AIBU to stop being the person my sister turns to when she needs money?

[PoisedSheep]

I feel quite conflicted about this because I love my sister. I don't want this to become one of those "I'm successful and my sister is a mess" posts, because that's not how I see her at all.

We're only 18 months apart and grew up in Gloucestershire in a very comfortable family. We went to good schools and universities, and our parents/grandparents supported us financially after university while we travelled. We were both extremely lucky. We both spent 2-3 years after university just travelling around the world, no jobs or anything, it was just covered by our family.
My sister was always the academic one. She was very bright, went to a more prestigious university and was much more driven than me. I was fairly average academically and went to Durham in the mid-2000s to study theology, largely because I wanted the university experience, social life and lacrosse. I came out with a 2:1, everyone was happy and I went travelling afterwards.We've never really competed with each other. In fact she's always been someone I've looked up to in certain ways and we've always had a close relationship.

Our lives have just turned out very differently.
I came back from travelling, got a job and gradually worked. I'm now in a reasonably senior role, DH has a good job and we're financially comfortable. We have two DC and we don't have to think particularly hard about whether we can afford everyday things. My sister has had a much harder time. She's been divorced twice and has recently had another relationship breakdown. She works, but isn't particularly well paid, hasn't bought a house and doesn't have much savings.Her children have also decided to live with their father full time. She still sees them but not nearly as much as she would like and I know that has absolutely devastated her.So I don't lack sympathy for her. I really don't. I know she's had a lot of things go wrong and I know that some of what she's dealing with isn't simply a case of "make better choices".The problem is that over the last few years I've gradually become the person who sorts out the money side of things.

It started with £500 here, £1,000 there. Then it became more frequent and larger amounts. In the last year I've lent her just under £20,000.I've never really chased her for repayment because, honestly I don't desperately need it back. I can afford to help her.She's now asked me for another £5,000.And I don't want to give it to her.That sounds horrible when I write it down because I can afford it. If I gave her £5k tomorrow my children wouldn't go without anything and our life wouldn't change.But I think something has changed.I'm no longer thinking, "My sister needs help and I can help her."I'm thinking, "Oh God, I'm being asked for money again."And I don't like that feeling.I don't want to start resenting her.
I've tried to help in ways other than just giving her money. I've suggested counselling because she's been through two divorces, another relationship breakdown and losing day to day contact with her children and I think she could probably do with some proper support.My parents have also offered her their bungalow near where we grew up. It's currently empty, so she could move there and dramatically reduce her living costs while she works things out.
She's said no.And I completely understand that it's her decision. I don't think she should have to live somewhere she doesn't want to live just because it's financially sensible.But I also think this is where my feelings become complicated.Because I can respect her right to make those choices while also deciding that I don't want to financially absorb the consequences of them.
And I don't know if that's selfish.Part of me thinks: I'm lucky, I have more than enough, she's my sister, why wouldn't I help her?If I had a sister who was genuinely struggling, surely I'd want to make her life a little easier.
But another part of me thinks that I'm starting to feel responsible for keeping her life afloat, and I don't want that responsibility.I don't want to become her emergency fund.I don't want to be checking what she's spent money on, questioning whether something was necessary, or getting irritated when she tells me she's struggling again. I don't want money to become this constant undercurrent in our relationship.And perhaps most importantly I don't want to get to the point where I secretly resent her while continuing to tell her yes because I feel guilty.That feels like it would be much worse for our relationship in the long run.

Growing up, she was the clever one. She was the person who was expected to achieve more academically and professionally. I was the less serious one who was better at sport and socialising and all I cared about back then was boys.
Now I'm the one with the money and she's the one asking me for it.
I don't think she is jealous of me. I don't think I'm better than her. But I do wonder whether there is something painful for both of us about that reversal and I don't want money to become part of how we see each other.
I also don't want to punish her for having a difficult life. That's what makes saying no so difficult.

I'm not thinking, "She made her bed, let her lie in it." I don't actually believe that. People get divorced. Relationships fail. People struggle financially. Children make choices that hurt their parents. Life can go badly even when you're a perfectly decent person. But I also think there has to be a point where helping someone stops being something you freely choose to do and starts becoming an expectation. My parents stopped lending her money some time ago. My brothers won't give her money either. So, increasingly, I'm the person she comes to because she knows I'll probably say yes. And I think I want to change that. Not because I don't love her. Actually probably because I do.
I want to be able to have a relationship with my sister where we talk, laugh, see each other and support each other without me constantly wondering when the next financial request is coming.

I'm considering telling her that I won't lend her any more money. I'm happy to help her think through options, help with practical things, listen to her and obviously be there for her emotionally. But I don't want to transfer another £5k.
I feel guilty even writing that because I know I have the means to help her.

Is this a reasonable boundary to put in place with someone I love, or if you have the means to make your sibling's life materially easier, do you have some sort of moral responsibility to do so? And if you've ever had to stop financially helping a close family member, how do you do it without making them feel that you're abandoning them?

You are effectively giving away your children’s money. That 20k could have been used for their future.
You may have money now but you never know what will happen and one day you could find yourself a single parent too. Save your money and stop bailing her out for ‘nice things’

You’ve missed out some crucial information.

Why have three serious relationships ended?

And why do her children want to live with dad? That’s an unusual choice.

Im wondering if she’s been incredibly unlucky or if she has a role to play in it all and actually, she needs to address that before she repeats it. Or spirals.

Yanbu, I think if feel the same way.

Why did her relationships fail? Is there an issue in common with all of them - addiction, financial incompetence??

These are good questions.

Honestly I'd say that you've given her 20k this year; this time you can give her 2,500 but that you wont be able to help her in future.

If she genuinely needs it now and you've allowed her to build the pattern of relying on you for money, give her time to get her head around the fact that the funding is going to stop. So help her out to some degree this time.

But make it clear that the tap is being shut off in future.

This is a tale as old as time - you’ve been enabling her, not helping, and therefore the cycle continued.

Having been in a similar situation with a formerly close friend, I think you need to stick to your guns about refusing to give her the £5k, keep it minimal and ask for some timeline about when she pays back the that £20k. I am shocked you are so blasé about that money. As a PP said, that £20k could have been used to enhance the lives of your kids. On a more practical level, none of us know what the future holds and one day you may need that £20k for some kind of emergency. Be prepared for the relationship to change forever (hopefully for the better).

She’s taking the pis and you’re enabling this. Cut her off.

Shes got to hit her own rock bottom. Say no more. I had this with my sister. The cheek of it. Ridiculous

OP, come on. I get she's your sister and you love her, but if you were any more of a mug you'd be living in a cupboard.

"She made her bed, let her lie in it." I don't actually believe that.
Well, you should!

Not because of her relationship failure or illness, you're right in that those things can happen, but she has had £20k in just 6 months off you, and presumably quite a bit more before then, money off your parents, money off your brothers, very possibly money off friends or her ex-partners, AND the offer of free accommodation to help sort herself out - and instead of using any of that to put a deposit down on a place or retrain or whatever she's STILL begging for even more money to spend on drinks or new shoes or whatever "luxuries" mean to her.

She might not be blamed for all her life events (although you might only know one side of the story, presumably her children chose not to live with her for a reason) but she absolutely can be blamed for repeatedly making the decision to waste money and rely on other people to bail her out, again and again.

If I gave her £5k tomorrow my children wouldn't go without anything
Unless you're completely downplaying 'financially comfortable' and you're actually a lot richer than you're letting on, then £25k absolutely will make a difference to your children's lives - invested now that could be most of their uni tuition covered or a deposit on their first home. It's ridiculous to give that to your sister to spend on bubble bath and takeaways.

I also agree with the people who said you are very much not helping her by enabling her, and it probably is hitting her self-esteem to be constantly requesting handouts from all family members rather than just cutting her cloth as well.

A simple “we don’t have”. No one else needs to know your financial circumstances.
And put a plan in place to for the return of the rest.

Your sister is a scrounger and you are enabling her behaviour through a misplaced sense of guilt.
Drop the rope.

It sounds to me like she's just never got her head round the fact that money has to be earned. You both got constant handouts while you were young (your family must have been seriously well off if they could casually fund you both to just travel for years!). So she has certain expectations of how life should be and what she's entitled to, and she has just continued expecting other people to pay for it. I wouldn't be surprised if her relationship issues have been at least in part related to overspending.

Everyone except you has now turned off the tap, so she will just continue to ask you for more and more money - she doesn't see that as a big problem because other people have always funded her life. You should definitely stop handing over such big sums of money, but I'd be prepared for her to be quite angry about it.

My parents have also offered her their bungalow near where we grew up. It's currently empty, so she could move there and dramatically reduce her living costs while she works things out.
She's said no.And I completely understand that it's her decision. I don't think she should have to live somewhere she doesn't want to live just because it's financially sensible.

I do! Better to live in a rent-free, parent-owned bungalow (oh, the hardship!) than to continue indefinitely leaching £££ off her sister.

Are you SURE she doesn't have a raging drug habit?

"I was fairly average academically and went to Durham in the mid-2000s"

This makes no sense. Durham doesn't admit average students.

Unfortunately when someone doesn’t have money, they have to live where is affordable for them, even if they don’t like it. Asking you to top up the lifestyle isn’t the answer. How much will you get to before you finally have enough or can’t do it anymore? 50k? 100k?
How she was as a child is irrelevant, you really can’t tell from a child how their life will turn out.

Sorry, helping out in real need is one thing but funding a lifestyle she would quite like but can't afford is another.

Bluntly, you are being taken for a mug. She needs to get help for her depression and take steps to build a better life for herself. You facilitating shopping sprees is actually aiding her bad situation.

(Ponders fact that anyone would think it was a good idea, TBH)

If i were you id say sorry sis, you've had £X off me so far and paid back £y. I cant afford to keep giving you money. You've had 20k off me this year alone.

Maybe if you give her the total she may see that you have done more than enough

No more. With the best intentions you are actually enabling her to avoid sorting herself out - its actually more loving to say no and offer other help. You may find if you switch off the flow she will have to make choices such as moving into the bungalow etc. That's a lot of money for a single person on top of their salary - where is it going? I think you are entitled to know and maybe then can help her in other ways. While you can afford it now things can always chage and you may need it for you, or your children in the future. Tough love needed

Unfortunately by giving her money you are enabling her to continue to make bad choices and not necessarily face up to her situation. If you continue to give her handouts she has no incentive to get herself “sorted”. It sounds like it’s time to draw a line in the sand to help her face up to the reality of her situation. Your parents have a,so tried to help with the offer of the bungalow which would be a big financial support. Your parents have mention she has resisted therapy but perhaps you could suggest that rather than give her the cash you will fund some therapy to help her come to terms with the complex situation emotionally she must be in after failed marriages and her DC living full time with her ex. I know it sounds tough but perhaps it’s time to take a stance and not keep giving her handouts which effectively is what they are as the money is not being repaid.

Is your sister paying child support for her children? There must be a good reason why her kids don’t want to live with her and she’s been divorced twice. She sounds completely selfish and irresponsible.

She’s been offered free housing and refused it. That’s a good enough reason to not give her any more money. She’s not stupid and knows exactly how to manipulate you into coughing up cash. It’s time to stop.

I also noticed this. Did your family make you feel like the less clever child @PoisedSheep?

FFS what a long rambling on. Your sister is like an alcoholic. You need to learn to say NO.

I'm considering telling her that I won't lend her any more money. I'm happy to help her think through options, help with practical things, listen to her and obviously be there for her emotionally.

@PoisedSheep I think this is the best way forward. You've given her a lot of money-£20,000 this year isn't even the total amount as you gave her smaller sums previously. You've not being unkind; you've helped her a lot already. It probably would be a good idea for her to move into your parents' bungalow (at least for a while) and reduce her living costs.

Your sister is an emotional spender. She may talk about feeling depressed but that will be situational depression not clinical depression. My mother is similar and I am now down 35K but that's over a period of 5 years. I had enough and said no to her last request for £7K over a year ago. I explained that most of my excess income was being directed elsewhere. I didn't say where or give any further explanation...but she gave me the petted lip and the death stare.
Please don't allow yourself to be emotionally and financially manipulated any longer. You are a kind person and deserve more.

"WhisperingHi · Today 18:10
You’ve missed out some crucial information.
Why have three serious relationships ended?
And why do her children want to live with dad? That’s an unusual choice.
Im wondering if she’s been incredibly unlucky or if she has a role to play in it all and actually, she needs to address that before she repeats it. Or spirals.
Yanbu, I think if feel the same way."

"NImumconfused · Today 18:43
It sounds to me like she's just never got her head round the fact that money has to be earned. You both got constant handouts while you were young (your family must have been seriously well off if they could casually fund you both to just travel for years!). So she has certain expectations of how life should be and what she's entitled to, and she has just continued expecting other people to pay for it. I wouldn't be surprised if her relationship issues have been at least in part related to overspending."

"HelpfulHelena · Today 17:03
Does she realise how much she has borrowed?
Id just tell her straight “look sis I know you’re in a tight spot, but I lent you £20k last year. I want to help - I really do - but I just can’t keep handing over cash. So I’m going to say no and I’m begging you to reconsider Mum’s offer to let you stay in their bungalow. If you like I’ll sit down and help you plan a budget. You could start to build some savings and then slowly repay me that £20k so at least if there is another crisis I’ve got my savings back.”

All this with bells on. It sounds like your sister has never really grown up. I actually think in some ways your family did you both a massive disservice paying for you just to wander the world for 2-3 years after uni but you obviously have your feet firmly on the ground and recognised the need to work and earn when your travels ended. But children living full time with their father, unless this has come about through his abuse of your sister, suggests some serious problems on your sister's part. It's hard because, as you say, it isn't just down to her but she is the common factor and her expectations and her spending habits are exacerbating her situation. She needs to start sorting herself out.