AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

as I’ve said I don’t want any more. just for him to be a bit more polite about the whole agreement and a bit more communication

But you do want more than he's giving. You want the semblance of caring and he's not giving you that. You're not friends, you're just a casual hookup and this is a let's fuck, okay setup.

yeah pretty much I mean we chatted a little after but not much. I didn’t expect much more, I think I just expected a text the next day or something to acknowledge the sex at least.

im not complaining about the casual sex, it is what we agreed and that’s fine.
as I’ve said before I wanted some opinions from other who may have been in similar arrangements and more what the etiquette was.

I realised now that’s there’s not really a one size fits all on these arrangements. But I’m not happy with it so I don’t need to carry it on. That’s fine, I’ve tried it, I’m not happy, I’ll move on

Why would he send you a message to acknowledge the sex you had? You are expecting too much.

Alright, I didn’t realise I was but that’s fine I’ll learn from this and move on

Some men may send you a message after you have had sex, but most will only contact you to ask when you are free to have sex again.

Casual sex isn't for everyone - switch the emotions off. Men do not care.

Maybe 40mins all together

It works fine for us. We are exclusive though

He is making you feel bad about yourself. That is a good enough reason not to meet him again.

Yep. They don't even give a shit about women they're in actual relationships they're in a lot of the time what makes people think they care about women they're in a mere fwb with I'll never know. 😁

Men aren't your friends in a fwb arrangement. This is true 99% of the time.

Edited. Quoted wrong poster

I couldn't have a FWB for this precise reason, I would definitely feel used. I would want a little conversation, maybe a drink, even a meal, not just a swift shag and nothing else. Even for the most spectacular sex, it wouldn't be worth the blow to my self esteem.

Of course men can have female friends. My brother has female friends and one of his best friends at uni was female. I've had male friends in the past too.

Smacks of very low effort

II don't think this sort of arrangement is for you @AdeptLilacHare . It isn't FWB, there is no friendship, it's a casual hookup for him and not every personality does well with that (no judgement, some do) I'd get out before you get hurt

Don't settle for something that doesn't make you feel good, stating your needs isn't being needy, you call the shots here.

The good thing about casual arrangements like this is that you can be very direct, you would like a little more chat in-between and this arrangement isn't quite hitting the spot for you. He can then decide to either give a little more or if that's not possible, you simply end it.

I've had casual sex with people who are literally friends who I also have sex with, so we chat, message regularly, go out for dinner, drinks etc. then there are people who I've had great sexual chemistry with but I find dull/thick outside the bedroom, so it's been very much a 'just sex' thing, no seeing each other outside of the bedroom. But even then, there has been friendliness and communication.

You should be able to have a sexual relationship that meets other needs, this is not a 'you' problem at all, it's a him not being the right fit for you problem x

There's a lot of sweeping generalisations being made on here that I am not sure are helpful or accurate.

Men vary, and what they want from their relationships vary.

Of course there are men who want pure sex and no interaction.

Some women love that too. My best friend for example, arranged hook ups just like this - she finds it incredibly hot.

It would be almost impossible to gather actual data about what % of men prefer no strings sex - and in a sense what does that matter?

OP isn't asking for the earth, is she? Sounds like she wants a casual, non exclusive dating relationship. Loads of men want that too (I have spoken to lots of them on my recent foray into dating).

She hasn't done anything wrong. Men and women enjoy sex. (Arguably women enjoy it more than men, or at least have the potential to - multiple orgasms are a thing!)

She's tried one version of casual sex, and realised it's not for her.

So can we all lay off the mysoginistic stereotyping, and just support her in being a bit more assertive in looking for what she needs?

But lots of FWB relationships aren't like this one.

My FWB has supported me through some of the most difficult situations recently. He does my DIY. (And I do his laundry - so yeah there is a bit of sexist stereotyping going on, but....)

It's not always loveless and cold. I would say we love each other - just not quite enough to overcome put incompatibilities as a couple.

FWB, just like marriage, is a broad term that covers many variants.....

A friend qirh benefits and casual sex are very different things . The first involves friendship, rhe second does not,it is simply that. Sex.

i don’t know what the post that was deleted said, but if you were meeting him for 40 mins , shagging him then one or other leaves,

honesrly as much as some women may wish that, I couldn’t, I’d find it utterly demeaning. The fact he communicated more before meeting and then moved it to this, is also humiliating, it is n9 more than a physical act and he doesn’t wish to spend time with you.

end it and block him.

Is that 40 min total including going upstairs, getting undressed and then getting re dressed and leaving?

There is no rules as such in these kind of arrangements, you just agree what is best for you both. As you can see from the answers on this thread there are various degrees of friendship and intimacy people would like to have/ would accept; it doesn't matter what this arrangement is called. But if its not working for you, you either try to fix it or you finish it. Its as simple as that.

No

Just to be clear…. Condoms?