AIBU to stop being the person my sister turns to when she needs money?

[PoisedSheep]

I feel quite conflicted about this because I love my sister. I don't want this to become one of those "I'm successful and my sister is a mess" posts, because that's not how I see her at all.

We're only 18 months apart and grew up in Gloucestershire in a very comfortable family. We went to good schools and universities, and our parents/grandparents supported us financially after university while we travelled. We were both extremely lucky. We both spent 2-3 years after university just travelling around the world, no jobs or anything, it was just covered by our family.
My sister was always the academic one. She was very bright, went to a more prestigious university and was much more driven than me. I was fairly average academically and went to Durham in the mid-2000s to study theology, largely because I wanted the university experience, social life and lacrosse. I came out with a 2:1, everyone was happy and I went travelling afterwards.We've never really competed with each other. In fact she's always been someone I've looked up to in certain ways and we've always had a close relationship.

Our lives have just turned out very differently.
I came back from travelling, got a job and gradually worked. I'm now in a reasonably senior role, DH has a good job and we're financially comfortable. We have two DC and we don't have to think particularly hard about whether we can afford everyday things. My sister has had a much harder time. She's been divorced twice and has recently had another relationship breakdown. She works, but isn't particularly well paid, hasn't bought a house and doesn't have much savings.Her children have also decided to live with their father full time. She still sees them but not nearly as much as she would like and I know that has absolutely devastated her.So I don't lack sympathy for her. I really don't. I know she's had a lot of things go wrong and I know that some of what she's dealing with isn't simply a case of "make better choices".The problem is that over the last few years I've gradually become the person who sorts out the money side of things.

It started with £500 here, £1,000 there. Then it became more frequent and larger amounts. In the last year I've lent her just under £20,000.I've never really chased her for repayment because, honestly I don't desperately need it back. I can afford to help her.She's now asked me for another £5,000.And I don't want to give it to her.That sounds horrible when I write it down because I can afford it. If I gave her £5k tomorrow my children wouldn't go without anything and our life wouldn't change.But I think something has changed.I'm no longer thinking, "My sister needs help and I can help her."I'm thinking, "Oh God, I'm being asked for money again."And I don't like that feeling.I don't want to start resenting her.
I've tried to help in ways other than just giving her money. I've suggested counselling because she's been through two divorces, another relationship breakdown and losing day to day contact with her children and I think she could probably do with some proper support.My parents have also offered her their bungalow near where we grew up. It's currently empty, so she could move there and dramatically reduce her living costs while she works things out.
She's said no.And I completely understand that it's her decision. I don't think she should have to live somewhere she doesn't want to live just because it's financially sensible.But I also think this is where my feelings become complicated.Because I can respect her right to make those choices while also deciding that I don't want to financially absorb the consequences of them.
And I don't know if that's selfish.Part of me thinks: I'm lucky, I have more than enough, she's my sister, why wouldn't I help her?If I had a sister who was genuinely struggling, surely I'd want to make her life a little easier.
But another part of me thinks that I'm starting to feel responsible for keeping her life afloat, and I don't want that responsibility.I don't want to become her emergency fund.I don't want to be checking what she's spent money on, questioning whether something was necessary, or getting irritated when she tells me she's struggling again. I don't want money to become this constant undercurrent in our relationship.And perhaps most importantly I don't want to get to the point where I secretly resent her while continuing to tell her yes because I feel guilty.That feels like it would be much worse for our relationship in the long run.

Growing up, she was the clever one. She was the person who was expected to achieve more academically and professionally. I was the less serious one who was better at sport and socialising and all I cared about back then was boys.
Now I'm the one with the money and she's the one asking me for it.
I don't think she is jealous of me. I don't think I'm better than her. But I do wonder whether there is something painful for both of us about that reversal and I don't want money to become part of how we see each other.
I also don't want to punish her for having a difficult life. That's what makes saying no so difficult.

I'm not thinking, "She made her bed, let her lie in it." I don't actually believe that. People get divorced. Relationships fail. People struggle financially. Children make choices that hurt their parents. Life can go badly even when you're a perfectly decent person. But I also think there has to be a point where helping someone stops being something you freely choose to do and starts becoming an expectation. My parents stopped lending her money some time ago. My brothers won't give her money either. So, increasingly, I'm the person she comes to because she knows I'll probably say yes. And I think I want to change that. Not because I don't love her. Actually probably because I do.
I want to be able to have a relationship with my sister where we talk, laugh, see each other and support each other without me constantly wondering when the next financial request is coming.

I'm considering telling her that I won't lend her any more money. I'm happy to help her think through options, help with practical things, listen to her and obviously be there for her emotionally. But I don't want to transfer another £5k.
I feel guilty even writing that because I know I have the means to help her.

Is this a reasonable boundary to put in place with someone I love, or if you have the means to make your sibling's life materially easier, do you have some sort of moral responsibility to do so? And if you've ever had to stop financially helping a close family member, how do you do it without making them feel that you're abandoning them?

Your parents have said no. Your brothers have also said no. She's been offered a family-owned house to live in and she's said no. Enough is enough. £20,000 is more than some people's annual salary and she now wants another £5k. How much more is she going to ask for between now and Christmas? I think she's actually playing the sympathy card with you, and is now taking the royal piss. It's a no from me.

You have been a great sister paying off your sister's debt for her. Now is the time to step back from giving her money. Invite her out for a meal or spa day and pay but don't give her money. If you don't stop helping her she will never develop the skills she needs to cope in life as an adult.

This.

OP, this isn’t reasonable on the part if your sister - she’s just using you like her own personal cashpoint machine. You have to say no, because if you don’t, she’ll be asking for more in another couple of months. £20,000 is really a lot of money out of taxed income - it sounds as though your sister thinks she can turn to you whenever she’s feeling “depressed” and fancies a handout. You are enabling her learned helplessness, and unless you stand firm, she will just carry on not simply asking, but actually expecting it. The kindest thing you can do for her is to sit down with her and help her to sort out her finances. She may not choose to live in your parents’ bungalow, but she might need to for a bit while she gets herself sorted out. Don’t feel guilty - she’s a grown-up and she needs to take responsibility for her own life. I dare say there are a few things you could buy your own DC for £5,000 - they seem rather more deserving of it than she does.

If you believe that your parents and brothers have said "no more money from us" for good reason, then it's probably best to join them now. It really doesn't sound like the £20k you've given her this year already is appreciated or genuinely helpful.
It sounds more like she thinks you are responsible for her, and if so, the quicker you reset things the better.
Neither option will be easy to live with, but you'll have to turn off the tap one day. This £5k is just delaying the inevitable, and the longer it goes on, you're possibly reducing the chance of her facing reality and turning things around.

She’s had £20k from you THIS YEAR? That’s more than i (retired) get in pension in a year!

Just stop.

Definitely the thought of addiction suggests itself.
Not necessarily the real hard stuff, but prescription pills can get wildly out of hand for some people, and then things really fall apart and money becomes a precarious presence. Dead easy to whizz through umpteen £ thousands trying to support that need.

I think it’s fair to speak with her and explain you have been happy to help thus far and you are really glad she no longer has the debt hanging over her head but you can’t continue to support her long term and it’s time to look at how she can move forward living within her means.

You are enabling her in this never ending cycle of her overstretching herself financially and taking no responsibility whatsoever for herself and her situation. You are not helping you, you are trying to erase your guilt because you are comfortable and happy. This should not be and is not on you.
Stop the handouts now. Stop being her crutch.
Some tough love needed and a realisation that the gravy train has stopped
There is lots of help out there to help her sort out her finances and live within her means. Time she took responsibility for herself.

OP tell her gently sorry she has had your spare money now and you need to put money away for your kids . Uni fund , house deposit ,savings for illness or redundancy . She is slowly bleeding you dry telling herself it's fine you can afford it . £25 k in 6 months £50 k in a year . £500k plus in 10 years ! It's not sustainable if you can live without this money can you be happy your kids( and grandchildren ) will be too

Your sister is a taker.

My younger brother was exactly the same. Always asking for money and had thousands off me over the years.

I’ve cut ties with him now and life is so much easier, less stressful. No fall out, just removed myself from his life.

How much has she leached off your parents, your brother, yourself and more than likely other friends and family in total??? And I use the word leach because that’s what she’s doing!!! She needs telling NO as you aren’t helping her long term and she hasn’t paid any of this £££ back to anyone has she?!!!

Your sister certainly is clever, she knows just how to exploit your guilt.

£20,000 in one year is insane.

Seriously just tell your money is tied up now and you can't lend her anymore.

I suspect she is resentful and jealous and expects you to help her as her right.
So I’d prepare for her anger when you start saying no, but you need to do this

I think it would be a good idea if she thought you can’t afford to keep helping her. These are not inconsequential sums of money and you never know what is around the corner: redundancy / cancer / one of you being hit by a bus / a child becoming disabled. Unlikely, but if you’ve given away a chunk of your rainy day fund, you don’t have it if you need it. And in the meantime your are facilitating her poor decision making.

She's being a CF. She'll never stand on her own feet if she can keep sponging off you. The rest of the family have realised this. Stop enabling her. I know you say you can afford it, but £20K is a LOT of money, and you're not telling me you couldn't have found a better use for it within your own family.

20 grand isn't far off a full time wage, especially tax free. There is no reason at all for her to need that much money for necessities at all. I really don't think you should give her any more.

This
it’s a bit like buying an alcoholic booze

The only way this ends is but you saying no.

I was my sister's ATM until I added up all I gave her and realized how much it was. After that I said no to all requests. I felt bad, but it's nice to have the money to do what I want to do for a change.

Is this AI? It’s weirdly specific

Does she have a drug addiction? That's a huge amount of money coupled with her children wanting to live with their dad. There's clearly more going on here

I know you don't want to play the blame game, but realistically, it doesn't sound like your sister has simply had a couple pieces of bad luck. In other words, she is at least partially responsible for the situation she finds herself in, and I wouldn't keep bailing her out. The fact that the rest of your family have said they won't loan (give, to tell the truth) her more money says it all. YANBU to decide that you've been generous enough. She needs to start making better choices, including probably living in the bungalow that your parents have so generously offered her.

I have lent, well effectively given, my own sister relatively large amounts of money for similar reasons. She suffered from depression and frankly helping her through some financial hard times felt like the only way I could be sure she wouldn’t fall apart, which would’ve been catastrophic for her children. However, I have now reached a point of no longer wanting to finance her lifestyle and her bad decisions. Fundamentally they are that. My own sister had two divorces in fairly quick succession. She’s always losing jobs and ending relationships. She has an option in the form of the bungalow. But she’s probably turning it down because she knows she can go to you for handouts. I think you’ve reached a point where you know you need to start saying no. And you don’t need to explain.

I would maybe respond to the ask by just saying- I can’t lend you any more money, and we need to talk about when you can start to pay me back the 20k- it will stop her at least from coming back to you for more if she thinks that she has to repay you

Blimey, and to think I moan about my DB tapping me up for £20 here and £50 there!

That's a crazy amount of overspending, especially as it doesn't sound as though she's got much to show for it. She definitely needs to take up your parents offer of their bungalow.