AIBU to stop being the person my sister turns to when she needs money?

[PoisedSheep]

I feel quite conflicted about this because I love my sister. I don't want this to become one of those "I'm successful and my sister is a mess" posts, because that's not how I see her at all.

We're only 18 months apart and grew up in Gloucestershire in a very comfortable family. We went to good schools and universities, and our parents/grandparents supported us financially after university while we travelled. We were both extremely lucky. We both spent 2-3 years after university just travelling around the world, no jobs or anything, it was just covered by our family.
My sister was always the academic one. She was very bright, went to a more prestigious university and was much more driven than me. I was fairly average academically and went to Durham in the mid-2000s to study theology, largely because I wanted the university experience, social life and lacrosse. I came out with a 2:1, everyone was happy and I went travelling afterwards.We've never really competed with each other. In fact she's always been someone I've looked up to in certain ways and we've always had a close relationship.

Our lives have just turned out very differently.
I came back from travelling, got a job and gradually worked. I'm now in a reasonably senior role, DH has a good job and we're financially comfortable. We have two DC and we don't have to think particularly hard about whether we can afford everyday things. My sister has had a much harder time. She's been divorced twice and has recently had another relationship breakdown. She works, but isn't particularly well paid, hasn't bought a house and doesn't have much savings.Her children have also decided to live with their father full time. She still sees them but not nearly as much as she would like and I know that has absolutely devastated her.So I don't lack sympathy for her. I really don't. I know she's had a lot of things go wrong and I know that some of what she's dealing with isn't simply a case of "make better choices".The problem is that over the last few years I've gradually become the person who sorts out the money side of things.

It started with £500 here, £1,000 there. Then it became more frequent and larger amounts. In the last year I've lent her just under £20,000.I've never really chased her for repayment because, honestly I don't desperately need it back. I can afford to help her.She's now asked me for another £5,000.And I don't want to give it to her.That sounds horrible when I write it down because I can afford it. If I gave her £5k tomorrow my children wouldn't go without anything and our life wouldn't change.But I think something has changed.I'm no longer thinking, "My sister needs help and I can help her."I'm thinking, "Oh God, I'm being asked for money again."And I don't like that feeling.I don't want to start resenting her.
I've tried to help in ways other than just giving her money. I've suggested counselling because she's been through two divorces, another relationship breakdown and losing day to day contact with her children and I think she could probably do with some proper support.My parents have also offered her their bungalow near where we grew up. It's currently empty, so she could move there and dramatically reduce her living costs while she works things out.
She's said no.And I completely understand that it's her decision. I don't think she should have to live somewhere she doesn't want to live just because it's financially sensible.But I also think this is where my feelings become complicated.Because I can respect her right to make those choices while also deciding that I don't want to financially absorb the consequences of them.
And I don't know if that's selfish.Part of me thinks: I'm lucky, I have more than enough, she's my sister, why wouldn't I help her?If I had a sister who was genuinely struggling, surely I'd want to make her life a little easier.
But another part of me thinks that I'm starting to feel responsible for keeping her life afloat, and I don't want that responsibility.I don't want to become her emergency fund.I don't want to be checking what she's spent money on, questioning whether something was necessary, or getting irritated when she tells me she's struggling again. I don't want money to become this constant undercurrent in our relationship.And perhaps most importantly I don't want to get to the point where I secretly resent her while continuing to tell her yes because I feel guilty.That feels like it would be much worse for our relationship in the long run.

Growing up, she was the clever one. She was the person who was expected to achieve more academically and professionally. I was the less serious one who was better at sport and socialising and all I cared about back then was boys.
Now I'm the one with the money and she's the one asking me for it.
I don't think she is jealous of me. I don't think I'm better than her. But I do wonder whether there is something painful for both of us about that reversal and I don't want money to become part of how we see each other.
I also don't want to punish her for having a difficult life. That's what makes saying no so difficult.

I'm not thinking, "She made her bed, let her lie in it." I don't actually believe that. People get divorced. Relationships fail. People struggle financially. Children make choices that hurt their parents. Life can go badly even when you're a perfectly decent person. But I also think there has to be a point where helping someone stops being something you freely choose to do and starts becoming an expectation. My parents stopped lending her money some time ago. My brothers won't give her money either. So, increasingly, I'm the person she comes to because she knows I'll probably say yes. And I think I want to change that. Not because I don't love her. Actually probably because I do.
I want to be able to have a relationship with my sister where we talk, laugh, see each other and support each other without me constantly wondering when the next financial request is coming.

I'm considering telling her that I won't lend her any more money. I'm happy to help her think through options, help with practical things, listen to her and obviously be there for her emotionally. But I don't want to transfer another £5k.
I feel guilty even writing that because I know I have the means to help her.

Is this a reasonable boundary to put in place with someone I love, or if you have the means to make your sibling's life materially easier, do you have some sort of moral responsibility to do so? And if you've ever had to stop financially helping a close family member, how do you do it without making them feel that you're abandoning them?

£20k in the last year?? I wouldn’t even entertain the idea of giving her more tbh.

I agree. Maybe not even as much as £5k for a final payment. Decide on an amount and tell her this is a gift but the absolutely last time you are giving her money. It will destroy your relationship if she is constantly indebted and you are questioning (even subconsciously) decisions she's making.

Absolutely not.you have helped enough .Tell her you can no longer continue in this way and help her to get money advice . You have to be cruel to be kind .

I think you phrased it really well when you said, "I can respect her right to make those choices while also deciding that I don't want to financially absorb the consequences of them."

You can be a supportive and loving sister without being responsible for her finances. Continually bailing her out when she has a job and is capable of working isn't helping her. It puts you in the role of parent. Offer to help her budget, be a friendly ear or shoulder to cry on, but tell her that things can't go on this way (financially).

£20k in just over 6 months and no she wants another £5k? Even if you can afford it now, can you afford to bankroll her for the next 20 to 30 years (or longer?)

You are enabling her behaviour by constantly baling her out and this is absolutely not helping her. You can love someone and support them emotionally and spend time with them to show you care without you giving them money. You have to say no.

The fact that she has turned down a free house is crazy. This would really help her get her life back on track. You can only help people so much.

In the last year I've lent her just under £20,000.

OP I lost my job and had to rely on UC until I was able to find a new one.

I had my rent paid but then had £700 per month for me and my DC to live on - for CT, water, electric, food, clothes, transport etc
Thats less than £12k a year.

Your sister is on her own and needs to borrow £20k ON TOP of her wages.
(and now £5k more)

£20 here and there is one thing but she’s asking for thousands!!

I’d assume she is spending the money on drugs, gambling or perhaps giving it to men in some sense.

Stop saying "lending"! Lending us where someone pays you back. She doesn't and you don't expect her to. You are just giving and she is just taking. Everyone else says no, so can you!

If I gave her £5k tomorrow my children wouldn't go without anything

Wrong Wrong Wrong! Unless you have millions to spare that is money you could be putting aside for your kids to avoid student debt, or have as house deposits. There is rarely such thing as spare money. And she's not even using it for worthwhile things just splurging on luxuries because she's depressed. Let me guess, she's still depressed so it didn't even work!

I get what you are saying @CleanSkin, and it's a kind approach that I think it would work if the sums weren't so large and so ongoing.
It would mean OP saying she won't give her any more money whilst giving her another £5k - I don't think it would do more than buying a bit more time before the next request.

@PoisedSheep You say that your parents and your brother have all stopped giving her money and that you are now the only person that does.
Why is that?

You don't have to compensate someone because you have worked hard to have a successful life. Your sister has the opportunity (that many don't get) to move into a rent free house courtesy of your parents which would substantially help her improve her solvency. But its a completely lame excuse to then say I don't want to live there but I do want you to pay off my debts and give me another £5k for life's luxuries.

I hate to say this but every pound you give her is a pound taken away from your children... their future house deposit, or wedding, or medical needs and your own retirement or emergency savings. You are doing well now but your fighting fund has been mightily depleted if either your or Dh lose their jobs or god forbid have a serious issue of some kind.

You are not responsible for your sister's predicament, but she is making YOU entirely responsible for the supposed cure.. and that is not right. More money isn't really going to help her. You mentioned the kind of sisterly relationship ideal that you would love to have with her. That will NEVER happen until she sorts herself out. Why do you feel so guilty when you are paying through the nose everytime she sticks her hand out.

I actually think and hope it doesn't offend that you would get some benefit from speaking to a counsellor about this and how to deal with the situation. Clearly there's many ways you could support her and have done, without paying over such large sums... £25 tax free in six months if you give in to the latest demand. On top of her salary? That's a lot of money for a single person in employment. ( It does sound like there's an underlying addiction there, whether its drugs, or shopping or something)

You said " I also don't want to punish her for having a difficult life. That's what makes saying no so difficult."
Think carefully about where the idea came from that you personally, her kind and loving sister who gives her large sums of money to help her out of debt, is literally punishing her, because she has had a difficult life. Why do you think that You are punishing her if you don't give her the money.
It's understandable that people can have difficult lives through no fault of their own, but that is also through no fault of yours. The current scenario comes across as "If you don't give me the luxuries I crave, you are punishing me." Is that what you think or the vibe you are getting from her? Luxuries are so ephemeral, meaningless. It would be different if she was asking for funds to take on a new course that would improve her employment income. There is a quote about giving someone a fish feeds them for a day, teaching them to fish feeds them for life... and I would equate this demand for luxuries with that. Luxuries will only solve her insecurities for a very short time before they surge back again.

You CANNOT change or fix her "difficult life" only she can do that. What she's doing at the moment is guilt tripping and draining, the one person who wants to help her, dry with incessant demands and I think her asks in the last six months qualify for that, but you said you'd helped her continuously over the years.

Also.. in terms of difficult, you've said she had a very very good start in life, an engaged family and parents, a good education, she's married and had children, although in later life things have not worked out, she's still employed and still has family around, and she is exceptionally lucky to have you. You didn't mention a serious health condition so I'm not sure I would describe that as the most difficult life that a person could have that would warrant her constant quest for you to give her hand outs.
It's being spoken about in terms of a great tragedy that she had so much promise and now she's got an ordinary job and is paid less than you. Is that really such a colossal trajedy? She's had a really good life in parts, its something many people have to deal with it and they just get on with it, without constantly bewailing the past and guilt tripping their relatives.
Rather than luxuries.. maybe she could also do with some therapy to help her tackle her demons and rebuild her relationship with her children.
I hope you can resolve this amicably. Perhaps speak to your parent's and brother about the situation. You sound like a very kind, loving person but I think your current situation with your sister needs a rethink.

I think this is spot on. It holds the boundary, it is kind and it is pragmatic. Really great advice @HelpfulHelena ❤️

You both lived a very fortunate and privileged life, but you grew up and she didn’t. It’s time for her to stop expecting everyone else to look after her, and it is ok to tell her you can’t finance her anymore

I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I lost all sympathy with your sister when she openly said she was borrowing money from you just to buy herself nice things to cheer herself up. There are many, many people who have much less than she does and have to make do without the nice things they might like to have. She works, she's been offered much cheaper accommodation which she turned down and I'm guessing her ex is paying the expenses for the DC who now live with him. Yes, life has not turned out as she must have hoped, but she still needs to get a grip and start sorting herself out. She will never face up to the necessity of doing that if she can simply turn to you and ask for money. You said she is intelligent and well-educated. The best and kindest thing you can do for her is not to give her yet more money, but help her to use that intelligence and education to reshape her life.

She's taking the piss out of you

YABU here .You are kind hearted but DS is taking advantage of you. 20k is a decent amount for DC as they go to Uni or need help as they get older. Say you need your money and dont apologise .Your parents bungalow would be a good place to start!

To be honest, she sounds as though she’s spending to make herself feel better. I suffered with depression for years and I used to do this, a quick short term fix for a much bigger problem. I came out of it in the end but only after a lot of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and some pretty strict budgeting help.

my advice would be not to suddenly cut her off financially, but tell her that you going to have to set a limit on how much you are prepared to give her (because let’s face it, you aren’t going to get it back) and she must look into some sort of counselling and demonstrating that she’s at least willing to learn some money management skills or get someone to help her manage her money better. If she says no, or says yes and then doesn’t do it, then she’s had fair warning. It’s harsh, but sometimes it’s needed.

£20k is a part time salary! And it’s not a whole year either! I’m sorry but she has made her own choices including staying where she is VS reducing her living costs. It’s hard to see someone struggle but she has to help herself - reduce her outgoings, counselling, and finding stability for her kids. You sending £5k for her to blow is not going to help!

"Because I can respect her right to make those choices while also deciding that I don't want to financially absorb the consequences of them."

This. Tell her that. And as you say, you may well be happy to pay for things that help her move forward e.g. education, moving costs to the bungalow so she can save, counselling etc. but you can't see an end to the act of just giving her cash.

You do have the option of gently explaining that until she repays the money she already owes (and stress there is no deadline), you and your family cannot justify increasing that debt further as you have your own expenses and savings to think about. Your own situation could change drastically for all you know.

Best of luck

Had it been tiny amounts or irregularly I’d have had a different answer but no, sorry, she needs to figure life out. 5000 is a one off everything’s falling apart request, or maybe if she’d only asked for help to get her divorce, but all those amounts mean she doesn’t plan at all, just constantly gets money from you instead

It’s quite telling that your parents and brother have stopped “lending” her money. I wonder why?

She should move to the bungalow. Sounds like she wants a certain lifestyle with you paying for it.

This is absolute insanity. She's taking you for a fool and you are letting her.

You both had a good upbringing, except you worked as an adult and didn't expect handouts. She's taking the piss. £20k is a huge amount of money that could make a big difference to the life of your kids in the future (even if you don't 'need' it).

Shopping, gambling, drugs ?
She is addicted to something and you sre st some point enabling not helping. You sound kind . Boundaries are important

She is taking massive advantage of you op. And you're letting her.

If you don’t draw the line now it will kill your relationship, if it hasn’t already.

Frankly she needs to take the bungalow and make a payment plan to pay you back. Even if it’s long term. Does she have no pride?

someone needs to give her a bit of a kind but harsh reality check. Sadly sounds like she’s coasted for too long now. Interested to know why her relationships haven’t worked out.

@PoisedSheep
I read it as though you'd given her £20k over a year but you've actually given her £20k over the past 7 months and now she wants another's £5k 😵‍💫

I'd be saying absolutely not, remind her how much she's had off you, surely any sane person wouldn't think this was sustainable.

"Sorry sis but over the past 7 months I've given you £20k, you'll understand that I can't keep this up, I've got my own family to think about so I'm going to have to say no to another £5k. Going forward please don't ask me for any more money, I cant help any further"

Then stick to it, it'll never end.

Offer to help her sort her life out but no more money.

If she's anything like my brother, you not being able (or willing) to lend any more money will be the last time he speaks to you. My brother and I haven't spoken in over ten years after he ignored my attempts to stay in contact. He even ignored me at our father's funeral.