AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

Because the Op is saying that she wants a connection

but has she made any inroads in that??

Can I ask you a personal question? Please don’t feel obliged to answer! Can you actually enjoy the sex with someone you barely know? I’ve thought about this a few times because FWB is tempting. Are some people just highly sexed and can enjoy it as a stand alone act? Or is that actually quite normal? I think I would need to at least chat with someone to feel aroused. Especially if it were with the same person repeatedly. Like surely there has to be a bit of banter or lead up?

No judgement, just curious.

I doubt he realises that you have a problem with this tbh because it’s supposed to be easy. If you tell him you want to send the occasional text as friends he might well be fine with it, I would ask. You’ve nothing to lose really, you won’t be able to keep this up if you feel sad so even if he ends it because you’ve asked then it’s not like it wasn’t coming anyway.

@TotaleclipseinFrance ,

‘You may very well do that doesn't mean you know anything about female nature, though.’

I mean I can’t empathise in the way another woman would. However, I am well read and do actually talk to women in an open way and listen to what they say.

‘Clearly while it is totally proper to treat men and women as individuals in some regards, there is no doubt that there are indeed significant differences between the sexes which nobody could deny.’

I wouldn’t try to deny that, although the intra sex variation is also significant, so some women act more like traditional men and some men act more like traditional women.

’The OP clearly feels used and this guy clearly is out for a quick shag and there are indeed men who aren't that fussy about who they shag. No disrespect to the OP meant here.’

But she doesn’t feel used because he only wants a sexual relationship. She wants the same thing. The only reason she feels used is that he can’t even be bothered with basic manners. She has repeatedly said that, and yet you try to put some stereotype on her and insist she wants a deep relationship! This is where you are totally failing to treat her as an individual.

Yes, I tried, then a week maybe two later some excuse, “lost my phone” “didn’t see the message”

Of course she hasn't. The man involved here wants a quick shag now and again. Nothing else.

(Men - in spite of one here telling us they aren't apparently like this - very much are indeed like this.

They literally stick their dicks into holes in walls.)

Seems to me that this is obvious and instead of accepting it, parking her ego, picking herself up and moving on she wants to overanalyze the heck out of it.

She needs to move on and stop going on about nonsense like 'connection' with a guy she's met a few times for sex.

I felt a bit sorry for her at first now it's just irritating.

Yes, absolutely, I can. I think this is part of the thrill for those who enjoy casual sex.

I remember the time I locked eyes with a really attractive guy in the gym, and I was certainly aroused. We kept making eye contact throughout our workouts.

He took me out for dinner on a few occasions, and we had amazing sex.

Ok so now you know

have you blocked him?

Do you miss it now long term married?

I enjoy the sex, yes. I have genuinely had a good time when I’ve been with him.

He knew what he was doing, said the right things at the time, made me orgasm. So it was good sex.

Oh, he definitely has a roster of other women.

Aha, he gave you the big "O".

In your case, it's a pity he isn't so enthusiastic anymore.

Whatever you call it, it’s not working for you so end it. He was honest by the sounds of it, so no issue there but if you are feeling used, it’s defo not working as an arrangement.

No, I don't miss it; however, remembering my lascivious adventures makes me laugh at the best of times.

Sex with DH far exceeds my casual adventures, and it feels different.

Not every man sticks their dicks into holes in walls. Of course there are men who enjoy casual sex and lots of it but why assume that every single man is out there having casual sex with anyone and everyone.

Love this - you were able to separate a transactional act between a spiritual, emotional and physical connection with your husband.

Presumably your husband was aware of your former profession?

For a lot of men in particular the chase was better than the catch.

When you’re an easy option who requires rather little by way of conversation or otherwise, why would anyone stick around?

For the man in this situation, this was just a means to an end for a temporary sexual encounter.

He never had any intention of pursuing the OP - he knew how to manipulate her better than she planned to manipulate the hook over to develop a connection.

Of course not, any lack of communication is not due to OP volition.

I'd describe this person as a fuck buddy (or playmate if you want to be more polite about it), rather than FWB. You need to find someone who has the same outlook and motivations as you, which can be tricky. Don't settle for a situation that you're not happy or comfortable with.

Totally agree. I've had close platonic male friends throughout my life where we were (and I'm not going to say 'only' or 'just' because it implies 'less') friends, one more like a brother than I can describe. It is antediluvian to think that this can't happen and treats men and women as 2 separate species, when we're not.

I'll say again @AdeptLilacHare you want something very different to what this guy has on offer and I think you need to reconsider the situation.

You missed that every few weeks he messages her for a shag @DestituteDesperate

hence my suggestion to block

No, I saw that, your suggestion was good but I suspect OP has no intention of blocking. She’s just far too readily available so losers like the ‘fuck boy’ can take advantage of the situation.

I was always told, don’t ever let someone ever tell you twice, or in this case, ignore you lol

You've just made up a story in your own head.

There is zero evidence, in anything she has said, that OP is somehow desirous of a deep and meaningful relationship with this guy - I mean, why would she be? From the way she has described him, he is a bit of a dick.

She just wants the sexual partner to be polite and friendly towards her, engage in a bit of normal interaction etc. She is hardly asking for the world!

But you are inexplicably portraying her as some kind of cunning manipulatrix, with dark designs to ensnare this guy ....

I think you have been watching too many films. His bunny is safe. She just wants him to be normally polite. As most guys are, in my experience.

You thought my suggestion to block was “good” but your response

Of course not, any lack of communication is not due to OP volition.

that doesn’t make sense

If that is all in my head, then yours is all in your head too.

The fact she’s extremely evasive when there’s at least two posters offering good advice is, by all accounts, very telling.

Because she hasn’t blocked him, that’s what I was implying.

So if there’s no communication it’s not because OP blocked him, it’s because ‘fuckboy’ is ignoring her until the next round of swapping bodily fluids.

Hope that clears that’s up.