AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

No he wouldn't. Stop being silly.

I hear you; however, you met the first time without having sex, and then the messages dropped off. You knew him well enough to sleep with him three times.

@Notsosweetcaroline ,

‘in my experience it is rare a woman can turn up. Fuck a man on demand,and walk away, no emotion. Yes some can, but it’s not the norm. Men can do this. It’s why prostitution is a thing.’

Reading some posts on here, I start to think that (some) women understand men even worst than most men understand women!

Even in the realm of paid sex, why do you think prostitutes offer more than 30 minutes? Hell, some even offer a full night. And, isn’t the ‘girlfriend’ experience something many men pay up for, including kissing etc?

Men aren’t dogs on heat (well, maybe a few are)! They mostly want some connection too, even in a FWB (or fuckbuddy) type relationship. Obviously what that connection is totally varies, but the OP’s partner does sound a very cold fish.

Aside from that, there are as many types of men as women. And, as most women rightly recognise, it’s not hard for a normal looking woman to get sex. Which means she gets a fair few men to choose from. So OP can find someone who meets her needs, whatever they are.

Yes, a hookup. That is exactly what it is, and the OP naively thought it was a little more than that.

The only one being silly is you.

How do you know I or others wouldn’t say he is. Rent boy being used for nothing more than his biological instrument.

Stop being so naive and patronising.

The OP stated she felt used because she doesn’t even get a ‘little’ information to know one another. She’s being USED for sex, he views her as an object that he doesn’t even have to pay for.

Except that's not what happened as you said yourself. You met him once for a drink and had a few phone calls and messenger chats and then slept with him. This connection seems very forced on your side. I'm not trying to be critical here but if you were only ever after casual sex and it's clear he is too -you can't force the same kind of emotions that would happen if you were in a committed relationship where you took your time getting to know someone before you slept with him.

The fact that he takes 40 minutes to sleep with you then leaves shows that he's not interested in an emotional connection in any way shape or form. If this was simply just about getting your needs met as you suggested earlier in the thread this kind of arrangement would suit you. It's not suiting you.

I absolutely won't refrain anything. I'm entitled to my opinion the same as you are to yours

Maybe spend some of your Sunday pondering your internalised misogyny.

@DestituteDesperate ,

‘Fuckboy’ is the term young women use for guys who literally just want sex, and it’s not a compliment! I rather like it. It is pay back for centuries of sexism.

Even those looking for something very short term want to be desired as more than just a hole.

I didn’t

Well, then I’m showing my age never knew that was the term!

Sorry should have said, I’m now going to refer to him as a fuck boy but honestly, this is a tale as old as time. How many women fall for the same trope, apparently the OP only wanted sex and when she got it, she herself said she was used.

As usual MN turn this into a sexism debate when completely ignoring we are giving our advice to the person who asked the question.

OP is being used and she admitted it.

I understand men very well. Male nature isn't intricate or complex.

Many men are dogs in heat. How many threads exist on Mumsnet about men cheating?

Well, you can't force something which isn't here. He's not very interested in the OP.

I think we need to realise that when people used to remark men are from Mars… there was a reason for that.

As I have said in one of my PP - I’ve rarely if ever met women that have enjoyed such an arrangement whereas, many men, not all but the vast majority, will clearly enjoy not having to forge a connection, conversation, emotional time and resources when the end result leads to sex for them.

The OP is easy access.

How come you understand men very well @BlueFahrenheit ? What makes you believe that about yourself?

You're right.

It is exactly a tale as old as time. Pleased I never fell for the tomfoolery and made a lot of money from it.

Tell the OP not to state she felt ‘used’ in her OP post then.

@BlueFahrenheit ,

You do realise that being a sex worker the men you saw weren’t a typical cross section ? I think that it has given you a very slanted view.

Oh I missed this! That is why @BlueFahrenheit is so incredibly confident about her insight in to men.

A certain type of man though - one that pays for sex.

I have a broad view and am very open-minded; however, I remain realistic about the facts presented.

The OP began this journey with an idealistic outlook and has understandably been disappointed by the outcome.

Being nosey here you’re either a sex therapist or a sex worker?

joking and you don’t have to answer.

I find it ironic that women on MN think women being real with the OP that she’s nothing more than an object are ‘sexist’ but they think it’s perfectly reasonable for men to fuck a woman and that’s it.

The entitlement of men to women’s bodies is OK then!

Yeah it was a forced connection on my part. I wanted a connection, he clearly didn’t. Although he originally stated he did want a connection when really he just wanted to seem like he did to get me into bed then have very little contact because he just wasn’t interested in anything else. I completely get what’s happened, but I can help his actions. Not can I change how it all happened it’s done, I’ve learnt, move on

he originally stated he did want a connection

Finally you have clarified this!!

Did you ask what he viewed “a connection” as being?