AIBU to forgive a friend who shouted at me and my children?

[PretzelPretzel]

Long story short, myself and my almost teenage children were going out with a friend of mine for the day. My friend let us know when she had parked outside, and we were to leave our house and go to her car (as she wanted to go straight away and not come inside). It's typical that when we were about to leave, one child couldn't find their socks, and then the other child had to go and get changed after noticing a hole in the back of their trousers. This delayed us getting to my friends car by about 6-7 minutes after she'd parked up (honestly it was no longer, and we don't usually do this). I realise that waiting is a pain in the arse, but I assumed that an apology from me would cut it.
Anyway, when we got into the car, she was very off with me and the children. She then started ranting and droning on about how we take the piss for making her wait. I apologised, but was told that my apology was not accepted as "you know I don't like waiting for anyone".
She literally ranted on and on for around 15minutes non stop. It was making the atmosphere in the car really awkward and uncomfortable, and she was starting to get louder and louder. I apologised again and asked how much longer she was going to go on about it? This enraged her further, and I was met with full on shouting, F bombs, and her fist banging the door on her side, and the steering wheel. This carried on for another 10 or so minutes, continuous expletives and shouting. Myself and my children sat in silence/shock. I then asked her to pull over and let us out of the car, but was refused as she still wanted to go on our day out because I'd apparently already wasted enough of her time.
We spent the rest of the journey in awkward silence, until I was barked at to get out at the petrol station to buy her petrol. I'm not usually a push over, but was so in shock that I did what I was told.
We had a crap time once we arrived at the destination, as she was still raging and making snarky comments.
Once home, I ignored her for a week, until she called to apologise. Then she said it's best we stop talking altogether because her rage was always taking over and she didn't want to keep upsetting me and my children. She has form for this, but I've always stood by her as I've known her and been close to her for years, long before I'd ever seen her rage. These rages are always over trivial things that other people wouldn't bother about.
AIBU if I forgive her?
Sould I just let her go?
Friends are hard to come by, and I've not got any others currently.

Steer clear. Keep your kids away from her.

There is no way I’d have continued with the day. If I wasn’t comfortable getting my children out of the car at the petrol station, I’d have been telling her very clearly that we aren’t spending the day together and you’ll make your own way home.
Paying for petrol when someone else is driving is very kind, but surely it should be a contribution to the cost not the full cost, and no way would I pay for her tickets!

She sounds toxic and a cheeky fucker, I’m not entirely sure what you’re getting out of a friendship with someone like this. If you don’t feel you can end your friendship for yourself, do it for your children. No way I’d want someone like that around my family.

i think your friend clearly has issues and her reaction to a minor inconvenience was completely OTT.
If she has genuinely apologised and has insight into her issues and does something to address it i probably would forgive her with the proviso that if it happens again,particularly around children, thats a deal breaker.
i can see how if you give someone a lift and they don't respect your time and aren't ready at the agreed time faffing about with lost socks ect,it would be disrespectful and annoying. But ,her response was extreme.
Bottom line is wether you forgive her is up to you,does she have any redeeming qualities apart from this meltdown?

"Friends are hard to come by, and I've not got any others currently"

This is the saddest sentence in your post. If you do maintain the "friendship" (is that what it is?) keep children out of it. But better to find some other friends, for your own sake - join local groups?

@PretzelPretzel I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. What happened in that car wasn’t normal irritation, it was a full rage episode, and your children were trapped in a moving vehicle with someone who was shouting, swearing, and hitting the steering wheel. That’s not safe, and it’s not something you can shrug off with an apology.

Six minutes of waiting does not justify 25 minutes of ranting, shouting, F‑bombs, banging on the car door, refusing to let you out, demanding petrol money, and then sulking all day. That’s not “being a bit stressed,” that’s someone who cannot regulate their emotions.

You’ve said she has form for this. That’s the key point. This isn’t a one‑off. She herself admitted her rage “always takes over.” That’s not something you can manage for her, and it’s not something your children should be exposed to.

Forgiving her in your own mind is fine, that’s about you. But letting her back into your life is a different question entirely. Unless she gets proper help for her anger, nothing will change, and your children’s emotional safety has to come first. She is telling you "No" to the help as she does not want to change and does not feel she needs to , nor does she realise how bad it is and until people that are close to her start setting boundaries, she will have no reason to.

Friends are hard to come by, but a friend who scares your children, traps you in a car during a meltdown, and rages over trivial things is not actually giving you friendship. She’s giving you stress and unpredictability. You are also telling your kids that this behaviour is acceptable and it is not.

And as her friend, some times you need to set hard boundaries for their sake because someday she is going to end up in big trouble over her rages so she needs help now, or keep her at arms length,

If she ever gets anger‑management support and shows real, sustained change, you can reassess. But until then, stepping back isn’t unkind - it’s sensible.

Until she learns to control her temper, i'd steer well clear meaning dropping her to an acquaintance' status in your circle, not a friend..
It was totally unacceptable to get so enraged about a 6 or 7 minute wait , and then subject your children to a torrent of abuse AFTER you had already apologised, and let her mood ruin the whole day for you all.

She is clearly has anger management issues.

I wouldn't let it go and I wouldn't continue the friendship.
You also can't forgive her on behalf of your children, only yourself. I wouldn't be putting my children in the firing line ever again.

I have to admit that my first reaction was, why didn’t you make sure your kids were ready?

Her reaction was certainly OTT, but it’s a PITA to have promised to pick someone up at a specific time, and find that they’re not ready. TBH I’ve usually found that it’s old people, who just need to have a wee, change their shoes, find their bag or coat, where are their keys….etc. etc.

Honestly? A friend is someone you have a nice time with and who, once you’ve seen them, makes you feel better about yourself and the world. This isn’t that person.

From your updates this person needs you so much more than you need her. I wonder a bit if you’ve lost sense of how damned peculiar she is.

In her place I would have been mildly irritated that you were late but her reaction was completely out of proportion. Given her previous actions too I wouldn’t be friends with her and especially wouldn’t expose my children to her behaviour.

Try rural North Yorkshire or Cumbria. You might get one but it could take a long time to come.

In my experience older people are ready at the door with their handbag in their hand.

We're all different with different levels of tolerance, so you'll do what you feel is best for you, but I wouldn't tolerate anyone speaking to me like that. Lack of friends or not, this person isn't a nice friend. She's abusive and has a big problem. Don't stay friends just because they seem thin on the ground at the moment. She needs to stop making excuses and dismissing her terrible behaviour, and get help. You can do better OP x

Having lived somewhere even more rural than Somerset, the idea you can just summons a taxi at will is laughable.

And you telling her to go fuck herself is completely justified then!

@PretzelPretzel interesting name choice actually, cos this is exactly the shape you’re contorting yourself into, to be friends with a total tosser!

read your op again and again. Think what YOU would say if a stranger told you this was happening to them.

you’re going to say exactly what all of us are saying to you.

she only wants you to go out because you’re the mug that bank rolls it all. You told her to pull over and she refused. She effectively held you hostage. With your kids and you spent an awkward day with her and paid for the fucking privilege!

wow! Seriously love, wake up and smell the roses here!

I really love the sound of you btw, you sound kind and generous and a good friend to have. So please take this with the love with which I mean it?

the myself and my kids thing. Just no. There’s an epidemic of this and it’s beyond irritating. It’s Me and my kids, OR My kids and I.

me and my kids were going …
my kids were going..
I was going

its never myself is going or myself and the kids are going.

For some reason society seems to have taken against the words Me or You, choosing Myself or Yourself thinking it’s more polite. It’s not.

i hate the way everyone sounds like an illiterate estate agent these days.

my (softly spoken, no raised voices here) rant over

NEVER LET THIS DREADFUL WOMAN WASTE ANY MORE OF YOUR TIME

Shes taking up the space in your life where a decent friend would be.

You are unreasonable for sitting in the car for so long just taking it. Who the hell does she think she is?

And don’t you dare forgive her!

”I feel our friendship has run its course. I’m not going to allow someone treat me like you did, worse in front of my kids. I pay for everything and you demand more and more. On top of this you wait 7minutes cos my kids are disorganised and think that entitled you to scream and shout at us? No. No more, we’re done”

If you stay friends with this woman think about the message that is sending your children. Would you want them to be friends with a person like this?

I can’t believe you paid her petrol and continued with the day. In your shoes I would have DEMANDED she pull over or I’d be calling the police.

She was completely disregulated driving a car with your children in it and refused to let you out. That’s child endangerment and false imprisonment not a temper tantrum. Future contact would be a hard no from me, even before we get into the horrible language and abusive behaviour she displayed to you and the children, who must have been really scared.

You shouldn't put up with that and neither should your children.
You are basically giving her permission to continue speaking to you all like rubbish.
Yes, she clearly has issues but that's no excuse for her continuous shouting and swearing at you and your children.
I'd refuse to have anything to do with her until she has sought the help that she needs.

my friend is always late i think shes got some sort of add but i never rant at her never scream just get on with it-there was no need for the way she reacted to you being a few minugtes late

Wow she sounds unhinged. Don’t take a lift from her again.
You definitely did not deserve such a lashing.
I understand her frustration but not her reaction to it. If you know someone is picking you up be ready in the garden 5 minutes before when you have children, it’s not the time to start putting on socks as they’ve arrived.

Oh dear - the OP went from bad to worse and not being able to leave the car when you asked with your children in the back. Terrible.

the friendship should be over or at least, not a friendship maintained with the kids present. Do not normalise abusive behaviour.

Absolutely not. I'm all for acting with kindness and trying to see both sides but that kind of temper tantrum whilst driving a car with passengers is so irresponsible and dangerous.
If it had been my children in the car and she'd refused to pull over, we would have been getting out at the petrol station and calling a taxi to take us home - never mind paying for her petrol and continuing on the journey! Honestly, OP, what were you thinking?
She recognises that her behaviour is unhealthy and you should too. Let her go.

I wouldn't want anyone as unhinged as this around my children.
Maybe if this was an isolated incident, but you said she has form for similar behaviour. Put the kids first and ditch her, stat.