AIBU to feel used in a friends with benefits arrangement?

[AdeptLilacHare]

I just wanted someone to shed some light on FWB situations. So, I’ve met this guy 3 times now just for sex, nothing more. But literally we just meet for sex, there’s texting up until and around the actual meet mainly just trying to find when we’re both free, who’s hosting etc. then we meet for sex then nothing. No text after, no casual conversation in between nothing at all. Then in about 2/3 weeks I’ll get a “when are you next free” text
I have to clarify I’ve never done this before I’ve always had relationships which is obviously completely different and I aware that I shouldn’t expect much more than casual sex which is fine. But, literally just sex and no actual chatting or hanging out in between is making me feel a little used. I’m unsure how to feel do I just accept this for what it is, what’s everyone’s experiences on similar situations? Am I just expecting too much for something that’s supposed to be casual?

This.

FWB are supposed to actually like each other, enjoy spending time with each other, and enjoy shagging each other without believing that there's any commitment.

This guy isn't your friend @AdeptLilacHare , isn't interested in you, doesn't want to get to know you or spend time with you. I don't know what the word/acronym is but it aint FWB. Is he amazing in bed and gives you incredible orgasms such that you can't wait for him to next be available? Cos I could see the point of that (Benefits Without Friendship BFW might be just right) but if he's not that great, I don't think this arrangement is benefitting you at all.

No, I didn’t have sex with him on the initial meet and was very honest with him beforehand saying I wouldn’t be able to have sex with him straight away

So you have met 4x
The first was a proper date where you chatted and had drinks, and yet more discussion about what you both wanted.

and then the next 3 were just that… sex?

But some friends with benefits relationships aren't like that at all. Fuck buddy and fwb can absolutely mean the same thing

Yes

I literally wanted to get to know him and have that connection… hence the chatting slot before having sex. Then since feeling comfortable enough to have sex and since meeting just for sex there’s been very little chatting or texting

He's not giving you what you want or need. Chalk it up to experience and move on

You’re mis-matched.
If it was me, I would end it.

Surely the OP did the sensible thing and had the first meet in a public place so that they could see each other in safety. It would be incredibly risky just to invite a man over for sex without doing this. Perfect opportunity for rapists, nutcases or even serial killers if you just invite someone over without meeting them in public first!

Why would meeting someone in public show that they weren't a lunatic. Give me strength. You don't know someone after 4 meet ups to know anything about them. My mum married someone who didn't smack her until their honeymoon. People can hide who they really are for a long time. Christ! You think that rapists aren't rapists if you meet them in the pub first? I got raped by an ex that I had known for 3 years before I started dating him.

Just putting it out there, but it might be possible for someone with ill-intent to pretend to be all nice during the public meeting and then go all weird and abusive the minute they’re in private. Almost like they’re manipulative, or something.

Thats not friends with benefits, its casual sex. Its not for me either, although I have happily had FWB situations before, I wouldnt enjoy sex with no friendship around it. Personally I need the conversation and closeness before and after. And I would still be happy with no contact in between and take no real interest in their life generally. But not some grinder type situation where you meet meet fuck and leave. To me that a bit icky, what you want is out there, this just isnt it.

Clearly, the OP was expecting friendship after the initial meeting.

They both knew what they were embarking on.

I call it "Fuck and leave".

Unclear how to vote, but basically YANBU not to enjoy this chilly, sexual arrangement.

Why are you 'blaming' him at all? 😅 He was clear about wanting casual sex.
It's what you're getting. Casual sex. A fuck. A hook up.
You want something different? Don't fuck him again, if it's not working for you.

Yes, I agree.

I don't understand what the OP is struggling with. Casual sex was discussed, and that's exactly what they had.

With the casual sex I used to have, I certainly didn't want them messaging me afterwards. It was sex, not an emotional entanglement.

Don't embark on casual adventures if you cannot handle the outcome.

I guess because I did explain I needed a connection with someone before having sex with someone, he said that was fine and we talked a lot on the phone and texting. Then met up and it was just casual chatting, which maybe lured me to think he also wanted a connection. Then once he got me in bed that was it, no chatting, no texting… just “when can we fuck” not literally but that’s how it felt

Casual sex for me in the past was exactly this: Casual. Sex.
I wasn't interested in social nineties after the event and the only reason we got in touch was to arrange a where and when.
That's not for everyone, which is cool; OP can find another set up better suited to her needs AND boundaries.

Yeah, but the thing is, he DID make the effort to connect with you BEFORE you had sex, which is what you said you needed.
He also made it very clear what he was about: CASUAL. SEX.
So, you weren't lured; you're not a passive victim in this. You're mismatched. End of.
HTH.

Do you honestly think he really cared?

You're very naive.

This is exactly my stance.

He met the OP for the first 'date' to build a connection, then used what was on offer.

Absolutely. This is the healthiest way to view casual sex.

I wasn't looking for company. It was sex. I wanted their bodies, not their hearts.

I don't understand how the OP feels she was used 🤷🏼‍♀️.

Everyone seems to be being quite mean to the OP, lecturing her on what's a friendship, what she should have known and so on, but I don't think she's done anything wrong, she did want a more casual arrangement but to fundamentally get on with someone, met, chatted, had sex, but the friendship side isn't growing, it's very transactional. It could have gone in a different direction and they would be hanging out together more as friends, but it didn't.

OP, this isn't for you, and it's fine that you tried it. No-one can predict how these things will go- there are people on here who met for a FWB situation and ended up getting married!

You live and learn, you were sensible to question this and ask if you were missing something, the main lesson here is to trust your own instinct- if something isn't right for you, just don't carry on with it. It's fine to assert your own boundaries.

I might sound 100 years old now but surely that’s just rude?! 🤣 Yes fine to hit it and quit it if that’s the agreement between both adults, but can’t they exchange a few words before and after?! I’m sure that even in casual arrangements there’s people who are nicer and people who are not as nice. I’m not talking about having a full three course dinner before or watching a three hour movie, just literally exchange a couple sentences 🤣🤣🤣

They have a brief chat before jumping into bed.

What else has to be said afterwards?

It's fucking. Not lovemaking.