Wedding related would you do this? Outside perspective needed.

[EugenieGreen]

This is not a thread about decisions B&G have made.

Every one of the same ‘status’/‘tier’ has been treated exactly the same. No one has been singled out.

One spouse has been invited to a wedding on their side. Large famous hotel, they do not have exclusive use of this hotel but obviously have exclusive use of certain rooms etc.

The uninvited spouse wants to stay at the hotel which their spouse has paid for (at slightly discounted price). Watch a film in peace, use gym/ spa luxuriate a bit. Would be nowhere near wedding party, would not impinge, would not hang out with in-laws and spouse whose family it is, would not feel the need at any point to check in on spouse.

Aunt/mother of groom says not acceptable.

if you were spouse would you do this or do you think it’s rude? **

The issue is now that MOG has deemed it 'unacceptable', you really do need to think about if it could cause upset on the day.

It's too late now but I guess you could be got away with it if you hadn't said anything. To me I'd think I have zero control over what goes on in individual rooms. And MOG has no place claiming it's not on, but she's said it now.

Is it worth it to have to sneak about and maybe upset the wedding party? That depends on how close you are to them really. But to me MOG is out of order to give a shit. But it's not my wedding.

Surely the "contract" for the use of the room is between your spouse and the hotel, so what your spouse chooses to use it for is none of the wedding party's business. Other than your spouse being there for the wedding celebrations, what is their jurisdiction over your spouse (or you) before or after the event? Absolutely none! Unless they feel aggrieved about having arranged a discounted rate for wedding party guests, and are cross you personally might get some benefit from it.

I don't understand why on earth anyone considers this a no-no. They would only have a point if your spouse intended to snaffle a huge amount of food to bring up to you with wine etc, or if you planned on getting glammed up and joining in the evening reception uninvited, or if your spouse arranged to have a special overnight guest that wasn't you, maybe!

Yes I remember, and I think that’s a substantially different thing.

Going to a hotel which will have other guests as well, unrelated to the wedding, is totally fine imo.

Any attempt to insert yourself into wedding events, not fine. I’d include things like casual pre-wedding drinks the night before as something to avoid, even if it’s in the public bar with other non-wedding hotel guests around.

I ticked yanobu to go and have a ncie time in the way that you described. You're not attending the wedding things, you're having a bit of a spa break.

It's absolutely fine. Enjoy!

Absolutely you should use the room. If the wedding party had paid for everyone's rooms, then they might have a case for objecting. As it stands they are cheeky sods and should butt out!
I know it's not the question asked, but I just can't understand families that dont invite spouses. I think it's dreadful and poor form.

100% fine. The room has been paid for by your household not the B&G and the hotel is not exclusive use. Your partner would be paying the same whether you were there or not anyway so why not get a nice overnight out of it. Use the spa, put on a film and order some room service then you can go for a nice breakfast in the morning with your partner. Absolutely none of that is infringing on the wedding / wedding party.
As you say none of the spouses are invited could you organise something with all of them too? They could all stay over and the ones not going to the wedding could book a dinner together?

So it’s a cousin invite, & they’ve decided to go with JUST the cousin - no spouses or kids.

Fine.

However, whichever one of OP & DH is the spouse, would like to share the hotel room, use the hotel facilities, & generally enjoy the benefits of an expensive weekend they as a couple have paid for - whilst staying well away from the wedding celebrations.

ALSO fine.

Meanwhile, MOG has a problem with this (who put her in charge?).

Tbh, at this point, if I were the invited cousin, I’d be declining politely.

If the groom got in touch & asked why, I’d say ‘tbh we can’t justify budgeting for it - we did look at making it work, but my priority is not going to be a weekend away from my spouse that comes out of our joint budget - she/he was actually quite up for regarding this as a treat weekend & just using the hotel room & spa, but your mum said that wouldn’t be acceptable, so I honestly can’t justify a posh hotel for me on my own when we’re budgeting as a couple. Sorry mate, hope you have an amazing day…’

Totally fine - if they’re objecting then it’s because seeing you will make them feel bad about not inviting you! I would be asking all the other uninvited spouses to join me for a day in the spa!

completely agree with that, it looks like the non-invited spouse is making a point and is really miffed not to have been invited.

But when did other adults have the right to start dictating who stays in another adult's room for the night. The Auntie can do one. Is it potential fornication on the sabbath that she's worried about😂

How would they even know they were there if they were not involved in the wedding party in any way?

The MOG doesn't want the other spouse to come because she is embarrassed that they weren’t invited.

Booking a big fancy hotel but not budgeting for family member’s spouses is a bit “fur coat and nae knickers”

Personally, I would cancel the hotel room, rebook for another nearby hotel with similar amenities and use my hotel room as I pleased.

I’d be pretty disappointed in the MOG though.

If all the invited spouses have had to pay for the room anyway I'd be putting together a WhatsApp group for the "uninvited" and planning our own night out.

Bridal party do not own the hotel, nor do they have exclusive use of it, so anyone can book a room. The hotel staff cannot prevent this and I would be very surprised if the bridal party do actually find a way to engineer this with the cooperation of the hotel (I work in hospitality and have never heard of anything like this before).

I imagine the bridal party are concerned about an 'in-law' party developing aside from the bridal party, and that perhaps it being inevitable that, after some drinks, the 2 may merge in some form.

Very, very weird and unusual scenario.

I would possibly consider getting all the uninvited in-laws together for a party somewhere else if it really is going to cause problems.

I think the problem is telling them ahead of time.

I presume the MOG thinks it's a passive-aggressive stance because spouses aren't being invited, so they're saying it's unacceptable. I'm nosey about why the spouses aren't invited - keeping numbers down, drama involving one of them being awful, so easier not to invite the lot....

Anyway, now that the MOG has said that they don't want you there, if you do go, then its explicitly against their wishes, and that does feel a bit off. If you'd said nothing and either no one knew or it was handled discreetly on the day, it would have been better.

However, if you're still determined to go regardless, then out of politeness, I'd make sure there's no way to interfere with the wedding party, as PP said: don't pop in to the pre-wedding drinks the night before, casually hang around the lobby before the wedding starts to say hello to extended family, etc.

...actually I suppose what the bridal party are thinking is that they have negotiated a discounted rate at the hotel and that the uninvited spouses just want to take advantage of that, and use the hotel facilities at a discount.

I kind of can see it from that POV...

They didn't think of this when they booked this hotel, got the special rate but decided not to invite spouses, did they? I mean, they really should have foreseen this would happen! Or the posh hotel should have informed them...

In theory I think it’s fine but depends on the reason why they aren’t invited. If a case of just not enough space then don’t see why it would be an issue.
if not invited due to having had an affair with the groom/are their ex who left them for their brother (extreme scenario I know but you get the point) then stay away from the wedding

I think that, especially as the MOG has got wind of it, that I couldn't enjoy this as the uninvited spouse.

There'd be too much creeping around trying not to be seen.

And what if the invited spouse is asked what therir dh/dw is doing that weekend? They'd either have to lie, or tell the truth at which someone might say, well bring them down here for a drink at least!

It's a tangled web I tell you.

But why does it matter. If it’s not costing the bride and groom extra what the issue

Not sure why so many think the spouse not being invited to the wedding is any reflection on their character since as your post states, the B&G have made a decision about that "tier" of relation and the spouse hasn't been singled out.

On the face of it, I would say this is fine but it does depend a bit on the relationship between the spouse who isn't attending the wedding and their in laws. If it could be perceived as rattling someone's cage on their wedding day, then probably best not to do it but if everyone generally gets on well, the spouse who is going could possibly push back a bit since the room is already paid for and it would be a nice week-end away.

I don't personally think there is anything inherently wrong in the other partner having a relaxed day in the hotel but would like to hear the reason for the mother of the groom's reasoning before saying yeah, it's all fine. Maybe the groom's mother is the controlling type or maybe she's being unnecessarily bossy or thinks it will cause problems with other people who aren't at the wedding. Without asking her, who knows?

Only if they make a big deal of it.

I can see how it might make the bridal party feel uncomfortable, but realistically they can't stop the spouse staying. They might feel that it highlights the fact the person isn't invited and this makes things awkward. Maybe have breakfast in the room the day after as a compromise, if you want to save their feelings.

Feels a bit passive aggressive.

The fact that the mother of the groom was told in advance is a possible red flag. Was she told in a light and positive way that you might come and enjoy the hotel room and spa? Or had an issue already been raised along the lines that the not invited spouses are unhappy and in that context she was informed you would be at the venue during the wedding?

Why aren’t spouses invited? Who made that decision? Is the family a bit dysfunctional or is this a financial issue? Is it normal for the mother of the groom to be difficult or is this unusual? What reason did she give for her concern?

OP, you haven’t given us enough information to be able to give an accurate view as there are so many little details that could change things. How do you feel about not being invited? Is that the root issue?