AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

😁 Unlikely, though. I suspect such a man wouldn't be on mumsnet.

Basically where I am from the term fuck boy means a player. I personally wouldn't go near someone like that in a million years. Other people would.

Nor would I.

Women do though.

The biggest issue is in all of this is that you don't know this man. Having a drink in the pub and a few phone conversations doesn't mean anything very much. If you genuinely wanted to build a relationship with this man where he was going to become your friend so that you could have a FWB relationship how on earth was that going to happen in three meetings

If you really want a friends with benefits arrangement over very casual no strings sex you would be better seeing if any of your male friends would want this

You expect someone from a dating site that you hardly know to turn into a friend with benefits in that short timescale.

I know this

Fair enough. I think that you'd be better off trying to get input from men like your fb though.

Takes one to know one.

Having input from any bloke may not provide you with much insight.

Yes, I echo your thoughts.

Sex was on the agenda, and he told the OP exactly what she wanted to hear to make her comfortable.

Perhaps she should wait a while before doing the deed.

Many women have sex with someone they want to have a committed relationship with very quickly. Not all women wait months. Some maybe just one or two dates.
Regardless, really you could think you know someone and never really know them. I found out a lot about him in the many hours we spoke before our first meet and at the meet. But then again it could all have been bullshit to get me into bed.
Some women are married to men leading completely double lives they have no idea about.

I agree. As far as I'm concerned people can sleep with one another in five minutes but the speed of this hasn't helped

Yes, that’s a fair point, and I would definitely wait longer next time. As well as be completely clear about what I want from any situation

I agree.

Having said this, a man who is on the prowl for sex will say absolutely anything to make it happen.

Actions speak louder than meaningless phone calls and messages. Usually, men do this to prime, condition and discover more about you for their benefit.

That's right. But this hasn't worked for you. You got into bed very quickly with a man you hardly know because you thought you would be ok with casual sex and you found it was too casual. I personally don't care if people go to bed with one another after date one. But why would you expect flirting, chat with someone you hardly know? It takes more time to build an emotional connection than a sexual one

This will sound callous, but I'll say it:

Don't believe much of what a man says if you're planning to roll on the mattress with him.

Don't fall for the dream.

Oh - and it's very possible that someone could have a gf and you wouldn't know. I had a fling with a guy I went to school with about 15 years ago. He found me online and asked me to go to his. I said no several times because the idiot didn't actually tell me where he lived in his messages.

I slept with him a few times then I just thought something feels off. Because he was giving me all the chat about we should have done this years ago. I really like you blah blah.

So I thought I'll ask him to meet me for a drink and I knew he would cancel and he did. He worked long hours and I knew it wasn't that. I just thought. You've got a gf and six months later -he got married. She didn't live in my home town. No trace of her at his flat. I sacked it off as soon as I realised he was seeing someone

I'm not trying to suggest that every guy who is sleeping with someone casually has someone else long term that you don't know about -but some will.

And as soon as his marriage was over he messaged me again and I politely told him to gtf.

Yes, this is very common.

Sometimes, you have to assume they're being dishonest.

Many of my clients would say, "A new or unknown woman feels exciting to be with".

No idea why he bothered though. He was married young. Three kids. Had a couple of proper relationships after he got divorced. You don't need to go looking for someone to sleep with every few weeks if you have a gf/soon to be wife in the background. It's just completely dishonest and starts your entire marriage off on a lie.

Erasing someone from history six months before you marry them is really odd behaviour indeed. I assume he must have known if he had told me he had a gf I would have told him to fuck off.

I think that a lot of men just like new women don't they? Even if they're happy with the one they've got.

I'm not saying women can't be the same but nowhere near the same level if they're happy with the man they've got at home.

I think this is why I get annoyed with 'we are all just people, not two distinct sexes' guff.

It's bullocks.

It’s so transactional it’s not far off the nature of prostitution where an appointment is scheduled for sex and nothing occurs beyond that. You’re right.

Yeah, I mean I wasn’t expecting him to stay completely to just me. That would be ridiculous. Men are men and if they’ve got something casual going on but also get the offer of something else they’ll take it.
I expect he was sleeping with different women, hence why i insisted we used condoms, but yeah a secret gf/wife wouldn’t have been acceptable.

I don't know. I don't know why you would be arsed spending time messaging someone online for weeks asking them to come to your house (I could hardly go when I didn't know where he lived), if you've got someone else you see the rest of the weekend. Just seems like too much effort for me. I couldn't be bothered with it and I certainly wouldn't be bothered taking my fiancee on a flash holiday to the Dominican Republic and spend a small fortune on a wedding if Id been sleeping with someone else in the run up

That takes balls really. My friend had an affair with her 32 year old boss when she was 17 and he used to pay someone to drive her to flats so he could have sex with her. He had a wife and kid at home and his wife was pregnant again

When I tried to tell my mate she was being used she said he only slept with his wife once to get her pregnant the second time

If you did think he was sleeping with other women why did you think he would be more affectionate to you in time ? He could have a gf. He could have a wife. He could have neither. He could have FWBs or none. You have every right to ask if he was married or whether he was seeing other people.

Yes, he definitely had a roster of women to peruse. Men like this always do.

I dont think you are wrong at all. Your friends and he should treat you as such. The sexis a bonus

They aren't friends. They met three times

Where did I say I was expecting affection? I never expected anything more than sex and a little talking in between as I’ve said many times.