AIBU to stop being the person my sister turns to when she needs money?

[PoisedSheep]

I feel quite conflicted about this because I love my sister. I don't want this to become one of those "I'm successful and my sister is a mess" posts, because that's not how I see her at all.

We're only 18 months apart and grew up in Gloucestershire in a very comfortable family. We went to good schools and universities, and our parents/grandparents supported us financially after university while we travelled. We were both extremely lucky. We both spent 2-3 years after university just travelling around the world, no jobs or anything, it was just covered by our family.
My sister was always the academic one. She was very bright, went to a more prestigious university and was much more driven than me. I was fairly average academically and went to Durham in the mid-2000s to study theology, largely because I wanted the university experience, social life and lacrosse. I came out with a 2:1, everyone was happy and I went travelling afterwards.We've never really competed with each other. In fact she's always been someone I've looked up to in certain ways and we've always had a close relationship.

Our lives have just turned out very differently.
I came back from travelling, got a job and gradually worked. I'm now in a reasonably senior role, DH has a good job and we're financially comfortable. We have two DC and we don't have to think particularly hard about whether we can afford everyday things. My sister has had a much harder time. She's been divorced twice and has recently had another relationship breakdown. She works, but isn't particularly well paid, hasn't bought a house and doesn't have much savings.Her children have also decided to live with their father full time. She still sees them but not nearly as much as she would like and I know that has absolutely devastated her.So I don't lack sympathy for her. I really don't. I know she's had a lot of things go wrong and I know that some of what she's dealing with isn't simply a case of "make better choices".The problem is that over the last few years I've gradually become the person who sorts out the money side of things.

It started with £500 here, £1,000 there. Then it became more frequent and larger amounts. In the last year I've lent her just under £20,000.I've never really chased her for repayment because, honestly I don't desperately need it back. I can afford to help her.She's now asked me for another £5,000.And I don't want to give it to her.That sounds horrible when I write it down because I can afford it. If I gave her £5k tomorrow my children wouldn't go without anything and our life wouldn't change.But I think something has changed.I'm no longer thinking, "My sister needs help and I can help her."I'm thinking, "Oh God, I'm being asked for money again."And I don't like that feeling.I don't want to start resenting her.
I've tried to help in ways other than just giving her money. I've suggested counselling because she's been through two divorces, another relationship breakdown and losing day to day contact with her children and I think she could probably do with some proper support.My parents have also offered her their bungalow near where we grew up. It's currently empty, so she could move there and dramatically reduce her living costs while she works things out.
She's said no.And I completely understand that it's her decision. I don't think she should have to live somewhere she doesn't want to live just because it's financially sensible.But I also think this is where my feelings become complicated.Because I can respect her right to make those choices while also deciding that I don't want to financially absorb the consequences of them.
And I don't know if that's selfish.Part of me thinks: I'm lucky, I have more than enough, she's my sister, why wouldn't I help her?If I had a sister who was genuinely struggling, surely I'd want to make her life a little easier.
But another part of me thinks that I'm starting to feel responsible for keeping her life afloat, and I don't want that responsibility.I don't want to become her emergency fund.I don't want to be checking what she's spent money on, questioning whether something was necessary, or getting irritated when she tells me she's struggling again. I don't want money to become this constant undercurrent in our relationship.And perhaps most importantly I don't want to get to the point where I secretly resent her while continuing to tell her yes because I feel guilty.That feels like it would be much worse for our relationship in the long run.

Growing up, she was the clever one. She was the person who was expected to achieve more academically and professionally. I was the less serious one who was better at sport and socialising and all I cared about back then was boys.
Now I'm the one with the money and she's the one asking me for it.
I don't think she is jealous of me. I don't think I'm better than her. But I do wonder whether there is something painful for both of us about that reversal and I don't want money to become part of how we see each other.
I also don't want to punish her for having a difficult life. That's what makes saying no so difficult.

I'm not thinking, "She made her bed, let her lie in it." I don't actually believe that. People get divorced. Relationships fail. People struggle financially. Children make choices that hurt their parents. Life can go badly even when you're a perfectly decent person. But I also think there has to be a point where helping someone stops being something you freely choose to do and starts becoming an expectation. My parents stopped lending her money some time ago. My brothers won't give her money either. So, increasingly, I'm the person she comes to because she knows I'll probably say yes. And I think I want to change that. Not because I don't love her. Actually probably because I do.
I want to be able to have a relationship with my sister where we talk, laugh, see each other and support each other without me constantly wondering when the next financial request is coming.

I'm considering telling her that I won't lend her any more money. I'm happy to help her think through options, help with practical things, listen to her and obviously be there for her emotionally. But I don't want to transfer another £5k.
I feel guilty even writing that because I know I have the means to help her.

Is this a reasonable boundary to put in place with someone I love, or if you have the means to make your sibling's life materially easier, do you have some sort of moral responsibility to do so? And if you've ever had to stop financially helping a close family member, how do you do it without making them feel that you're abandoning them?

I know this sounds mean, but you’re not helping her to sort herself out if you keep giving her money.

I got halfway down (to about the point where she's had £20k off you this year) and just thought, 'No. Don't give her any more'.

Honestly, I've no idea what/how she's spending this on top of wages, but just say to her kindly that you are sorry, but you won't be able to give her any more money. Be vague and say that you are saving for some big commitments in the future and leave it at that.

If she pushes I would say bluntly, 'I've given you £20k already in the last year and I can't afford to keep subsidising you. It's not fair on my own family'. She's a grown up and does need to sort herself out.

There are options for her, even if she doesn't want to take them. That's absolutely her choice, but she doesn't get to expect someone else to step in and pay for her.

She keeps asking because you keep saying yes.
She’s had a bad time but she’s an adult. She needs to work out how to live on what she has.

Have a chat with her outlining what you've written in this post, be prepared for tears and lots of heavy emotional words and feelings. Offer to help her come up with a plan to get out of the financial situation she's in, but don't include any financial support as part of the plan. If she declined your offer, then I personally would find it quite easy to say no I can't give you anymore money and back away. Good luck

What could she possibly need that much money for in that short of time? Unless it is legal fees, I would worry you are enabling something damaging.

What’s she needed £20k for this year alone when her children don’t live with her and she works?!

That’s an awful lot of money and I would be concerned it was either going on something unnecessary (gambling, drinking, shopping) or she was just irretrievably living beyond her means!

You can’t keep up this level of financial support so I would just tell her you can’t afford it and offer to help her reassess her budget, finances, living situation, help her find a new higher paid job or whatever. Support isn’t always financial

It sounds likexdhe living beyond her means. Say I csnt help as this time but I could help you budget and see where you could make savings. Or is there any other practical hrlp to offer rather than keep digging her out.

What did she need 20k for?. It's an awfully large sum of money for just stuff. Is it her rent or does she have an addiction or debt she's having to pay off. I think if it's her rent that's one thing, just on general stuff, I wouldn't lend her any more. I would be frightened that she would never stop asking.

For as long as you ‘lend’ her money you’re contributing to the problem. It will never go away.

I agree that £20k is way beyond bridging the gap when she's a bit short. What does she say the money is for? Are there any visible signs of overspending? Fancy car, clothes, grooming, travel?

Even if she lives in a high cost area and is paying maintenance as a NRP (which won't be much if she doesn't earn much) she must be spending excessively to get through that amount of money.

The best thing you can do is refuse to give her money and point her towards online financial education resources or charities that will help her manage her money if she's in debt. You say you can afford to give her money, but possibly not at this rate, at the very least you could significantly risk your own financial future (pension, DC education) even if you can still pay the bills etc.

She had a bit of debt which I helped her pay it all off and she has paid it all now, that is included in the almost 20k that I have sent her between january to july The money I have lent her recently is just for 'nice' things she has been honest but then she says she is depressed etc so this helps her which is why I have continued to be supportive

Does she tell you why she needs the money? She's just gone through £20k and is now asking for another £5k. What is she spending it on?

Has she tried to get a better paid job? She is obviously intelligent with good qualifications.

I would be less understanding about her turning down your parents' offer of a free bungalow. If she wasn't paying rent, she would be able to save and would not need to keep coming back to you for money. She is being pretty selfish and entitled.

Holy moly op I like nice things can I have £5k?

You KNOW she's taking advantage now, you need to cut her off and honestly I'd be asking for a repayment plan, even £50 a month

Is she an addict? £25K in a year is a full time salary for some people. What is she doing with it?

This exactly. I got to the £20000 and that was enough. Just say no, be vague, but if you have to but up front. She’s had £20000+ and no plan to pay it back. Enough is enough.

So she hasn’t really cleared her debts, she’s just in debt to you now instead. You’re not a bank!

Stop. You are enabling rather than helping. Offer advice and support and tell her you’ve written off what she owes you but there will be no more money.

This isn’t helping her - her spending behaviour and inability to support herself is not improving. Every time you give money to your sister your feeding the problem and taking money away from your own children.

I think asking for money for luxuries when you’ve just paid off £20k debt is a bit much!

Especially £5k of luxuries. Surely the odd takeaway, chocolate bar, new hobby item, cinema trip, bubble bath or whatever is much cheaper than that and would do the trick at making her feel pampered!

Thats a heck of a lot of money, OP, you’ve been really generous.
In your shoes I would give (we all know it isn’t a loan) the £5k and tell her thats’s everything she’s getting, the tap is now turned off. Tbh the only reason I’d give her the last payment is to stop self-created sisterly guilt (or her forever complaining she had been abandoned to her fate, depending on what her personality is like).
You’ve been amazingly generous OP & I hope she appreciates you eventually.

(Edited for grammar)

Nice things ! Oh hell no . Major piss taking now . What is the £5k for. ? Even if you were absolutely loaded you are not helping her . Is this going to be a life long thing with her . As you say it is becoming burdensome to be constantly asked for money . I had a sister like this and we couldn't even have normal conversations about me buying shoes without her hinting I should give her money.
You might not feel it now but you might regret it later when you don't have as much to give your own DCs to maybe help them out . How does your DH feel ? I know that I would be unhappy with that much family money being giving away .

I felt compelled to write my first post ever as I am in a similar position as you, although my sister has an added complication of serious mental health issues. For that reason I have variously given her tens of thousands of pounds over the last 20 years and offered a lot of other help and assistance including accommodation and medical help. None of it has made any difference whatsoever. Finally it got to a point where I just dreaded seeing her and it caused me no end of guilt but I thought it was what you do for family. I ended up seeing a therapist who helped me to see that she is an adult and the best way to help is not to help. I hope you can reach this realisation and it sounds like you have.

If you keep giving her money (and let’s face it, she’s not going to repay you so this is just a gift) then that will continue to warp the relationship.

For a long time I helped a sibling out financially, and more and more they treated me like a parent that was responsible for them, but they also resented asking me for help, and therefore resented me.

It really damaged the relationship, and I don’t think it did them any favours long term as it just delayed them sorting their own life out.

So if you’re feeling guilty for not giving her cash, remember that by refusing to give cash you are protecting your relationship as siblings, and you are encouraging her to develop the kind of maturity and self-reliance that she should already have.

Does she realise how much she has borrowed?

Id just tell her straight “look sis I know you’re in a tight spot, but I lent you £20k last year. I want to help - I really do - but I just can’t keep handing over cash. So I’m going to say no and I’m begging you to reconsider Mum’s offer to let you stay in their bungalow. If you like I’ll sit down and help you plan a budget. You could start to build some savings and then slowly repay me that £20k so at least if there is another crisis I’ve got my savings back.”