Wedding related would you do this? Outside perspective needed.

[EugenieGreen]

This is not a thread about decisions B&G have made.

Every one of the same ‘status’/‘tier’ has been treated exactly the same. No one has been singled out.

One spouse has been invited to a wedding on their side. Large famous hotel, they do not have exclusive use of this hotel but obviously have exclusive use of certain rooms etc.

The uninvited spouse wants to stay at the hotel which their spouse has paid for (at slightly discounted price). Watch a film in peace, use gym/ spa luxuriate a bit. Would be nowhere near wedding party, would not impinge, would not hang out with in-laws and spouse whose family it is, would not feel the need at any point to check in on spouse.

Aunt/mother of groom says not acceptable.

if you were spouse would you do this or do you think it’s rude? **

Who stays in the room is purely up to the person paying for the room. Why should anyone be expected to travel and pay for accommodation then be dictated to get their dp can’t be in the room

That's a bit different though. You were more distant from the B&G in those circs, so even if you had been seen it wouldn't have been awkward. If the B&G or the wedding party bump into the spouses they'll probably feel obliged to invite them in, and then it'll get contentious when the other spouses find out - so and so's spouse was there but I wasn't invited etc.

Weird decision not to include spouses, but I'd just respect it and stay away. It's a bit crass to attend, especially when you've specifically asked about using the room and been asked not to.

I cant see what it has to do with the bride, groom, family. Seems weird only inviting one of them though?

If it’s all say cousins I know if I went and my spouse was upstairs I’d stay until 9-10 then slip away. I’d be happy to catch up with cousins (and my aunts and in my case my parents and sibling) but my family would all be off earlier than later (being 40/70) and not wanting to down shots with family into the small hours.

if it’s all 20-30 something cousins maybe it would be different here.

Sounds perfectly fine. I once booked two rooms in the hotel and brought my mum and baby (both not invited) along for a wedding. We wouldn’t have attended otherwise as my mum could provide a few hours childcare but not solo overnight. It worked well. Neither of them attended anything wedding related and there were plenty of rooms. I bet groom’s mother is difficult about a lot of things.

it's not the same 😂

tagging along with work things, you obviously make the most of the circumstances. No one will ever imagine you'd wanted to join a business thing.
Same with hobbies. That's quite common, partners are around but can't be bothered to be included in anything hobby related and do their own thing.

A wedding? I think it's funny but the non invited guest is embarrassing themselves. They are allowed, but it's cringe for them.

I wouldn't go where I wasn't wanted but then neither would my DH so problem solved. They could stick their invite.

We have decided that we are still both going but really appreciate everyone’s input. I like it particularly when people differentiate between logic and emotion.

The wedding is mid/ late afternoon and we will check in early afternoon so there will be no drinks the night before .

I deliberately didn’t mention our respective positions as I wanted to avoid the ‘Do you not trust your husband?/“Is your husband controlling?” conversations. I was shocked when the majority assumed it was me tagging along; it is actually my cousin who is getting married.

I believe that my aunt is highly embarrassed about their choice around cousins’ partners (I do not know if friends’ partners are invited). The fact that my husband is coming to share my room came into conversation my mother was having with her.

There really hasn’t been drama as such, certainly not involving the B&G.

My sister can’t go, my brother wants to go but his wife won’t let him.

The B&G have invited their aunts and uncles and their spouses that they grew up with. My father has passed away as has my uncle’s first wife but his second wife wasn’t invited. The B&G did make concessions in this case when challenged (apparently Bride had similar scenario on her side but a divorced aunt/uncle).

It is ironic that my brother didn’t invite cousins and my uncle didn’t invite us but moaned about cousin’s choices.

The hotel has 300 rooms and the room that is being used is situated away from public areas; the room being used for the brunch is private so again the party won’t see my husband eating his full English.

I think it is highly unlikely that my husband will bump into anyone related to the wedding. In the unlikely event that he saw my cousin, I do not think cousin would feel guilty or obliged to include him.

You are absolutely doing the right thing. It's a hotel room you are paying for so you should be able to have who you like in it!

I think cousins weddings are madness. I went to one with my husband- his cousin's wedding. He sees his cousin once a year ( if that) and Id never met them. Yet we got the full 3 course meal. Seemed strange to me but then I only had 8 people at my wedding.

Good for you @EugenieGreen

There are some mad responses on this thread maybe some of the posters have never been to a hotel in real life and, as you have pointed out, a lot of assumptions which bear no relation to reality.

Hope you both have a lovely time.

this is why I love MN 😂

I love the passive aggressive little digs like
maybe some of the posters have never been to a hotel in real life

when posters don't agree with some of the comments. Classic 😂😂

I think it depends, I've got cousins I'm really close to, and then other ones I see about once every couple of years and were practically strangers.

I think if I got invited and not DH, and someone said "how's the family?" It would be really awkward to say "yeah all good, Dave's just doing some laps in the pool", or "they're great, Dave's up in the room watching a film".

I do understand if you're paying for a room you want to make the most of it, but if I wasn't invited I wouldn't go to the hotel and swerve all the family.

I genuinely wouldn’t feel awkward if our partners came up in conversation and I can’t imagine having the opportunity to have a long conversation with my cousin who is the groom.

It’s paid for so the spouse has every right to stay there, indeed they could have anyone staying in their double room that they’ve paid for.

That's ok then, if there isn't any awkwardness it doesn't matter.

Asking about partners/ family is done in a quick chat though isn't it? Would you say your partner was at the hotel if your cousin asked how he is?

I think it would be more awkward if the groom brought up the husband when he didn’t care enough to invite him! I’d be avoiding discussing spouses in that situation.

I agree, but after you've talked about the day (lovely), meal (so good!), venue (spectacular) etc...that's like two minutes... Would he not ask you anything back?
Nothing personal? How's work? Family alright?

I just think If I wasn't invited, I wouldn't go to the venue even if I was in the pool or bedroom the whole time, and no-one knew I was there, I'd feel uncomfortable. And I'd be mortified if someone from wedding saw me.

I already thought it was fine but given the extra information in your update I say crack on with your plans and have a good time.

There are 9 of us all together plus groom’s sibling, I know that my siblings won’t be there. One cousin did ring me asking if my husband was invited, I don’t know what decision he made and I know for definite three of us plus me have definitely said they are going.

I assume we will be seated together and we can have a good catch up which will probably include talk of partners and kids.

I won’t NOT mention that husband is around. I think one of my cousins would want to meet him if he was free the next day after the brunch but no way would this impinge on B&G.

As for the groom I can’t think we would have a long conversation and even if he asked how family was I probably wouldn’t mention husband was staying too because I don’t think it’s particularly significant to him but nor do I think he would care particularly.

The groom is my first cousin but a different generation really. He is a nice guy and I am excited to be going.

If aunt and uncle-in-law asked husband to brunch which they are paying for we would absolutely decline so other not invited partners wouldn’t misconstrue our intentions.

I have been to two weddings alone, one DH was invited to but couldn’t go and one he was not invited to.

When they aren't paying for the room, it really is none of their business who uses it.
I am not fond of weddings so your husband is getting the best deal here IMO.

Sounds like B&G don’t like the spouse so don’t want them there

No it doesn't sound like that at all. None of the spouses have been invited.

No it doesn't. Weird response.

This. It sounds like you want to prove some point. Sneaking around and trying not to be seen. Best to stay home. It’s embarrassing behaviour on your part.

@Makebelieveanotherlife

Why would there be "sneaking around"?

Will the other hotel guests who have nothing to do with the wedding be "sneaking around" and trying not to be seen?

OP's partner will be a paying guest of the hotel and has just as much right as any of the other guests to use the hotel facilities that have been paid for.