AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

You basically made a rod for your own back. You said you were happy to have casual sex then you got upset when it was too casual. This guy is not your friend. He could have been sleeping with five other women and you would never know. You can't ask for a connection for someone who doesn't want it just to make you feel better about no strings sex. He could have a gf for all you know. You know zero about him

But she also said she just wanted sex and that's what she got

It’s not that it’s casual. And you know it. It’s because it’s cold and transactional.

Of course you can have fun, warm, friendly sex without it leading somewhere. But that’s not what he’s offering. Probably because he’s a misogynistic prick.

But you said to this guy that's all you wanted. Casual sex. You can't expect to have casual sex and for someone to be invested in your life too. That might be fine if he was a friend to you. A real friend who cares about you. This is some random guy you met on a dating app who is probably sleeping with other women too.

You can't force a complete stranger to be your friend or be interested in your life.

No she didn’t. She said she wanted connection and sex.

You just want to stick the boot in because you don’t approve. I hope she’s ignoring you.

What do you mean I know it. Im not the person in this situation. She stated earlier in the thread that all she wanted was to get her needs met. She also seems to be concerned probably because of some of the nastier comments on here that if he doesn't do small talk it makes her look bad. They don't know one another. This is the biggest thing. They've met three times

Sorry what. Seriously. Just go away. If you think I'm being harsh on her you should read some of the comments that were deleted. I don't give a shiny shit. Its got nothing to do with whether I approve or not. Don't tell people how they feel or think. It's not a good look

I said I wanted to have casual sex, he agreed. I said I couldnt just have sex with someone I couldn’t get any connection with (basically trying to find out whether this guy wasn’t just some dull, boring prick because I absolutely couldn’t have sex with someone like that) we had a drink we chatted we got on, we also talk on the phone e appt prior (both text and phone call) I found him attractive (physically and personality wise) to have sex with him.

he also agreed he would like to meet up and get to know me before sex.

The phone calls, text and dare made me think it wouldn’t be the end of any form of communication apart form “are you free on whatever day”

I can ask for a connection with someone if that person also said they want a connection which he did.

My point is you aren't going to establish a connection with someone in three meets. You slept with him the second time you met yes. You didn't know him and he didn't know you. Surely connections take time

I wasn’t forcing him to be interested in my life, he seemed interested in me before we had sex.

we chatted in the phone for about 40mins had a date for about 2 hours and text a lot.

Of course connections take time. But you can establish an initial connection with someone, then that connection grows.
As I said I was trying to establish whether this guy was someone I found attractive not just looks wise to have sex with

Hi, it does sound like he is only after one thing, which I know you don't want anything more serious, but I would totally understand why you would want at the very least some conversation between meet ups! Are you two similar age? If he is younger maybe he is just immature? Do you live near each other? I was thinking maybe he has a partner/wife that he didn't mention and he only contacts you when she is going away?

Pretty sure he's done this to plenty other women. He's a player

Exactly this.
I seem to keep being told I’m wrong for expecting some very basic level of conversation.
I like to meet lots of people and chat with them that definitely doesn’t end with someone I’m having regular sex with but that also doesn’t mean I want a relationship just because I expect us to get on and be able to talk, flirt and bond like you say.
Not just lets fuck and be on our way. Me, personally I hate that

Yes, I understand that now it’s very clear unfortunately

We are a similar age, and yes we live near each other, but I would say far enough for him to possibly have some secret gf/wife, he’s not just just round the corner where I could find out

How old is he? We all know men don't mature as quick as us 🤣 Hmm so maybe he does have someone. Do you live in a city, or more rural where everyone tends to know each other? Might be worth doing some digging to see if you have any mutual acquaintances?

He’s 32, definitely not very mature I wouldn’t say.
we live in a city, so like I say it’s definitely possible he could be leading a double life. Not really worth doing any digging, I’ve blocked him now so that’s the end of it. Although I’m definately nosey enough that if someone happened to find out and tell me It would be an “ahh ok it all makes sense” moment

Well from what you've said I am proud of you for blocking him 👏 You are allowed to ask for the bare minimum of respect while still only having casual sex, so well done you!

There are loads of men who want exactly this. No commitment/ relationship but to go out together for drinks or a meal, chat regularly and have sex. If anything, I’d say that the majority of men on online dating would prefer this over anything else. And as a woman looking for fairly casual sex you have loads of choice and can set out exactly what you want.

I have had fwbs where we went for dinner, to concerts, on weekends away and talked about everything and were exclusive. But it wasn’t really a relationship in the traditional sense because it wasn’t progressing anywhere and we only saw each other every few weeks. I’ve had guys where we just had sex but chatted a lot in between. And arrangements in between those two.

I wouldn’t want casual sex with someone who didn’t talk in between and wouldn’t have a drink with me. It wouldn’t do anything for me. But if you’re not looking for a traditional relationship I do think you need to communicate clearly what you’re looking for.

I don't agree. Most of the men I encountered on dating sites were looking for long term and not FWB. Of course FWB suits some people better but plenty of people do want traditional relationships as it were.

I’ve had this exact arrangement with one man for more than five years now, but this is exactly what I asked for and he obliged. The only time we have pillow talk is during the refractory period in between rounds one and two and if I’m lucky round three! The only texting we do is to make arrangements for our next meeting and occasionally a little dirty talk leading up to the event. A month without any contact at all is normal for us.

If you didn’t define the relationship you really wanted in the beginning then that’s on you. Are you catching feelings and expecting more now? I agree with others that this isn’t FWB, it’s just casual sex.

Sounds like its sex without payment.

Sounds like you are missing the friends part. Were you friends first? Do you message him and he doesn't reply? You are both sorting a need you both have, but it's one sided. You need to connect on an emotional level to. Find someone else, someone who makes time for you

I don't think you have any deep understanding of female nature at all. In fact I think you know very little.

In my opinion, This 'fuckboy' here, as rude as he is, has more of a clue than you do.
In fact he's probably witnessed the dark side of female nature.
Women sleeping with him on their hen night.
I didn't do this. I didn't even have a hen night. But, yes, I've seen this happen when I've been on hen nights.
I've witnessed women going off to have sex with men within minutes of meeting them while their doting, dutiful, kind and decent, always listens to them, but boring husband is at home with the children.

Since she has revealed that he has given her an orgasm and the sex is mind-blowing it it patently obvious that she wants more now. Patently obvious.

This is how most women are.

And if they are not well so what that he's not texting every 5 seconds, the sex more than makes up for it.

I suspect that you're one of those men always ready to be the shoulder to cry on for your female friends but not really reading between the lines with a cynical ear.