AIBU to stop being the person my sister turns to when she needs money?

[PoisedSheep]

I feel quite conflicted about this because I love my sister. I don't want this to become one of those "I'm successful and my sister is a mess" posts, because that's not how I see her at all.

We're only 18 months apart and grew up in Gloucestershire in a very comfortable family. We went to good schools and universities, and our parents/grandparents supported us financially after university while we travelled. We were both extremely lucky. We both spent 2-3 years after university just travelling around the world, no jobs or anything, it was just covered by our family.
My sister was always the academic one. She was very bright, went to a more prestigious university and was much more driven than me. I was fairly average academically and went to Durham in the mid-2000s to study theology, largely because I wanted the university experience, social life and lacrosse. I came out with a 2:1, everyone was happy and I went travelling afterwards.We've never really competed with each other. In fact she's always been someone I've looked up to in certain ways and we've always had a close relationship.

Our lives have just turned out very differently.
I came back from travelling, got a job and gradually worked. I'm now in a reasonably senior role, DH has a good job and we're financially comfortable. We have two DC and we don't have to think particularly hard about whether we can afford everyday things. My sister has had a much harder time. She's been divorced twice and has recently had another relationship breakdown. She works, but isn't particularly well paid, hasn't bought a house and doesn't have much savings.Her children have also decided to live with their father full time. She still sees them but not nearly as much as she would like and I know that has absolutely devastated her.So I don't lack sympathy for her. I really don't. I know she's had a lot of things go wrong and I know that some of what she's dealing with isn't simply a case of "make better choices".The problem is that over the last few years I've gradually become the person who sorts out the money side of things.

It started with £500 here, £1,000 there. Then it became more frequent and larger amounts. In the last year I've lent her just under £20,000.I've never really chased her for repayment because, honestly I don't desperately need it back. I can afford to help her.She's now asked me for another £5,000.And I don't want to give it to her.That sounds horrible when I write it down because I can afford it. If I gave her £5k tomorrow my children wouldn't go without anything and our life wouldn't change.But I think something has changed.I'm no longer thinking, "My sister needs help and I can help her."I'm thinking, "Oh God, I'm being asked for money again."And I don't like that feeling.I don't want to start resenting her.
I've tried to help in ways other than just giving her money. I've suggested counselling because she's been through two divorces, another relationship breakdown and losing day to day contact with her children and I think she could probably do with some proper support.My parents have also offered her their bungalow near where we grew up. It's currently empty, so she could move there and dramatically reduce her living costs while she works things out.
She's said no.And I completely understand that it's her decision. I don't think she should have to live somewhere she doesn't want to live just because it's financially sensible.But I also think this is where my feelings become complicated.Because I can respect her right to make those choices while also deciding that I don't want to financially absorb the consequences of them.
And I don't know if that's selfish.Part of me thinks: I'm lucky, I have more than enough, she's my sister, why wouldn't I help her?If I had a sister who was genuinely struggling, surely I'd want to make her life a little easier.
But another part of me thinks that I'm starting to feel responsible for keeping her life afloat, and I don't want that responsibility.I don't want to become her emergency fund.I don't want to be checking what she's spent money on, questioning whether something was necessary, or getting irritated when she tells me she's struggling again. I don't want money to become this constant undercurrent in our relationship.And perhaps most importantly I don't want to get to the point where I secretly resent her while continuing to tell her yes because I feel guilty.That feels like it would be much worse for our relationship in the long run.

Growing up, she was the clever one. She was the person who was expected to achieve more academically and professionally. I was the less serious one who was better at sport and socialising and all I cared about back then was boys.
Now I'm the one with the money and she's the one asking me for it.
I don't think she is jealous of me. I don't think I'm better than her. But I do wonder whether there is something painful for both of us about that reversal and I don't want money to become part of how we see each other.
I also don't want to punish her for having a difficult life. That's what makes saying no so difficult.

I'm not thinking, "She made her bed, let her lie in it." I don't actually believe that. People get divorced. Relationships fail. People struggle financially. Children make choices that hurt their parents. Life can go badly even when you're a perfectly decent person. But I also think there has to be a point where helping someone stops being something you freely choose to do and starts becoming an expectation. My parents stopped lending her money some time ago. My brothers won't give her money either. So, increasingly, I'm the person she comes to because she knows I'll probably say yes. And I think I want to change that. Not because I don't love her. Actually probably because I do.
I want to be able to have a relationship with my sister where we talk, laugh, see each other and support each other without me constantly wondering when the next financial request is coming.

I'm considering telling her that I won't lend her any more money. I'm happy to help her think through options, help with practical things, listen to her and obviously be there for her emotionally. But I don't want to transfer another £5k.
I feel guilty even writing that because I know I have the means to help her.

Is this a reasonable boundary to put in place with someone I love, or if you have the means to make your sibling's life materially easier, do you have some sort of moral responsibility to do so? And if you've ever had to stop financially helping a close family member, how do you do it without making them feel that you're abandoning them?

Some of the responses are like short stories too. 😴

While you don’t need it or miss it, I wouldn’t keep doing it. 20K could have gone into savings accounts for your dc. She has zero need to sort her life out while you subsidise her. Just tell her you can’t afford it anymore

It’s 8 paragraphs - hardly War and Peace, @5MinuteArgument.

She’s just saying that her children is living beyond her means! Sister wants to live in Chelsea but her income is that of someone who can only afford Newcastle! The sister considers herself debt free despite owing the op £20,000 just for this year alone! And how much does she owe her parents and siblings and friends?!!!

I think her response will tell you a lot. Really, when presented with the facts, she should ultimately feel contrite and ashamed at how she's behaved.

She'll probably get angry in panic at first, but if she stays angry then you'll know she's just using you.

It’s so difficult because there are two schools of thought. Dh is the successful one out of his 3 siblings and they expect him to cough up for whoever needs it. On one hand dh feels it’s a privilege to be able to help; on the other hand I feel resentful when they waste money on ridiculous things and then turn to dh cap in hand. I don’t want to feel mean but it irritates me no end.

And the reason he’s successful? Because he worked hard, was careful with his money, etc.

They’re spongers.

I see some similarities between your relationship and the one I have with one of my sisters

She is divorced and has had 2 dysfunctional relationships since then and is in another - I'm not convinced by him but willing to give the benefit for now. I have been with my partner since i was 18, until recently we were both in good jobs. I'm now a SAHP whilst on a career break. We don't really have to give finances too much thought

I've lent her money three times £400 then £1000, then just under £10k. She has paid me back each time. The first two I left it up to pay me back when she was able and she did within a couple of months. I was still training at this point so wasn't on the best money but was in a better situation than her. The last time it was to avoid her accepting the same loan from the current man and I didn't want her tied any further to him. I offered to help and then we set down how it might work. I wanted a monthly standing order and it had to beneficial for both of us so I applied a small amount of interest. She said she would aim to pay it back within a year, I thought 2 was probably more realistic. We set the interest at 1.5% as had I put the money in a 2year fixed account this was the savings rate I would get. It was also considerably less than her getting a loan. She paid it back in 20 months.

She hasn't asked for anything since, she's mentioned credit cards to me but nothing massive and from what I can tell she has it in hand.

You might not need the money back but I wonder whether not asking for it back has been in your sister's best interest? Some times we have to ask whether we are helping the situation or contributing to it. I think in your situation, as I would if my sister was needing financial support again, would be sitting down with her and working out what and where the problems are and what can be done to help her out in a sustainable way.

That is what I was thinking. She has that plus earnings and still can’t make ends meet? No children to pay for either presumably. Why did the dc decide to live with ex, what else is going on ?