Wedding related would you do this? Outside perspective needed.

[EugenieGreen]

This is not a thread about decisions B&G have made.

Every one of the same ‘status’/‘tier’ has been treated exactly the same. No one has been singled out.

One spouse has been invited to a wedding on their side. Large famous hotel, they do not have exclusive use of this hotel but obviously have exclusive use of certain rooms etc.

The uninvited spouse wants to stay at the hotel which their spouse has paid for (at slightly discounted price). Watch a film in peace, use gym/ spa luxuriate a bit. Would be nowhere near wedding party, would not impinge, would not hang out with in-laws and spouse whose family it is, would not feel the need at any point to check in on spouse.

Aunt/mother of groom says not acceptable.

if you were spouse would you do this or do you think it’s rude? **

It's fine, it's a hotel that's open to the public. There's always the option to exclusively book if that's what you prefer.

I wonder if MOG feels awkward about the spouse's not being invited.

The room itself is slightly discounted, use of the facilities isn’t discounted.

I have no idea if the B&G have an opinion on not invited partners using the rooms.

it is only MoG who has expressed an opinion.

I don't see an issue at all. If you are paying for the room then fill your boots! Why shouldn't you enjoy it?

I thought the spouse was getting a separate room and not interacting with the wedding. If they are in the room it's not OK. Separate room and just using the facilities and keeping out of the way fair enough.

Actually, I’ve slightly changed my mind: as the invited cousin I’d be moving my booking to the competing hotel down the road, so my spouse could enjoy their facilities freely whilst I attended the wedding, & no risk of upsetting Auntie.

Of course that might cause a separate issue if the B&G have secured a deal based on filling hotel rooms…but, well, they can discuss that with Auntie.

How will MoG even know if you are there? Just don't tell her.

There is a brunch in another room the following morning paid for by groom’s family for guests on both sides who are staying at the hotel. . The not invited spouse will not go near this room.

So there is a wedding @EugenieGreen and most if not all of the guests are going alone and all the spouses not invited

in a nice hotel which the couple have paid for not the b&g

yes I would go and use the spa etc as obv the wedding group won’t be using it

does seem a weird set up but guess if all partners not invited then no one to get the hump

i personally wouldn’t have mentioned partner coming to the wedding party

I would say it's fine. But also mortifying if you bump into anyone at the wedding while you nip back to your room from the spa! Maybe big sunglasses?

You should've just done it without telling anyone tbh. But they've kind of brought it on themselves by just inviting one for an overnight stay. I think providing you keep out of the way of the wedding shenanigans then all is good. And obvs don't incur any extra costs to them.

Seems very odd to me that the MotG has felt it necessary to give an opinion on this, as it has nothing whatsoever to do with her. Maybe she feels that the other not-invited spouses will hear about it and feel annoyed in some way, but still irrelevant, as they could presumably do the same, if they wished. Perhaps she thinks you'll involve yourself in some way, again causing drama because none of the other spouses were included—but if you don't do so, it's nothing to do with her.

Why do they need to be in a separate room, other guests won’t be in the room. Would be strange for a married couple to get two hotel rooms in the same hotel and kind of defeats the point of it

I don't see how MoG needs to know. As the not-invited spouse isn't going near any wedding related events. They can have an issue with it all they want, it isn't really any of her business. Unless the invited spouse had been asked (and accepted), sharing a twin room with another attendee, in order to maximise space, it really makes no difference who is actually in the room or using unrelated facilities.

I wouldn't get involved in any further discussions on the matter. Enjoy yourself!

Personally I wouldn't want to do this. I would feel awkward and I think it might come across as some sort of "statement". And you say there has been a small discount on the room for the wedding guest, so maybe a bit cheeky. I know that's not especially logical but that's my personal take on it.

I voted yanbu, but I would have breakfast in my room and would probably treat myself to a trip to the theatre for the evening so that I didn't bump into the wedding party.
If wedding spouse feels that they don't want to upset their Aunt then I would drop it.
Have you posted about this before op, this thread sounds familiar.

They don't want you there. Don't want you there. It does not matter if you bring your own food and pay for your room. They don't want you there.

I think it’s completely fine, the couple don’t own the hotel, you’re not planning to crash the wedding and the room had to be paid for anyway by the spouse so they could attend the wedding. I wouldn’t say any more about it, I’d just go and keep out of everyone’s way so they didn’t know I was there

Thinking about it more I definitely wouldn’t go and stay in the hotel if I was the other half not invited.

If the invited spouse has paid for the room then it’s up to them who goes in the room.

of course use the room. It has no impact on the wedding.

why are there so many uninvited spouses and why such a drama?

Why on earth would you want to do this? You were not invited to the wedding. Or your DH wasn’t. Just stay home or do something for you. I’d be embarrassed if my spouse wanted to do this.

Have you posted about this before OP? I’m almost certain I read about a spouse who was not invited to her DH’s siblings wedding but wanted to stay at the hotel?

The MOG has no right to stop the spouse being in areas of the hotel where other non-wedding guests can be, including a room not paid for by the B&G. The MOG is probably uncomfortable that the spouse might pop up at the wedding or within view of the invited guests and make things awkward/ help themselves to food and drink. But as long as that's not the case, it's fine. Id probably say that's ok, I understand, point taken and then just discreetly do what you want.

I had this with a cousins wedding which was no children. I had a new baby and was breastfeeding but really wanted to go to the wedding (i don't think i would bother now). I arranged for a nanny to come to the venue and mind the baby in a sitting room which was open to all guests, after checking with the hotel. I could then pop back and forth to feed and cuddle baby. Cousin pulled a face at this and kept encouraging me to book a hotel room to ensure the nanny and baby could not be accidentally seen if any of the wedding guests wandered that way. I said no to that as we weren't staying overnight and the hotel rooms were £300. I think she thought I was being difficult but in the end it was fine.

Use the room you have booked whichever way you choose .and with whoever you choose.
As long as they don't pass the wedding meal waving whilst dressed in a mankini

Then go and enjoy yourself! 😀

not really, just being there is trying to send a message.

The rest of the family might laugh and roll their eyes, there's no drama, but it's not a neutral move.

I'd say it's a fairly common scenario.

I don't see anything wrong with this. If OP's OH is paying for a room in a lovely hotel, then why shouldn't OP go and have a nice time? She's not planning on gatecrashing the wedding!