AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

Nope and neither do I to be honest
we spend 2 days a week together, I don’t want to live with him

He wanted casual sex and you agreed.
No one is being used, just the two of you want something different.

You aren't unreasonable to want different, but you are unreasonable to suggest he has done something wrong.

Just 'not be free' next time he calls and gradually he'll get the message.
Move on and be clearer next time with a new partner what you are looking for.

So a dating app but neither of you wanted to date, you just wanted sex so agreed to that? Or you met and there was no romantic spark so you agreed to just sex?

First post nails it.

@AdeptLilacHare

It was a dating app? So did you agree sex only via messaging before you met? Or did you rock up expecting a date and then… what?

Exactly

I am intrigued that the pair of you met on a dating app. Presumably you agreed to this situation before you met for the first time? Or did both your profiles make clear …. Looking for sex only?

If you feel used, stop doing it? Seems pretty straightforward.

That sounds like the ideal relationship!

You can feel how you feel.
You're naive to think this man is your friend, though.
In fact, with a few exceptions, most men are not actual 'friends' with the woman in a fwb scenario.
They don't give a fuck about her usually.

This is not working out for you so end it.
Just tell him in a polite text.
Or lie and say you've met somebody if you must or just block.

Unless he's the stalker - type, which is thankfully unlikely, he'll take it on the chin and move on.

I don’t really get the dilemma.

You’re involved in a situation with a man which isn’t working for you, and where there appears to be a disconnect between your respective expectations.

So you either end it, or you speak to him about whether it can change to something more what you’re looking for. If it can’t, you end it.

Pretty straightforward really.

And your unreasonable to expect anything from this other than what it’s always been - sex.

Ignore the horrible posts on here - you haven't done anything wrong, and you don't need therapy (well, you might, in my opinion most of us would benefit from it - but nothing you have said here makes you sound like a candidate for urgent therapy, is what I mean).

You want sex without commitment, but you would also like some of the fun aspects of dating - going out for drinks, flirty texts, cuddles, watching a film together.... I think that's what you are saying?

It's totally possible to find a guy who wants that too. I have one myself - and it's nice. I am actually looking for more commitment now, but for a while, the relationship with my FWB just perfectly fitted my needs.

I think you should:
A) politely finish with your current guy. Explain you are looking for a bit more, and not enjoying the set-up.
B) if necessary, rewrite your dating profile to explain that you want to meet someone for casual dating including sex, but not just purely for sex.
C) when you get chatting to guys, probe a bit more about what FWB looks like to them. Be explicit about your needs. And only agree to meet men who are willing to meet this.

All kinds of relationships are possible. Please don't assume you won't be able to find what you are looking for. I honestly think a lot of men are probably looking for the exact same thing!

Most human beings enjoy chat, company, bonding, a shared meal, watching a film together. As well as the stark act of sex. You honestly aren't asking for the impossible!

It's not far off to be honest! He's also hotter than the sun, and the sex is insanely good.

However, for some reason I have now got to the point where I do want some commitment, so I am back on the apps, alas.

But for a while, my FWB was exactly what I was looking for. I really do think this kind of relationship can work, and it's not always disempowering for women. It can be the exact opposite!

Why don’t you want more with someone you seem to get on incredibly well with? Why wouldn’t you want to… let’s say plan a holiday together?

As a pp said, this is a booty call, not FWB. He literally contacts you to ask when he can see you for sex. There's nothing else, no friendship, nothing. He doesn't message or call outside of that or to ask how you are. And reading updates, it does look like he made that clear.

He's not even a fuck buddy, as there's no "buddy" about it. You're each other's human sex toys. I was in that situation a few times when younger, and I told myself I loved the freedom, and oooh I was SO edgy. In reality I HATED it, and it made me feel dirty.

You know what to do. Stop if you don't like it. But there's no friendship here, and even if there were, are you wanting more? I used to have sex at university with a very good male friend of mine, and even though I didn't want anything more, I felt used and horrible.

But she’s getting sex!

It sounds way too impersonal and cold even for casual sex. In a casual sex situation I’d expect to have a drink or a chat first at least?! I don’t mean necessarily a date in a bar or something, but just at home, to break the ice/get in the mood. And exchange a couple words after?! He sounds a bit weird.

He's not weird at all.
In fact most men who have no desire for a romantic, emotional relationship with a woman would probably prefer-to use an awful expression - 'hit it and quit' which just means turn up, shag and leave with little interaction.

Nothing wrong with that if the woman feels the same.

If he doesn't want a romantic, emotional relationship what on earth is he there for if not sex only?

He can chat and have banter with his mates.

Id personally be more concerned that you are presumably hosting someone at your place that you barely know. Is he seeing other people as well? Presumably yes ?

He's not meeting your needs though. This isn't working for you. It wouldn't be for me either.

It’s clear you want some warmth from whoever you’re sleeping with, whereas he wants only to fuck and can’t be bothered to make an effort on a friendship.

I’d leave this one be and find someone else where there’s a mutual respect. Don’t bother trying to explain to this one what you want, you’ll come across clingy and needy.

Instead tell him “I don’t think we click sexually, it’s not quite doing it for me. All the best”.

Walk away with your dignity and hopefully the next one will be a better match as an actual friend with benefits.

Hmm yeah I mean it’s risky but a lot of things are.
I have no idea whether he’s seeing other people it’s just casual sex, as I’ve said I don’t want any more. just for him to be a bit more polite about the whole agreement and a bit more communication would be nice that’s all

Yeah, he’s not. But to be fair we’ve had sex 3 times and now it’s not working. I didn’t know he was going to be like this or I’d feel like this. Which is fine, I’ll just end it, learn from it and move on

From what she says, she just wants a more polite FB, one who doesn't just make her feel like a 'hole'.
But that's all she is to him, and it started off that she was happy to just treat him like a dick.
But now she wants more, and it's not forthcoming.
I think the majority of answers have given her the right guidance...it's up to her whether she takes it or not.

Yes exactly, way too impersonal and cold. Perhaps that’s fine for some people but not for me. I’ve learnt I need some connection and communication