To want to stop paying all Xmas hosting costs

[Grinch26]

Morning,

After some constructive advice really.

For the last 10 years approx I have gone back to my widowed mum's for Xmas.

I buy all food and drink and cook for her friends and neighbours Xmas day and boxing day and other days just her and me or maybe the odd one of her friends joins.

Mum has plenty of money , it's just one of those family patterns which we keep repeating.

I'm looking at retirement in the not too distant future ( work restructuring and I think getting a new role in late 50s will be a challenge ) and want to see if we can share the costs a bit more equitably , and ask the neighbours and friends to contribute by bringing something maybe a desert or cheese etc

Am I being being tight ? And how would I go about it if not ?!

Its prob 500 odd of food and drink and I would feel better if cost shared , I'm happy to do all cooking and also recognise that mum is hosting in her home so paying for utilities etc

Tbh, I reckon you ought to book to go away somewhere instead and tell them you’re not going to be there to host.

otherwise, text your mum now and say you’re not able to pay for everything anymore as circumstances have changed. What does she want to do? Scale back? Cover the costs herself? Ask neighbours to bring courses. Put this back on her.

then drop the whole thing.

"Hi Mum just to let you know I'm planning to retire so need to adjust my spending.
I won't be able to afford to cover Xmas as I have the past 10 years.

I'll come and visit Xmas day morning but will come back home for my dinner here."

Or visit Xmas Eve or Boxing Day, but just tell her you're no longer supplying the works.

YANBU I think there is an uncomfortable conversation to be had. We've somehow got into a situation where we take food to my parents or starve, every visit.

I think people often don't even consider the cost of Christmas food and drink. It is just a roast, leftovers and a bottle of plonk to them. I fear you need to spell out the costs to your mum, and your drop in income. Utilities come nowhere near your financial, logistical and catering contribution.

If you want to continue going to your mums and hosting neighbours/friends then I would message/talk to your mum and say you’re no longer able to pay for everything and how is best to arrange things going forward.

• you still buy everything but split the cost between everyone
• everyone brings a dish and a bottle of wine (or whatever works!)

Or if it’s all just a bit too much, make other arrangements altogether. But I think it’s really cheeky that everyone has been allowing you to cover all costs and labour and not contributing anyway! Definitely change that.

Thanks, I've been saying I will be retiring for the last year but it doesn't seem to be sinking in!

It's more pressing this year as my home needs some work done and I don't want to be 500 quid down at Xmas before I've even thought about presents !

One of my siblings is also staying at Xmas this year but they are skint ! So I'm getting nervous at the costs involved in hosting or paying for 2 large meals and drinks Xmas day and boxing day for 10!

Do love Xmas however

Do you actually enjoy spending your Christmas like this?

Wouldn’t that £500 be a significant contribution towards a Christmas holiday for you?

Yes it's easy to fall into this, do you bring everything for everyone or just for you?

Hard question, I feel guilt if I don't as mum is elderly and I want her to have a good Xmas, however its financially costly , takes alot of planning and I go home knackered!

Invite her to yours, so you don’t have to fork out for all her friends and neighbours

£80 per person
3 course
Xmas day lunch
Plus tea or coffee
All other drinks are extra
Local pub

I would expect guests to bring a bottle ot chocs, biscuits, plant

How about Hi mum just to let you know that I am more than happy to cook for everyone over Christmas as usual, but due to various commitments, I won't be able to provide the food, as I usually do. Not sure if you want to buy it, or get your friends to chip in. Let me know what you want to do.

Ok I get your Mum but seriously how on earth do you end up having to pay for all the other random guests to you? That's completely bonkers!!

What’s the worst that could happen if you ask for a financial contribution from your Mum? If she says no, you tell her you can’t cover the cost so an elaborate Christmas dinner won’t be happening.

OP, I completely understand your difficulty, as family always expect things to carry in as they always have been for ever! Are you in a position to invite your DM and skint sibling to yours? Otherwise, I’d compromise, and tell DM that you will be happy to provide food for Christmas Day but she will have to provide for Boxing Day guests. TBH I think it’s pretty shocking that your DM has let YOU buy food for HER guests for the last ten years….

Wow, can’t believe she hasn’t been putting in . You are being used. Especially with her friends and neighbour’s there too . Time to put a stop to it . Just tell the truth .

I'd say that is all you need to get the conversation kicked off.

If you hosted your mum and sibling would that help? It would vastly reduce the cost, you still have a lovely Christmas but you aren't paying and doing everything for 3 days. Which honestly doesn't seem like a very nice Christmas to me, you are a Christmas Cinderella!

Definitely a conversation needed! We have always had the agreement in our family that whoever is hosting & doing the cooking doesn’t pay towards the cost, it is split between everybody else.

So last year my parents hosted & cooked and between all guests we split all shopping costs. Slightly more difficult as I suppose your mum is the one hosting & you are the one cooking but I’d still have the conversation and request splitting the bill £x ways depending on who is attending and when or have it so that rather than sending money each person is allocated some stuff to bring to split the cost that way.

Message her.
Hi Mum
I've been telling you for the past year that I am retiring so obviously cannot continue to pay for Christmas dinner at yours for all your friends. It's usually about £500-£600 and I just can't afford it from now on.
What do you want to do?
Ask everyone to provide something off a list? Pay for it yourself?
Or have just us & sibling & we'll split it?
Have a think & I'll call you later.

This puts the ball in her court & will hopefully make her realise just how much it puts on you financially as well as physically.

Indeed and make it a face to face conversation.

I think you have to be a lot more direct about cost being prohibitive for you, with an approximation of what the cost is and how much you're willing to pay this year. Dropping hints about retirement can sometimes just be heard as you'll have a lot more free time, not that you're short of money and worried about it. And being skint shouldn't stop your sibling from doing a share of the labour, but you'll likely have to "direct" as after ten years it'll be seen as your "managing Christmas" and no one will want to "interfere" even if they'd be willing and able to do specific tasks.

I think this is quite good. I do feel your pain. We host Christmas every year. And it’s not just Christmas Day, it’s Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and we usually have houseguests for a week. No one has ever offered to bring anything or contribute to the costs. One year, BIL did buy us a round of drinks at the pub. 🙄 It can easily cost £500-800 and that’s not including gifts. No one else can or will host due to tricky family dynamics. But I feel like a bloody all inclusive resort. It means we get no proper time as a family over Christmas either because we’re running around making everyone else’s Christmas nice. Then I got cancer a few years ago and put a stop to it. Can’t be arsed anymore.

Could you position it as a cap on costs. So say "mum I'm happy to fund food costs to only to the tune of £200/cover the cost of the turkey only/pay for xxx. So anything over will need to be funded by others "

Just stop - it’s not just the expense it’s a lot of work for you. I am younger than you (a bit) and I find it knackering