Wedding related would you do this? Outside perspective needed.

[EugenieGreen]

This is not a thread about decisions B&G have made.

Every one of the same ‘status’/‘tier’ has been treated exactly the same. No one has been singled out.

One spouse has been invited to a wedding on their side. Large famous hotel, they do not have exclusive use of this hotel but obviously have exclusive use of certain rooms etc.

The uninvited spouse wants to stay at the hotel which their spouse has paid for (at slightly discounted price). Watch a film in peace, use gym/ spa luxuriate a bit. Would be nowhere near wedding party, would not impinge, would not hang out with in-laws and spouse whose family it is, would not feel the need at any point to check in on spouse.

Aunt/mother of groom says not acceptable.

if you were spouse would you do this or do you think it’s rude? **

I think it’s embarrassing and wouldn’t do it.

Theoretically it’s fine; in practice it would just seem…weird.

This happened to me many years ago in the brief time I was married, DH was invited to a friends wedding and I was not invited (they didn't know he had married). We booked a double room and I just watched TV during the meal and speeches. I did get "glammed up" and go down in the evening. However there were a lot of people who had been invited to the evening only and no one said anything. about my presence. It was not as though I was costing the B&G any money as I was not eating their food.

Not inviting spouses is absolutely terrible behaviour, if they can't afford it they should invite half the number of couples instead. So I would absolutely go to the hotel with your spouse, as you say you're not affecting anything about the wedding budget.

Well, it really isn't up to them. Since the spouse is paying for the room, they can have their spouse there, their BFF, their child or the frigging NDN. It's not the business of the B&G or the MoG.

If they wanted that much control, they should have reserved and paid for the whole hotel and the rooms.

@EugenieGreen I see nothing at all wrong with it. In fact, I think several of the spouses should go and you all make a time of it away from the wedding guests.

I am completely and totally gobsmacked that someone would have a wedding, yet not invite any spouses. Do the B&G want to be the only "couple" there?

Personally, that type of shindig is not my style and I wouldn't go at all.

Go another day

But attending a wedding costs significant money, making the most of it just makes sense to some extent.

It's only "sending a message" if you assume malintent. Life is generally nicer with less drama if you give people the benefit of the doubt.

That's the hotel offering the discount. The B&G didn't pay for the discount, so that should not stop anyone from going with their spouse to the hotel.

Say he's not going but let him go on the quiet if there's absolutely no contact with the wedding party.

no ,it's just weird, and it's obviously trying to make a point.

It only embarrass the OP, so again no drama, but why would you want to be that person?

I also get that if you're other half is paying for the room and the petrol to get there then make the most of it. These things are pricey.

Why has Aunt / Mother of Groom said it’s unacceptable for them to be in a room and never be seen by the wedding party? Would they even know the uninvited spouse was there? Why did the MoG find out about the plan to be there?

@EugenieGreen I think it's totally fine! The hotel has not been paid for by the B & G, so who stays in it, is no ones business! The Aunt/Mother in law, have no say in who can stay in the room! Go and enjoy the facilities and peace!

This has too many imponderables, as Jeeves would say.

I really think that if more than one uninvited spouse goes, they'll probably find out that the other is there and get togther, then some are bound to be in contact during the day with their invited spouse, the wedding group will hear about it and some bright spark will insist on all getting together in the evening. With obvious consequences.

They're the same thing.

What I don’t understand is why MOG was informed? What’s it got to do with her?

I don't see an issue. Why would you even need to inform the wedding party your other half was sharing the room with you? And I also don't see a need to sneak around to ensure no one in the wedding party catches sight of the not invited partner. Enjoy your pampering spa break.

@pigsDOfly

The OP means not invited, which has a completely different meaning to uninvited. The ‘un’ part means to undo or take away, which would mean rescinding an invitation that had been made.

Sorry, can’t help it, pedant here!

Has anyone actually done this, or know someone who has? How did it go?

Why? If you were the bride how would it affect your wedding?

Depends why the spouse hasn't been invited.

If it's because there is a family rift, then they should stay away. Staying at the hotel is unnecessarily inflammatory.

If it's just about numbers, then it's nobody else's business who else stays at the hotel.

If I was the bride, I might feel a bit awkward that an un/non invited guest was in the vicinity and I'd wonder if I ought to offer that they join in

YANBU

1. Room is paid for privately not by the wedding party
2. NIG (non invited guest) is not attending any wedding celebrations
3. NIG is paying for their own spa treatments whilst celebrations are happening
4. NIG plans to eat and drink in different areas of hotel.

If you are not visible, there is no reason why you can’t act as any other guest that is free to book a room at their own expense.

Well the spouse should be able to use the room her DH paid for as long she stays away from the wedding, but given the bride and groom have said now it all depends on how much fallout you're ready to deal with.

You can insist and go and be ready to fallout with them and the family going forward, your decision.