AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

Are you naive, or have you never seen men use these apps in action?

Yes I’m curious too @BlueFahrenheit

I’ve had this arrangement twice and I’d say both men were commutative with me between “ dates” There was some weekly messaging about life generally with an odd phone call thrown in. One of them probably wanted a bit more of a relationship and he would have met me anytime for a drink / food even if there was no sex happening.

Not sure why you need to get personal. Have you considered that your point of view isn't necessarily 100 per cent correct ?

I am going to guess @BlueFahrenheit is long married and all this “I know for a fact…” is nonsense talk

I'm not personally attacking you. I never said my point of view is 100% correct, either.

I have many male friends of all ages, and when they're logging into one of these dating apps, they're driven by lust. Once again, it doesn't apply to all men, but to a high majority.

So these many young men are all confiding in you @BlueFahrenheit ? A long term married mother who took early retirement

They don't have to confide in me when I see their behaviour 🤣. Dating apps, liking pictures on Twitter and Instagram, direct messaging women, etc.

Happily married now, with a wealth of experience in the casual scene.

And you follow all these young men on social media and on their dating profiles?

how many are we talking here for you “to know as a fact” ?

How on earth are you, @BlueFahrenheit , a married mother old enough to take early retirement know what multiple young men are messaging on dating apps?

You're being obtuse, dear.

Stop it.

This- and maybe it’s not for you and that’s fine. No judgement as other want exactly that- no strings sex without any chit chat but someone that can be trusted to not go beyond your boundaries physically.
But maybe you don’t want that…

Exactly this, as I’ve said before I don’t think it’s asking a lot

Absolutely, I agree.

It's great to explore and try these things. Now, OP knows she wants something a little fuller.

You're expecting this from a man you've slept with three times, and a man who has barely spoken a word to you after you've done the deed?

Okay 😅

That is literally fine, which is why I insist on using protection. I’m not asking to date this man or anything romantic whatsoever, just not be so damn cold and the arrangement be so transactional. A little conversation here and there to have more connection with the guy in fucking would be nice. But hey, maybe I’m old fashioned 🤷‍♀️

Yeah, a text. That’s it 🤷‍♀️ crazy I know

So, why did you sleep with him three times if he's so cold? You've seen what's on offer.

He's treating you in exactly the same way a punter treats a prostitute.

The only difference is he's not even paying.

I’ve said before, the communication has got less and less. I’d say the last two times I’ve had sex with him it’s almost been just an “are you free on this date” and I expected a little conversation after sex or a text.

Sorry, this doesn't make any sense.

He's progressively not messaging and making an effort in your eyes, yet you hoped he would send you some messages after having sex?

You're ultimately a hookup in his eyes, hence his behaviour. There's nothing else to it.

YANBU

He’s set it up with you as a FWB arrangement but it’s actually a fuck Buddy situation (emphasis on the fuck, not the buddy part!)

You tried it, it dwindled over 3 meetings into something you don’t want. Either speak to him about it if you think he would be open (he’d probably be like all the posters on here saying “well what did you expect from FWB?!” Erm, the friends bit!) Or you can move on and find someone who’s a better fit for you, having learned what you don’t want with this one.

FWIW I had a situation with a man I ‘met’ via dating apps, we ended up as Facebook friends when I came off the app without ever having met. Then when I was single once I messaged him and we went on a date. After that it was just me going to his house to ‘watch a film’ but actually knowing it was just sex. We would chat and hang out first, then have a cup of tea after and I’d go home. In between he’d send me photos from his travels and we’d ‘like’ each others posts online but no real chatting as such, until he’d message me to ask if I was free.

If it was very short notice I’d usually say no, even if I was free, as that did feel a bit like a booty call. If he’d thought ahead enough to plan for eg next weekend I’d say yes! That was my way of feeling like I wasn’t just scratching an itch, even though it was never going to be a relationship on either side (he was 10 years younger and travelled a lot so was rarely in the country).

Once I met a man I wanted a relationship with it stopped, no hard feelings either side and neither of us felt used, which is how it should be.

If there’s no contact, no chat, nothing but arranging and then having sex, it does sound very cold. It doesn’t take a lot to elevate it for me, so I wouldn’t be up for that.

Maybe his expectations were just different to yours? I had two FWBs before I was married and we used to have a bit of a laugh and a chat. We might watch a movie together, sometimes have lunch (always at my place with one, his house for the other), but never a date outside of the house. It was nice though because with both of them I (and he) knew it wasn’t going anywhere and it ended amicably.

@BlueFahrenheit ,

‘Older, established individuals may engage in these activities, but I know for a fact that younger ones don't. These days, some men don't even want to buy a woman a drink. Theatre? No chance.’

OK, I’m definitely not young any more, sadly, but I enjoyed that kind of thing when I was, too.

I am not talking about paying for sex, though (as you did earlier, as I think that is completely different). I am talking about consensual relationships (in the most general sense of the word).

Surely it depends if the young guy likes theatre (and can afford it, with the awful prices these days)?! Same goes for eating at a nice restaurant and having a nice

Or are you saying that young men would rather go to the theatre with a male friend and keep casual sex in a completely separate compartment?

This wasn’t friends with benefits. He never suggested such a thing. He suggested casual sex, which is very different. He isn’t her friend, he is a stranger who she met on an app, who once he met her decided he didn’t want a relationship or even fwb but said he’d be up for casual sex and she agreed, thinking he really meant a casual relationship