Wedding related would you do this? Outside perspective needed.

[EugenieGreen]

This is not a thread about decisions B&G have made.

Every one of the same ‘status’/‘tier’ has been treated exactly the same. No one has been singled out.

One spouse has been invited to a wedding on their side. Large famous hotel, they do not have exclusive use of this hotel but obviously have exclusive use of certain rooms etc.

The uninvited spouse wants to stay at the hotel which their spouse has paid for (at slightly discounted price). Watch a film in peace, use gym/ spa luxuriate a bit. Would be nowhere near wedding party, would not impinge, would not hang out with in-laws and spouse whose family it is, would not feel the need at any point to check in on spouse.

Aunt/mother of groom says not acceptable.

if you were spouse would you do this or do you think it’s rude? **

Does the family think that the uninvited spouse will gatecrash in the evening or something? Or that the invited spouse might be distracted and leave early to spend time in the hotel with their spouse? Otherwise I can’t see the problem, and frankly it’s none of the wedding family’s business what the uninvited person does.

Chilling and using the spa sounds nicer than going to a wedding that doesn’t invite spouses and tries to control who uses the hotel.

I don’t want the thread derailed by questions of etiquette etc.

I just want advice on use of room.

Yea.....Id be completely disregarding the Aunt.

Enjoy your hotel stay that sounds like a perfect evening. Is there room service? 😍 jealous!

No issue whatsoever. Both DH and I have done exactly this when the other had been invited to work colleague weddings and we had a free weekend without work or other commitments. Why not? Would do it for any wedding only one had been invited to if the other was free and it was convenient.

Have the wedding party and spouse fallen out?, if so I don't think the spouse should go.

LOL this is absolutely fine and anyone saying otherwise is unhinged.

If the B&G want full control of the whole hotel and guests in it they need to book out the whole thing and pay for the rooms too.

Unless the MOG’s concern is that the non-invited spouse is going to try to get involved somehow with resulting family tension because of the impression that they’ve been included where other spouses are not, it’s really none of their business. I’d have gone and not even said anything, either nobody would ever find out or you’d just say on the day that you’re along for the ride and to use the facilities that your OH has paid for.

Go and enjoy yourself!

If I understand it, the individual has booked a room at a hotel for the wedding. Other guests unconnected with the hotel are also booking rooms because there is no exclusivity issue, just a certain number of rooms held by the hotel for wedding guests to books with a promotional discount.

So the individual will have a double room single occupancy if they attend alone, but they can upgrade this to double occupancy at minimal cost (ie any costs for breakfast) and their spouse/partner can use the room and all the spa facilities [that are including the room charge but the wedding guest person will not use as attending the wedding]. Ie, the spouse of this guest can have a treat weekend for pretty much no cost?

Of course they can. If the wedding party don’t like it, tough. Why should the spouse/partner incur £150-200 to book a separate room or go somewhere else, when the whole point is that the room and access to facilities is already paid for by the wedding guest, so it’s essentially a free weekend to use hotel facilities and have a luxury breakfast with their spouse in the morning.

Unless there is a back story as to why this spouse/partner is NOT invited, then they have no right to dictate who shares the room - whether it’s a partner or a random they pick up at the bar later that night.

I can’t see any problem with this at all. You are merely using a hotel room and facilities that has been paid for. It might get awkward at breakfast time. Maybe you could use room service to avoid seeing the wedding party!

Do you mean ‘not invited’ rather than ‘uninvited’?

Why is the invited spouse even going to the wedding? No way would DH or I go to a family wedding where only one of us is invited.

I mean - it’s a bit odd (as a pp said - might be a bit awkward at breakfast), but then so is not inviting your cousin’s wife if inviting your cousin. So no clear rules of etiquette on this one! I suppose it does look a bit passive aggressive, but then the couple really can’t control who is staying in a hotel! Would it be an option to stay in a different fancy hotel, in which case, no problem at all?

Yes, I think that's how we all understand it?

I think it would be beneficial though if the OP could tell us why the spouses were uninvited, rather than not invited in the first place.

I am the voice of dissent here . I don't think the invited spouse should show up at the wedding venue . It magnifies the fact that spouses weren't invited . And if the other uninvited spouses find out it could cause bad feelings. Not good to show up where you weren't wanted or invited .

@EugenieGreen if it won't cost the B&G anything then it shouldn't be an issue!

I did the same years ago. I went to my best friend's wedding in a posh hotel, but partners of friends weren't invited as numbers were tight. My boyfriend came anyway and was planning to just chill in the bedroom, use the pool etc...

As it turned out, one of the ancient aunties was ill, so he was offered a seat at a table (not the same table as me!!!!) and got a free meal.

I think it is fine as long as the spouse avoids the area where the wedding is and avoid the lobby area when the b&g and their family are arriving. Might have breakfast in the room the next morning.

Feels a bit weird to me, like you're trying to make a point. Even if that's not the case, it'll come across as such because you've already been advised that it'd be considered rude. If you do decide to do it, would you be able to check in discreetly at a time less likely to bump into invited guests and have breakfast in the room to avoid awkwardness?

There was a really similar thread last year and I remember a lot of people said not to do it (I think it was slightly different in that the op was planning to pop down for a dance and drink at some point in the evening which people thought might be awkward). But I would absolutely do what you’re doing. It’s a night away, already paid for. It’s no one else’s business who stays in the room.

In principle, since there is no exclusivity claim and the hotel will be occupied by other non-wedding guests, I see absolutely no issue. So long as it has no impact on the wedding event, then your aunt should wind her neck in. That the wedding party do not want what sounds like spouses of multiple guests, WTF. If I was one of the invited, I wouldn't be bothering. Why are the partners/spouses of attending family members not invited? "Let's celebrate the union of a couple by disregarding everyone else's relationships!"

Of course you should use the room and enjoy the facilities. You paid for it, it's not as if it was free. The aunt/groom's mother has no business dictating. You shouldn't have told them your plans. Enjoy your treats and being pampered.

Anyone remember the very long thread on this exact question a few months ago?

I think it turned out the uninvited spouse was actually planning to gatecrash some of it, at least breakfast the following morning. My memory is hazy, but once the details were thrashed out, most people were against it - I think because it might annoy the other uninvited spouses if they found out and/or put the bride & groom in a difficult position.

Sorry I mean not invited spouses NOT uninvited.

It's fine along as they really do stay completely out of all the wedding activities, including the reception on arrival and the Bride and Groom doing anything in common hotel areas. To the extent you tell them when they are arriving etc so they completely keep out of the way.
But I wouldn't go to a wedding my spouse wasn't invited to so it would never arise for me.

If there is a big group breakfast the next day I’d probably make sure I got my breakfast with partner much earlier to avoid issues. (Or alone if they allow that)

else I’d enjoy myself in the hotel. Many people may attend a wedding as part of a weekend away. If you can both stay at a nearby fancy hotel for same price that may be better.