AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

Well yeah, I said I needed a connection, so we connected over an initial meet
up. So yeah I thought the connection would carry on but clearly my expectations were too high

But you say that the two of you spoke “a lot” and multiple times before you even met and during that first “date” to be very very clear about what you both wanted.

Are you saying he misled you? Or you misled him?

Why would you think the connection would carry on - given you say the pair of you had spoken loads of time to be clear about what you both wanted?!

I don’t understand why she would expect friendship given they both spoken extensively about what they wanted from the arrangement.

So he lied OP?

Sometimes I think people are a bit obtuse on here.

There is a massive spectrum from marriage through a committed relationship through a close friends with benefits to literal fuck buddies (maybe even without the buddies bit in OP’s case).

All OP said is that she is after is the odd text saying ‘thanks for a nice time’ or equivalent. Just the acknowledgment that they are both people and had a good time together: not friendship or more.

No, she is not being ‘used’ ,as it was always about the sex, and she enjoyed that part. But even sex has manners around it. Staying for a chat afterwards and sending a ‘hey, thanks, that was great, let’s do it again soon’ text doesn’t make it a committed relationship!

I don't believe they literally had sex without a few friendly words afterwards.

To be honest I don't even know what this 'committed' relationship shit is about.

To my mind, it's very simple : a MAN in a fwb, fuck buddy arrangement has NO romantic or emotional attraction to a woman.

A relationship involves a man having those things, and having a willingness to go public.

I've been in a few of the latter.
Doesn't mean that they were committed for life! Just that we were just boyfriend and girlfriend seeing how it went who had a strong romantic link.

Women use the words like committed and men go along with it because they don't want to face the fact that these men are effectively using them without giving a shit about their feelings.

As if a true male friend would exploit another person like this.

Some women do accept that and good for them but the mental gymnastics required for some women is too much so they convince themselves they're a couple without the fabled commitment.

It's bullshit.

But once he met you he changed his mind. Sometimes it doesn’t work in person. And that’s nothing to do with uou. And after the first time you should have realised he was clear no?

honestly don’t agree to casual sex with a man if you wish to be dating him. It will never be what you want and you will always get hurt.

Yeah. Can you imagine a woman being berated for changing her mind? 😁

We can all change our minds when we meet someone in person.

Indeed people are entitled to change their mind at any time.

I don't think he misled the OP; however, I think she expected friendship given the number of messages and calls they exchanged.

I don’t think he misled her per se. However, in their meeting, he probably came across as a different type of person than in the sex meetings. More warm and chatty.

i mean a 40 minute meeting is a bit grim, isn’t it, even if what you are mainly after is physical?

What most people would want even from a purely sexual encounter would be some chat and flirtation beforehand and a relaxed ‘cool down’ together afterwards.

I honestly don’t think OP is after a relationship. She just wants to be respected during and between some ‘fun’ encounters.

No, she is not being ‘used’ ,as it was always about the sex, and she enjoyed that part. But even sex has manners around it. Staying for a chat afterwards and sending a ‘hey, thanks, that was great, let’s do it again soon’ text doesn’t make it a committed relationship!

This. “Manners” is exactly the correct term.

OP, can you describe one of your liaisons? Is it arrive, drink, chat, sex, drink chat, leave etc or is it just arrive, sex, leave? The former is what I would expect, the latter sounds more like a gay man hook up?

You can't expect friendship from another adult.
That's not how it works.

This is not two, 4-year-olds in a playground saying 'will you be my friend?'.

No offence to the OP but she needs to get a grip on this.

She'll never be happy with men if she's going to believe everything they say.

He's not into her at all. She needs to get a flipping grip to be frank.

Who meets another adult and expects friendship from the start? It's barmy.

Yeah well that's life.
A man who you agree to have casual sexual experiences with is probably not going to wine and dine you.
They're not going to make any effort.

It's what you sign up for when you state you want a fwb arrangement. Or pretend to be all cool girl about it.

No proper dates, no meeting his mother, no plans for the future, no announcement that you're his girlfriend/partner, no big smiles from him when you wake up next to him.

Because if there were these things-spoiler alert ahead- he'd probably
want you to be his girlfriend.

If the OP isn't happy with that she should do what common sense dictates and stop seeing him.

I echo your thoughts.

Perhaps the OP is lonely?

I never expected friendship from my casual encounters, and I didn't want it either.

He likely has a roster of women he sleeps with, hence the sporadic messages.

Absolutely.

There's no need for him to make an effort. He met the OP, made her comfortable and sent some messages. In his eyes, that's enough.

Unless you're getting paid for your time or you understand what casual sex entails, don't agree to it.

@BlueFahrenheit and @TotaleclipseinFrance ,

I think you have a strange view of men!

Men aren’t as mono focused as you seem to think.

There are plenty of men who don’t want serious relationships but who would love a nice meal out, good conversation and also sex. It sounds like a wonderful evening to me.

Or someone to go to the theatre with, and then home to discuss it while sharing a nice bottle of wine in bed.

I guess that is more of a FWB scenario than fuck buddies, but I suspect most single men not after a relationship, for one reason or another , would prefer the latter.

I suspect a fair few of the wham bam thank you ma’am men (and women) are married or attached.

When I was younger, there was none of this fwb stuff. The word fwb did not exist.

You had one night stands (or multiple one night stands with same person) or gave it a go with somebody that you had a romantic/emotional interest in and they you.
There was none of this stuff about commitment, just two young people trying each other out.

It was far less complicated.

Now it seems women expect these guys to be actual friends.

Maybe if your social circle is extremely limited like you are stuck together in one village they are but it's not usually the case at all.

When I was younger, there was none of this fwb stuff. The word fwb did not exist.
You had one night stands (or multiple one night stands with same person) or gave it a go with somebody that you had a romantic/emotional interest in and they you.
There was none of this stuff about commitment, just two young people trying each other out.
It was far less complicated.

I agree. Not sure who developed all these complications

@TotaleclipseinFrance ,

‘When I was younger, there was none of this fwb stuff. The word fwb did not exist.
You had one night stands (or multiple one night stands with same person) or gave it a go with somebody that you had a romantic/emotional interest in and they you.
There was none of this stuff about commitment, just two young people trying each other out.

It was far less complicated.’

I kind of 75% agree here.

I remember things started out like that but, after the ‘try out’, they often carried on even after you both realised it had no future. It was what would now be called FWB but without the label.

I do think that, without the internet, people appreciated what they had more, and weren’t always looking to potentially upgrade or swap.

Older more mature people who are divorced perhaps. Then they're usually companions.

It's too bloody complicated for younger people.

You now know he wants unpaid sex and nothing more.

Judging by some of the comments on here, that will suit some women, but equally others would feel uncomfortable about it, and you fall into the latter category.

I think you need to find the right fit, and only do what feels right for you.

As a former escort, I'm being honest.

Many are highly focused on one thing: sex. Especially if you've met them on an app.

A man who is looking for a quick hookup isn't going to waste his time or money going to a theatre with you 😂.

Well, the dating pool is limited for specific individuals; therefore, they try to accommodate.

Strong agree with you OP!

And yes, most FWBs have more communication. Sounds like your guy was.prepared to make the effort when setting up the FWB but not any more. I'd expect a bit of chit chat, an interest in getting to know you better (and vice versa) because that would make the sex better for me. On the other hand sometimes it can open up things which give you the ick!
Would you be interested in starting a conversation and seeing how he responds? Maybe pick something you have been talking about when you meet. I presume you do talk when you meet!