AIBU to forgive a friend who shouted at me and my children?

[PretzelPretzel]

Long story short, myself and my almost teenage children were going out with a friend of mine for the day. My friend let us know when she had parked outside, and we were to leave our house and go to her car (as she wanted to go straight away and not come inside). It's typical that when we were about to leave, one child couldn't find their socks, and then the other child had to go and get changed after noticing a hole in the back of their trousers. This delayed us getting to my friends car by about 6-7 minutes after she'd parked up (honestly it was no longer, and we don't usually do this). I realise that waiting is a pain in the arse, but I assumed that an apology from me would cut it.
Anyway, when we got into the car, she was very off with me and the children. She then started ranting and droning on about how we take the piss for making her wait. I apologised, but was told that my apology was not accepted as "you know I don't like waiting for anyone".
She literally ranted on and on for around 15minutes non stop. It was making the atmosphere in the car really awkward and uncomfortable, and she was starting to get louder and louder. I apologised again and asked how much longer she was going to go on about it? This enraged her further, and I was met with full on shouting, F bombs, and her fist banging the door on her side, and the steering wheel. This carried on for another 10 or so minutes, continuous expletives and shouting. Myself and my children sat in silence/shock. I then asked her to pull over and let us out of the car, but was refused as she still wanted to go on our day out because I'd apparently already wasted enough of her time.
We spent the rest of the journey in awkward silence, until I was barked at to get out at the petrol station to buy her petrol. I'm not usually a push over, but was so in shock that I did what I was told.
We had a crap time once we arrived at the destination, as she was still raging and making snarky comments.
Once home, I ignored her for a week, until she called to apologise. Then she said it's best we stop talking altogether because her rage was always taking over and she didn't want to keep upsetting me and my children. She has form for this, but I've always stood by her as I've known her and been close to her for years, long before I'd ever seen her rage. These rages are always over trivial things that other people wouldn't bother about.
AIBU if I forgive her?
Sould I just let her go?
Friends are hard to come by, and I've not got any others currently.

And pay her way as well? Completely baffling!

I wouldn’t forgive her. She would be forgotten. I understand there was shock but her refusing to let you out of the car and not to go wasn’t acceptable at all. Children forget things at times we all forget things at times it happens. She was abusing you in front of your children then treated you like a naughty child,demanding you get out and pay for petrol. Did you actually pay for it or did she give you the cash to get it ? While you wernt in the car have your children said what she was like to them ? This isn’t the type of friendship you should be accepting or showing your kids it’s acceptable to be a verbal punchbag for anybody.

How long have you been friends?
Do you like her ordinarily?

Does she understand that her behaviour was completely unacceptable?
Is she taking anything for it?

I think if you don’t have any other friends and you really like her it may be worth telling her you don’t necessarily want to end the friendship but she ought to get help and you will only see her on your own, not with the kids.

AIBU if I forgive her?
Should I just let her go?
Friends are hard to come by, and I've not got any others currently.

This makes clear that if you did not feel lonely and unable to make friends, you would not for a second tolerate the company of this person or let her near your children. I honestly don’t think she’s a friend.

So there are two different things going on. First, her behaviour was awful and I don’t think you or your children should have anything more to do with her. Her apology is for past behaviour but that doesn’t mean that you’re obliged to spend more time with her. I just don’t think you should do that.

It’s difficult not to have friends but these tend to build up overtime and indifferent circumstances. Do not scrape the barrel just because you want company. Let it go. Get on with your life and friends will happen, but they will be true friends, not just people that you have to be with because there’s no one else to be around.

Absolutely ditch her. Teach your kids you have self belief and you aren't a pushover financially.

All your replies are about her OP. Her behaviour is pretty much irrelevant because you have no control over how she’s going to behave on any given day. The only bit you can control is now you react to her - and that’s what you should be writing for advice about.

Why do you let her treat you like this?
In front of your kids? What kind of role model is that for them?
Why is she the only person you consider a friend when she’s really nothing but?
why are you so accepting of this treatment?

Go get some real friends and show your kids how to refuse to be treated like this.

You paid for the petrol, presumably more than was needed for the trip
You paid for the entrance tickets
You got screamed at
Your children got screamed at.

I’d never speak to her again. What kind of example are you setting your children - are they meant to think this is acceptable?

Cut her loose. She had a legitimate grievance but to behave like she did is totally unacceptable.

Her reaction was way over the top and totally unacceptable. And I don't like folk being late. I agree she has some serious anger issues. Maybe there's something going on in her life.

Totally agree with this. She needs some professional help and your children need better adult role models. It will only reflect badly on you if you continue to tolerate the potential for this type of behaviour from her. A small point, sometimes it’s better to just send a text to someone who’s waiting for you to say ‘whoops, sorry, we’re a bit behind due to x. Will be there in 5’ or whatever - but absolutely your ex friend’s behaviour to you all was awful. If she loses your friendship over this then maybe that’s the lesson she has to learn to make adjustments to her behaviour, with specialist help also - not with you supporting her through this as it could backfire and you just don’t need the stress of it. I’m sorry you don’t have other friends but I’m sure they will come. If it’s possible to join an activity, be it a book group or pottery or whatever floats your boat, it will be good to look after you too after this difficult situation. You sound super busy as a mum so if you can afford to find some ‘me’ time then friendships could follow. Good luck and thinking of you.

There is no way I'd get over someone abusing my dc. This is not remotely normal. Or refusing to let you out of the car!

Using aggression to control how you behave is entirely abusive. Don't become complicit in it, and don't let your dc think that's a normal way relationships should be.

Sorry, I think this is not a complete story. If it is, then this is not a healthy relationship, as you are both abusive and your children are exposed to it. Why would you want to be friends with someone so awful, has severe anger issues and is abusive. By the same token, why do treat this friend so badly by being continually late even when she has specifically asked not to be? Do you think that because you "pay" you have the right to treat her with contempt?

To be honest it sounds like you’re well shot of her. Who needs enemies with a friend like that?!

I would have blocked her on everything I could think of as soon as I got through the door. She is nuts.

She’s a bully and a user and she’s using you as her punchbag.
I wouldn’t want my children anywhere near her ever again.
You don’t subject your children to people they are scared of.
Have a look around you area for places you might be able to go to make new friends and dump her for good.

go your separate ways.

This didn't come from nowhere, did it? If it wasn't the first time, in her shoes? I'd have gone after 5 minutes and left you. Or told you not to bother and gone alone.

Teenager not being ready to go? that's on you.

But clearly you two have come to the end of your friendship road, and that is ok.
I also don't understand your title, should you forgive her? meaning you want to carry on? Her message clearly ended your friendship, so why are you asking?

Agree with justasking

@PretzelPretzel make an effort to find new friends. It's not easy but it's for the best.

You sound a lovely person and, in this situation, you behaved impeccably.

You apologised a lot

You asked to be let out of car

You did nit allow yourself to be. Abandoned st a petrol station.

You did the right thing.

Now cut this friend lose abd suggest again that she seek help.

She had anger issues.

I also don’t think it’s unreasonable for an adult and two nearly teen children to be ready and waiting if they know the time they are being picked up. Punctuality doesn’t seem to count for anything these days.

Let her go, yes.
if she’s a good friend you gently need to suggest she finds out what is going on in the background to make her do this.
my husband has similar behaviours (but always with me, never with friends). He has severe ADHD and RSD. His has severe childhood trauma from an emotionally manipulative mother.

Absolutely you shouldn’t forgive her. She needs to learn that it’s not acceptable and you won’t accept it. Not that I think you should be friends with her after that either.

I’m another one who would have left the car at the petrol station. She basically tried to kidnap you all for the day by refusing to stop (tried as in you could have got out later).

I’ve had enough of that sort of thing with my ex husband.

Where does the OP say that she is continually late? And what contempt are you referring to? I admit we are only hearing the OP’s side of the story. It’s not a court. But you’re making stuff up.

Read my post above. I was in the friend's situation once. I dealt with it by not making any more arrangements and we stayed friends making our own way to events. I did not rant and rave and shout at anybody because I am a normal person.

Please, please, PLEASE stay away from her.

Time to lose this friend, ahe isnt a friend and I’d rather have no friends than her. Yes annoying but life and a text message I’m assuming saying you will be a few minutes late. Shouting whike in control of a vehicle with children (and you) inside as guests is a huge safeguarding concern. I’d have bailed at the petrol station with children and got a cab or bus home. You cannot trust someone like this around your children. No ifs no buts, gone.

She’s a nasty, abusive, controlling piece of shit. Forgiveness does not need to mean letting her back into your life especially as she won’t do anything about it. She is most likely being manipulative in saying that you probably shouldn’t be friends anymore and expecting you to tell her everything is ok and forgive, forget and repeat.