AIBU to stop being the person my sister turns to when she needs money?

[PoisedSheep]

I feel quite conflicted about this because I love my sister. I don't want this to become one of those "I'm successful and my sister is a mess" posts, because that's not how I see her at all.

We're only 18 months apart and grew up in Gloucestershire in a very comfortable family. We went to good schools and universities, and our parents/grandparents supported us financially after university while we travelled. We were both extremely lucky. We both spent 2-3 years after university just travelling around the world, no jobs or anything, it was just covered by our family.
My sister was always the academic one. She was very bright, went to a more prestigious university and was much more driven than me. I was fairly average academically and went to Durham in the mid-2000s to study theology, largely because I wanted the university experience, social life and lacrosse. I came out with a 2:1, everyone was happy and I went travelling afterwards.We've never really competed with each other. In fact she's always been someone I've looked up to in certain ways and we've always had a close relationship.

Our lives have just turned out very differently.
I came back from travelling, got a job and gradually worked. I'm now in a reasonably senior role, DH has a good job and we're financially comfortable. We have two DC and we don't have to think particularly hard about whether we can afford everyday things. My sister has had a much harder time. She's been divorced twice and has recently had another relationship breakdown. She works, but isn't particularly well paid, hasn't bought a house and doesn't have much savings.Her children have also decided to live with their father full time. She still sees them but not nearly as much as she would like and I know that has absolutely devastated her.So I don't lack sympathy for her. I really don't. I know she's had a lot of things go wrong and I know that some of what she's dealing with isn't simply a case of "make better choices".The problem is that over the last few years I've gradually become the person who sorts out the money side of things.

It started with £500 here, £1,000 there. Then it became more frequent and larger amounts. In the last year I've lent her just under £20,000.I've never really chased her for repayment because, honestly I don't desperately need it back. I can afford to help her.She's now asked me for another £5,000.And I don't want to give it to her.That sounds horrible when I write it down because I can afford it. If I gave her £5k tomorrow my children wouldn't go without anything and our life wouldn't change.But I think something has changed.I'm no longer thinking, "My sister needs help and I can help her."I'm thinking, "Oh God, I'm being asked for money again."And I don't like that feeling.I don't want to start resenting her.
I've tried to help in ways other than just giving her money. I've suggested counselling because she's been through two divorces, another relationship breakdown and losing day to day contact with her children and I think she could probably do with some proper support.My parents have also offered her their bungalow near where we grew up. It's currently empty, so she could move there and dramatically reduce her living costs while she works things out.
She's said no.And I completely understand that it's her decision. I don't think she should have to live somewhere she doesn't want to live just because it's financially sensible.But I also think this is where my feelings become complicated.Because I can respect her right to make those choices while also deciding that I don't want to financially absorb the consequences of them.
And I don't know if that's selfish.Part of me thinks: I'm lucky, I have more than enough, she's my sister, why wouldn't I help her?If I had a sister who was genuinely struggling, surely I'd want to make her life a little easier.
But another part of me thinks that I'm starting to feel responsible for keeping her life afloat, and I don't want that responsibility.I don't want to become her emergency fund.I don't want to be checking what she's spent money on, questioning whether something was necessary, or getting irritated when she tells me she's struggling again. I don't want money to become this constant undercurrent in our relationship.And perhaps most importantly I don't want to get to the point where I secretly resent her while continuing to tell her yes because I feel guilty.That feels like it would be much worse for our relationship in the long run.

Growing up, she was the clever one. She was the person who was expected to achieve more academically and professionally. I was the less serious one who was better at sport and socialising and all I cared about back then was boys.
Now I'm the one with the money and she's the one asking me for it.
I don't think she is jealous of me. I don't think I'm better than her. But I do wonder whether there is something painful for both of us about that reversal and I don't want money to become part of how we see each other.
I also don't want to punish her for having a difficult life. That's what makes saying no so difficult.

I'm not thinking, "She made her bed, let her lie in it." I don't actually believe that. People get divorced. Relationships fail. People struggle financially. Children make choices that hurt their parents. Life can go badly even when you're a perfectly decent person. But I also think there has to be a point where helping someone stops being something you freely choose to do and starts becoming an expectation. My parents stopped lending her money some time ago. My brothers won't give her money either. So, increasingly, I'm the person she comes to because she knows I'll probably say yes. And I think I want to change that. Not because I don't love her. Actually probably because I do.
I want to be able to have a relationship with my sister where we talk, laugh, see each other and support each other without me constantly wondering when the next financial request is coming.

I'm considering telling her that I won't lend her any more money. I'm happy to help her think through options, help with practical things, listen to her and obviously be there for her emotionally. But I don't want to transfer another £5k.
I feel guilty even writing that because I know I have the means to help her.

Is this a reasonable boundary to put in place with someone I love, or if you have the means to make your sibling's life materially easier, do you have some sort of moral responsibility to do so? And if you've ever had to stop financially helping a close family member, how do you do it without making them feel that you're abandoning them?

I have depression so I do understand buying nice things to try to cheer myself up, @PoisedSheep, but it doesn’t work. Short term there’s a dopamine hit, but it doesn’t fix anything in the long term.

Does your sister acknowledge how much you have lent her? Has she ever repaid anything, or even tried to?

I think it would be entirely reasonable of you to say you can’t lend her any more money. Sadly I also think you won’t be getting back most of the money you’ve already given her.

You are fuelling and enabling her behaviour.

She has to sort herself out going forward and subbing her lifestyle isn’t helping her.
Please don’t lend/ give her anymore money you aren’t doing her any favours.
Be kind but firm, the bank of ‘kind sister’ is now closed.

Defo not unreasonable, can’t your parents help her? Did she tell you what the £5k is for?

I couldn’t imagine asking someone to give/lend me money to just do something ‘nice’

The reason other family members have stopped giving her money is because they see it stems from some kind of pathological issue. The debt, trying to spend your way to happiness. All attempts at quick fixes. The harder road, taking the bungalow and making a change in her life, is rejected. Family can see she is not ready to make different choices yet and have stepped back. You should too.

Don't know whether others have said this as well, but the median annual salary for full time workers in 2025 was just under 40k (https://www.sage.com/en-gb/blog/average-salary-uk/). You gave your sister nearly half of that in the past 8 months.

It's really lovely of you, but how sustainable is this? Wouldn't she have to declare this as a gift for tax? In the Netherlands, she would have to pay taxes on gifts this large.

I mean, some groceries here and there and picking up the tab when you go out for dinner would be reasonable, but nearly 50% of the median salary?

You’re enabling her poor life choices by giving her money. You have to be cruel to be kind and leave her to resolve the issues she has with money herself, instead of having money on tap whenever she needs it.

Ok as everyone says you are enabling not helping her, I have no idea why you feel so guilty that you end up just dishing out the money so I would suggest you get some help in working that out otherwise you are just going to keep going. You're not going to listen to strangers on the internet when she's guilt tripping you really!

Important questions:
Does she ever pay you back?
And what is the money actually going on?? You must be absolutely loaded if you can give £20 grand away without thinking about it! What on earth did she need that much money for?!!

What do you mean by "I don't think she should have to live somewhere she doesn't want to live just because it's financially sensible."
That's what 99% of the people do !!! We all live at places we can afford ... You are both entitled and out of touch !!

@PoisedSheep I think the expression you're looking for is "you have to be cruel to be kind".

Your sister needs to learn to live within her means.

£20,000 is more than some people earn in an entire year, and yet she has been given this on top of her own earnings.

You clearly feel bad that she has been through tough times, but three failed relationships is usually down to the person and the choices they are making.

Your sister needs to take a long hard look at her lifestyle choices and start making some positive changes. A better paid job. Or a cheaper property to rent.

Your money helps her to buy nice things which make her feel better

That is almost angering to me, after reading your original
post.

She has no incentive to help herself because you are enabling her not to.

Just because you can afford to give away £20k+ without expecting it back, that doesn’t mean someone else is entitled to that money. If you continue down this road, your sister will become more and more entitled, and resent you even more for cutting her off.

Put a stop to it now. That doesn’t mean you can’t help her with truly necessary expenses. But buying things to make herself feel better? Absolutely not. She isn’t fixing the problem and she has no need to.

I’m curious as to what your DH, your parents and brothers think about this? Assuming they all know.

Perhaps instead of giving her money, you could set some aside for her kids. Or even put some away to help her with a house deposit or something, that you only give her if she gets her act together.

I think you have been so very generous and an incredible sister to her, she’s lucky to have you. But she needs a different kind of help.

I havent read the while thread but you were ok being supported by family and arent willing to pay it forward? Just because your sister was supposed to be the clever one and you weren't?

OP, you're not her EMERGENCY fund, you're her everyday fund. The expectation that you will constantly support her has become too comfortable for your sis. She's not going to like it when you say no. So, the sooner the better to cease this easy cash flow for her. Think we'd all like 20K without needing to work or budget for it!
Good luck

She needs to start living within her means, not expecting handouts.

She has paid it forward to the tune of £20k this year alone. Read the OP, even if you can’t be bothered to RTFT.

You sound like a lovely sister and it's obvious you really care about your sister's well being. But as other PP have said, it's not being kind to her to continue supplying her with money for whatever. If it were me, I'd rewrite what you've put in your original post and send it to her as an email, asking her what she thinks would help her get out of this routine. You might find a recent Money Box programme on this very topic useful: https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m00316z1

Sounds like she is taking advantage of you op x

What was her reaction to your parents and your sibling not giving her any more money? And has it affected her relationship with them?

Why are so many OP comments so long? Who's got time to read all that? Why can't the OP summarise it? Or has it just been spewed out by AI?

She hasn’t paid the debt off, she now owes you and not the bank!

’Another 5k’ and for ‘nice things’. Stop being a mug. The rest the family have got wise, and you need to as well. You’re really not helping her. She’s so used to going to the bank of sister , that she not standing on her own two feet. She’s diesn’t need the money she’s just used to sponging off everyone else.

So you stole 25K from your children's future to help her? Do you have a guarantee that your children won't need these 25K in the future? Like a iron-clad guarantee? How do you know????? Yes, you said your children are not lacking anything now, but how do you know what tomorrow will bring? Every time I have lent money (not in the amounts you write about) and it was not repaid, I thought - I stole this money from my dc. I can't think about it in any other way.

When I read your first thread, poised, I was asking myself, was it gambling? Other addiction? Mental health problem? Especially as the other things that have gone on in her life hint of something really wrong somewhere. Then I saw the later post where you mention depression. I think she needs help, but not funding her dysfunctional ways of dealing with how she feels. I would stop giving the money. In terms of supporting her in other ways, its difficult to say without more specifics and it sounds as if the offer of a free place to live is designed to do exactly that. Has she got any insight into her spending and ways of coping that she is willing to share with you so you can work something out together?

@HollyhocksandPeons You're being v. dramatic! Nothing's been stolen, the OP's children have no guarantee of any future money, it could all be swallowed up by care fees, for example.

The OP has done what she thought was right for her sister, now she's stopping the financial support. Her children are and will be fine.

That’s a lot of money over the years. Do you not think perhaps you are enabling her to avoid being more financially responsible? I fear she sees you as the Bank of Sister and has got used to leaning on you whenever she needs a handout. In you shoes I’d be stopping with giving her money (let’s face it, you’re not loaning it to her as she never pays you back) and telling her firmly that it’s time she sorted herself out.

I do wonder what she is spending all this money on - she presumably has somewhere to live which will cost her something but she is earning … has no children. Does she have any extravagant lifestyle? Whatever it is that’s going on, I think you need to stop enabling it.

And much as you might resist it, isn’t the money you’ve given to her cash that could have been saved up, earned some interest, been put side for your children?

Yes, but it's not an average university.

@PoisedSheep If you take away nothing else from this thread, please read back and think about this comment you made about you justifying her bizarre refusal to live rent-free in a house owned by your parents.