AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

It’s a lot if he isn’t interested in any form of relationship with you. It is not a price he is willing to pay. It’s that simple. He isn’t interested. If you’re offering up sex, he will turn up for that, and no more. It’s not about being old fashioned, it’s about wanting more than he is willing to give, he doesn’t wish involvement.

Yes, exactly.

They were never friends.

I may hazard a guess that the OP had hoped the casual sex would transpire into something else.

What is it about this site that people keep telling the OP what they mean and want?!

She has clearly said that she was happy with a purely sexual relationship with a little bit of manners and politeness around it. Why do people keep implying she is secretly after more?

A 40 minute session with zero follow up texts for weeks is pretty grim. Even my dentist says hello and chats a bit while they are examining my teeth!

Like most women do in these fwb/fb arrangements.
They can't handle it and I don't blame them.
Too confusing for most.

Better to stick to clear cut one night stands.

Then they get annoyed when the guy sticks to the arrangement, 'Why don't we become a couple wah!'.

Because he doesn't want that, nor did you. Only he hasn't changed his mind.

Yes, I echo your thoughts.

I've seen plenty of threads like this before.

The players may change; however, the game remains the same.

We cannot compare your dentist to a male on a dating app looking for casual sex.

I cannot see the correlation.

@BlueFahrenheit ,

‘We cannot compare your dentist to a male on a dating app looking for casual sex.’

I’m definitely keeping it casual with my dentist, not looking for any kind of emotional connection! And I think the feeling is mutual.

But, even within the confines of that purely commercial relationship, we still communicate as people and have decent manners.

Now, don’t you think the bar should be at least that high with someone you’re swapping body fluids with?!

A basic hookup is when someone comes over, you have a brief conversation, and you roll around on the mattress before they take their leave.

Evidently, he wants this, and the OP doesn't.

I don't know what they discussed; however, they clearly are not on the same page.

Exactly.
You might just as well pick up a bloke at the pub or the bus stop.
It sounds soul destroying to me.

I find it quite funny that @BlueFahrenheit , a married middle aged mother has basically spent the day, posting dozens upon dozens of posts, telling us how multiple young men behave, she’s privy to the direct messages they send on apps, how they behave in dates and hook up and knows all this about them as “a fact” 😆

Are your husband and kids curious about what you’ve been posting for the past however many hours @BlueFahrenheit ??

when you met up for drinks and a general chat @AdeptLilacHare for the first time did he basically say “I want just sex and the bare minimum chat?”

She's never said she wanted them to be a couple. Just have slightly more communication in between meetings. I know women who can more than handle no strings sex arrangements and who don't want anything else.

It does doesn’t it. They meet up for drinks. Agree on the plan. And then have 3x 40 min shag meet ups and the Op is basically pushed out the front door straight after.

Stop your petulance.

I find it quite peculiar that you are monitoring my activity on a forum.

What, where and when I post is truly none of your concern.

Monitoring your activity? I am just catching up on the thread and it is post after post of you telling us about how young men think and behave!

I am sharing my contribution to the thread.

You don't have to agree with or like my posts.

FWB is just a term but you are NOT friends because you dont sleep with friends.

Stop it not. It works for some but it depends what you are looking for. If he was to make conversation and get deeper that would be leading you on also.

Just block him and dont even explain to him. I dont think I could do it either as I would get attached.

Will people stop assuming I wanted anything more than a casual thing with this man. I didn’t, I wanted sex. Simple. Just wanted to have a little conversation in between so I didn’t feel exactly like an unpaid prostitute as many have put it, I came on here to ask other opinions who have been in similar situations as I’d never had casual sex with someone before.
Yes, I have admitted I’ve been naive, but I’d never done it before and did ask him to have a connection before having sex.

When met for the drinks - what did you exactly say you wanted? And him?

What about think they’re funny? Can I do that??

@AdeptLilacHare ,

Totally agree with you.

Just one question, though (if you’ve already answered, apologies). Did you ever text him afterwards to say ‘thanks for a great time’ or equivalent? Or do you feel that is the man’s role?

But, other than that, you tried it. You (unsurprisingly) didn’t like to be used as what MN likes to describe as a wank sock. And now you are going to move on and, hopefully, find what you want, whatever form that takes.

The great thing about uncommitted relationships (of any kind) is that they are incredibly easy to leave!

So he is your fuck buddy not a friend of any description. If it is not working for you drop him but do not expect anything more than a 'fancy a shag' type message off him.

A connection? What are you going on about?
What is this connection?

You don't have connections with casual sex partners. The entire point of them is that there is NO connection. None of that stuff that cool people claim not to want like genuine warmth, care and affection. its all a bit of fun, innit?

Do yourself a favour and don't do this again or stick to one night stands.

There's no ambiguity with those. Hit and quit.

Even if, statistically, it's more common for men than women to want sex with no social interaction (I haven't seen any research to prove this conclusively, but I am happy to accept it's true), I don't think the odds are overwhelmingly against OP in terms of finding what she is looking for.....

I'm currently active on dating apps and have matched with probably 50 guys in the last couple of months, who have been open to exactly the sort of thing OP seems to want - a FWB scenario that involves going out for drinks, meals etc, chatting, texting, and sex. But no exclusivity, and no long term commitment.

And I'm not stunningly good looking. I'm a fairly normal single mom in her late 40s.

So if I can attract tonnes of guys who want exactly this, why shouldn't she?

Yes, I have also matched with a fair few men (not quite as many) who openly wanted just sex, and didn't want to take me on dates or anything - so I said thanks but no thanks.

It doesn't really matter what "most men want" (if we could even know this, which we can't). All that matters is that there are plenty of men looking for what OP seems to want - so she won't find it hard to find one!