Anyway both my daughters have jobs with no flexibility or working from home options so can’t help on this occasion. My son is working abroad. My Daughter-in-Law is a housewife so theoretically could help but as previously mentioned she refuses to have anything to do with the dog.

I know she is perfectly within her rights and it’s our dog not hers but I’m finding it quite hard not to feel quite cross about the whole situation as I feel this is adding an additional layer of stress in already horrible circumstances.

AIBU to feel this way ?

If you own a dog it is Your responsibility. Not your DD, DS, DIL or SIL, DPs, anyone else: YOUR responsibility. Out visiting: Leave your dog at home or at a suitable Dog daycare or kennels. Only take your dog where they are truly welcome and never to somewhere with children or cats.

Cockapoos have unpredictable traits and suffer from separation anxiety and are high energy- definitely not dogs for someone who doesn’t like them. I’m definitely scared of them. And the breed doesn’t matter really.

I love dogs but YAB massively UR in this instance!! Not everyone likes dogs and that’s fine, she is under absolutely no obligation to help you and you are a CF to even be a tiny bit annoyed about it.

Assuming there’s two of you, one goes to the ill relative and one stays with the dog?

But you ARE expecting her to look after your dog.
And you're feeling cross that she won't.

You are being completely unreasonable, OP.

You haven't mentioned the option of kennels, or do you not like to leave your dog in kennels?

I’m a dog owner and lover but not everybody likes them (why I’ll never know, dogs rock, but they don’t!)

Wow, you couldn’t pay me any money to live with a dog. You should not even have asked.

Agree, this is incredibly misogynistic. DIL is presumably raising the children and organising everyone’s lives. That is work (I am not a SAHM BTW, but I support them as most of what they do goes unnoticed).

As someone who would do anything for anyone, I would not have a dog in my house. I would go to their house and look after it there, but not in my home.

I understand your stress as I have single handedly looked after ill parents (with a sister and brother not prepared to help) but I still think you are being unreasonable.
I suspect if it was your son refusing, you would feel differently .......

That sums it up from me.
I have family with dogs. I'd be perfectly happy to call and walk / feed them but no chance of having a dog inside my house.

Does the ill relative genuinely really need both of you to go?

If there really is no other way around this then maybe just one of you go.

I would help my parents or PIL out without hesitation, but I love animals and dogs.

I note the son in laws get no mention here. Must be women’s work I guess.

Put your dog in a kennel and for the love of gos stop taking it over there when you know she doesn’t like it!

My daughter is absolutely terrified of all dogs. There is no way I would impose one on her. Why should she have to put up with a dog slobbering and jumping on her?

Do daughters have partners? Maybe they could help. Alternatively your daughters could take leave from work (paid or unpaid). I think you're underestimating how hard it would be for someone who doesn't like dogs, to have to look after and share their home with a dog. If other family can't help then you'll have to use kennels or a dog sitter.

I don’t like dogs but always helped my MIL out with hers. She died last month and now I’ve taken on her dog. It’s helping family.
edit to say, while I wouldn’t choose to have dogs, this wee one is growing on me and it’s the least I can do for both of them.

The OP wasn't asking the DIL to come to her home twice a day, give it food and water and let it out to the OP's garden. And she wasn't asking to cover a day or two until other solution kicks in.

If it was that, her dautghters might be able to do it - no WFH doesn't mean they can't come before/after.

We know that the OP isn't even leaving her dog at home when visiting DIL, she is forcing it at her and than is collectivelly annoyed (with her DDs) that the dog has to stay in the DIL's garden and isn't let inside.

The DIL can't give an inch because the OP isn't a reasonable dog owner at the best of the times.

This isn't about hate. It is about using the opportunity of supposed emergency to break the DIL's boundaries.

You should not be pressuring your DiL to do something she is clearly very uncomfortable with. Since either of your DD are happy taking care of your dog, but the issue is that they can't do anything during the day because they're working, surely the option is to have one of them house the dog and pay for a dog walker during the day. Either that, or pay for a kennel.

How do you know she isn't independently wealthy? Or got a health issue and can't work? Or manages her investments for a living, and actually has more money than OP's son? Or that her husband prefers her not to work? Or that they are ttc, and she's not working to give herself the best chance of conceiving? Etc etc.

Why do people think anyone should look after their dog? Literally it’s your own problem to deal with. Kennel the dog. I’ve just ended up reluctantly agreeing to walk my son’s dog while they go on holiday because his partner doesn’t believe in kennels. It’s ridiculous, I’m so cross that they aren’t dealing with their own dog! I have a dog and I find my own solution. I also don’t want anyone else’s dog hairs in my house. That’s totally reasonable.

Dogs are not pariah’s for gods sake.

I don’t particularly like reptiles or other people’s kids etc but if a family member or friend was in a sticky emergency situation and needed help I would offer to go to their home to help out.

Have you offered OP any suggestions on what she can do or did you come on here just to say this?

So you're one of those people who thinks everyone should love your dog.
I have 3 dogs, I love my dogs, I do not expect everyone to love or even like them.
Your dil is most definitely not being unreasonable, you however ......

I'd advise your DIL to get a cat.

I am sorry you have a very sick relative @BadGran but you are being VVV unreasonable re your DIL.

Some people, including me, are not dog people and are nervous of dogs. Even if I were comfortable with your dog, I coukdn't walk it due to other dogs.

Kennels, dog sitters or one of your dd's cd take unpaid leave perhaps and you could reimburse them.

Feeling really sorry for your DIL.

I love dogs
but we have wool carpets and I don’t want dog hairs in my house on my clothes and carpets. I don’t want a dog in my garden ruining my lawn and digging in my flower beds.

I have had doggy homes in the past but wish to keep my house dog free.

JFC. It’s one dog, it’s not a velociraptor!!! I truly hope not one of you who’ve spouted the “I don’t like” line ever asks anyone in your friends or family to help you, with anything, ever, even in an emergency. Oh, but I absolutely guarantee you have and you do, because somehow it’s “different” for you. I despair.

They’re not just popping on holiday, OP said it was a family emergency…it’s a bit different.

I have suggested to OP that only one of them go to family emergency if nobody can help, because I’m not leaving my dog with just anyone and she wouldn’t find kennel space at short notice.

Awful that you asked her.