Wedding related would you do this? Outside perspective needed.

[EugenieGreen]

This is not a thread about decisions B&G have made.

Every one of the same ‘status’/‘tier’ has been treated exactly the same. No one has been singled out.

One spouse has been invited to a wedding on their side. Large famous hotel, they do not have exclusive use of this hotel but obviously have exclusive use of certain rooms etc.

The uninvited spouse wants to stay at the hotel which their spouse has paid for (at slightly discounted price). Watch a film in peace, use gym/ spa luxuriate a bit. Would be nowhere near wedding party, would not impinge, would not hang out with in-laws and spouse whose family it is, would not feel the need at any point to check in on spouse.

Aunt/mother of groom says not acceptable.

if you were spouse would you do this or do you think it’s rude? **

Of course it's fine, and aunt/mother of the groom can mind their own business. It's far more of an issue that spouses have not been invited to the wedding, that tells me a lot about the family.

If I were the bride, I would expect some of the spouses to stay in those circumstances.

i think it’s fine if the wedding don’t know he’s there otherwise it looks like angling for an invite or hanging around to be told it’s ok to pop in. The fact the mother of the groom already knows is this sort of problem.

I completely get if you’ve paid for a room out of your own pocket you want to enjoy it. I don’t see any problem with that.

^^Agree with this. It looks weird and passive aggressive. I fully believe that to go where you’re obviously not wanted rarely leads to good things.
Sorry this has happened to you. I would be planning a nice couple of days for myself doing something completely different.

It seems a waste of the room a facilities for the spout not invited to the wedding to not go. I always feel a bit aggrieved when we stop in a fancy hotel for a wedding but don’t really get to enjoy it because we are busy with the wedding the entire time.

That should be ok , why is it up to them anyway ?

Have a nice weekend. I don't know why you would mention what your spouse is doing while you are at the wedding. You will enjoy the travel togeher.

I’ve been in this situation. I attended the wedding, while partner made use of facilities and nice hotel room for a couple of nights. He didn’t come to the wedding or the breakfast in the morning. It was fine. I don’t think the bride even knew he was there.

Yes, fine, especially as the room has been paid for by the couple! If the room was paid for by the bride and groom it would be more borderline but you can’t tell someone they can’t fully use something they’ve paid for!

I absolutely would go and stay! A relaxed evening in a hotel room would be lovely, especially if you can make use of the hotel facilities too. You’ve paid for the room yourselves so the unhappy aunt and mum can piss off, as far as I’m concerned. No one would even need to know.

I don’t think either side is behaving unreasonably.

Wedding guest lists are difficult. If the wedding is at a fancy hotel, it is likely that the wedding breakfast will not be cheap. Most people don’t have free rein to invite everybody they might want to the wedding.

Between us we have 4 parents, 4 siblings and 6 nephews/nieces. We would want all of them + partners there - so that’s 18 definite family members. Then there are 22 cousins and 10 aunts/uncles by blood. That’s 64 second degree relative guests if all spouses came. So that would be a guest list of 82 before you even start thinking about friends! I can understand why someone would make a decision not to invite cousins’ spouses, not because of any family fall out, but to control the number of guests.

Given that this cousin is paying for the room and the husband is not going to try to interpose himself into any of the wedding celebrations, I don’t see any problem. He’s just another hotel guest.

MoG doesn't want your DH there because she's embarrassed that he's not invited. If he wasn't there at all then it would be plausible that he just wasn't able to come. Being there makes it obvious he was available but not invited and it makes them look rude. Obviously he's not going to be there looking sad with his nose pressed up against the window and it's your hotel room so you can do what you like. She doesn't get to control what people who aren't invited can do, just as she doesn't get to control any of the other hotel guests.

Because it's a free stay in a fancy hotel with spa, etc . What's hard to understand about that?

@EugenieGreen you're doing nothing wrong. I would go in your place. Why would interfering bat MoG even need to know?

I have not read the full thread but expect the ‘no spouses invited’ is about cost.
Completely agree with those who said that as it is you are paying for the room, you decide whether your DH stays or not. It sounds fine.
Expect MoG is a bit embarrassed and perhaps there are issues with some family members you are not aware of? You are paying - you choose and it sounds as thought your DH will be actively avoiding causing any issues anyway. Have a nice weekend!!

I'd definitely make full use of the room & go along to use the spa etc. The wedding party doesn't have exclusive use of the hotel so it's irrelevant what anyone else does.

I would just attend by myself the chances of bumping in to someone are just too high. But this is a great lesson in just not sharing information. It’s because the Aunt has said something now it’s in defiance of a wish. Now whilst it is trivial it’s the sort of family calling out that is totally avoidable. MIL doesn’t like her SIL because she didn’t apologise for breaking something at her house about 40 years ago.

The Aunt is upset so all that will be seen is people are willing to upset a relative when no real harm is done by not using the room. Many will just be like the majority on here and think silly cow and others will think it’s unkind and easily avoidable.

It’s even worse for guests -fancy spa hotel that costs a lot and as a guest at the wedding you can’t generally make any use out of it as check in sat 3, out at 11 and you are either at wedding or have to do brunch the next day?
so no time to enjoy facilities you are paying for unless you pay for another night.

I think if all cousin spouses not invited it’s fine.
I personally wouldn’t tag along l, but to each their own.

I would do this as a spouse and no I don’t think it’s rude.

There's nothing hard to understand, but it feels a bit like freeloading even though Op's partner presumably is paying for himself.

If you have been asked not to do something on a family occasion I can't quite grasp why you would go against members of the bridal party's wishes. It's quite likely the request not to go came from the bride, and even if it didn't what are you hoping to achieve?

Just book yourself a spa hotel on your own and enjoy your weekend, just not in this one.

100% fine. In fact relatives of ours did just that at my son's wedding. We said they could come along to the evening reception if they liked (there was an open house for that!)

Good luck with that 😉

How’s it freeloading when OP and her DH have paid for their own hotel room?

I feel there is a backstory to this. On the face of it of course it feels fine, but the thread of it feels passive agressive as in “well I’m here so I might as well have a wander, oh I’ve bumped into so and so and oops I was just having a drink and look who’s here etc”. Unless you stay in the room and don’t venture out for anything then maybe, but it would be wrong to be spotted which you will be at some point, just feels antagonistic.

I've some sympathy for MOG in that it can be really awkward as a parent of a wedding couple who are doing something rude like not inviting spouses. You know it's rude but you're not the couple and you can't make them do anything but you're associated with the wedding anyway.