To want to stop paying all Xmas hosting costs

[Grinch26]

Morning,

After some constructive advice really.

For the last 10 years approx I have gone back to my widowed mum's for Xmas.

I buy all food and drink and cook for her friends and neighbours Xmas day and boxing day and other days just her and me or maybe the odd one of her friends joins.

Mum has plenty of money , it's just one of those family patterns which we keep repeating.

I'm looking at retirement in the not too distant future ( work restructuring and I think getting a new role in late 50s will be a challenge ) and want to see if we can share the costs a bit more equitably , and ask the neighbours and friends to contribute by bringing something maybe a desert or cheese etc

Am I being being tight ? And how would I go about it if not ?!

Its prob 500 odd of food and drink and I would feel better if cost shared , I'm happy to do all cooking and also recognise that mum is hosting in her home so paying for utilities etc

“Hi Mum, I’ve been thinking about Christmas and how, in the past, so many people seem to just rely on me buying food and drink, you hosting at yours and them simply contributing nothing other than their presence.
As I’m thinking of retiring and will therefore have limited income I’d like to suggest to your friends that, if you still feel you want them all coming to yours, everyone pledges to bring something. Let’s face it Mum, they’ve been fed and watered for years and it hasn’t cost them a penny! What do you think”?

Keep it lighthearted and kind……but don’t be a pushover OP. Some people will take, take, take and give bugger all back……the longer you allow it, so it will continue.

@Grinch26 to be honest if your mother buys her own food the rest of the year I think it unlikely that she is unaware that this is costing you a packet. However I am not blaming you as I fell into meeting this expectation with elderly relatives.

so here we go with my suggestions if she says no to coming to yours ( and she will)

1. Cost of living Mum we are going to have to cut back - I can provide this meal, these drinks, happy to cook if you want to entertain more but you will have to buy the stuff
2. This Christmas thing has got out of hand Mum- last year I spent £X - itemise it. Will we split the cost for your meals with your friends 50/50 this year?
3. In advance of Christmas shall we agree who is buying what for the menus - we can probably get better deals now and put it in our respective freezers

I have a good, excellent friend. She's 82 and wants Christmas at her home, and carries the expenses for close family and friends.

It's never as straight forward as she wants it be. Some of us talk about food expenses (she's on a state pension) and how we minimise her costs for 20 + guests. She also never lifts a finger with preparations or clearing.

She is a wonderful woman and some things can't be discussed with her because she doesn't have the money or the strengh she still wants to have. And it's fine with us. As long as she organises Christmas at her home, she's happy.

People don't fall into neat categories.

The friends and neighbours are royally taking the piss. I can't believe this has been going on for 10 years with them never even bothering to bring a bottle of wine and neither you nor DM speaking up.
Time to have a chat with your DM.
(And by the way, utilities costs incurred by your DM are tiny in comparison to your contribution).

People are selfish. Through work I met so many different cultures, all sorts of religions, but what they had in common - they loved to boast of the culture of 'everyone gets together at a big table, endless speeches, endless food, all together, talking, laughing, having the best time'. You see that idiotic picture in brochures, one MNer even posted something along those lines on here a while back - would you not like to be in this picture - all at the Mediterranean table, enjoying themselves.

No bastard gives a thought about those who prepare the food and everything for that table - nobody gives a shit what hassle it is for the women. All they bleat on is 'lovely time, fab memories, big table, all happy'.

Some sadistic bastards even invent a story - 'oh, my mum loves guests, she loves baking, she adores spending time with grandchildren' - aye, right, like she was given a choice between watching the little snotty bastards and a nice European river cruise....

So maybe your mum's neighbours are genuinely selfish and stupid to boot, so they think that you all are enjoying it?

I think the only people who would enjoy such a set-up are lords and ladies of the manor, who have servants to prepare the meals and clear up, and the money to pay for it all, whilst they 'receive guests' and enjoy the badinage at the long lovely table.

I would go with wording 1 of these suggestions OP.

I think it is a reasonable thing to raise, but in doing so you don't want to retrospectively tarnish all the effort and expense of the previous ones by suggesting you were resenting it. I think 2. does this a bit, so would go with 1., which suggests it is a new issue for you.

3 is confusing and passive aggressive as it proceeds on the basis that you both know the arrangement has changed without actually saying so. Just be straightforward and communicative: there is nothing wrong in saying you can't afford it to the same extent now, provided you don't imply you resent what you have been doing in the past. I mean some posters will say you SHOULD say you resent it, but I can't see that as anything but destructive of happy memories at this point - memories that have cost you dearly in terms of time, money and effort.

Gosh. I feel like curling up and giving up now. That was an utterly depressing picture of festivity and convivial companionship.

I agree tasks and costs need to be shared or handled fairly, but I disagree that these cannot be wonderful events.

Wow just Wow
Yes neighbours may be nice to your mum but my god you pay and do all that several times during the year ?

Good you asked mum if she would like to come to you at xmas but if she declines then you will need to say

That costs f everyhing have gone up over the years and you are so its not doable to pay for everything any longer.

This includes other celebrations other than Xmas so everyone contributes a dish and a bottle of drink each. As for skint relative ot applies to her as well

Is it possible that some of the friends and neighbours have also started thinking "AIBU if I tell Marjorie two doors down that I don't really want to attend her Xmas/ Boxing Day feast and festivities this year, and would rather..
...sit at home in my pyjamas watching TV by myself?
...go somewhere sunny for a nice holiday?
...visit some of my relatives for a change?
--eat Chinese food, rather than that huge traditional 5-course meal that Grinch always makes?"

Maybe they feel trapped by the weight of expectations, the perceived need to be 'nice' and accept your mum's invitation, etc.

Inviting your mum (and sister) to yours instead this year gives everyone a chance to re-set, and do something different, instead of getting stuck in the same rut.

Someone else in her street might step up to host instead. And in 2027 it could turn into more of a shared 'potluck' 'bring items for the buffet' kind of event...

So do I .

Please start putting your own needs first and be generous after those are being met.
You call your sibling skint..and wouldn't dream of asking them to contribute, but don't you also have large bills to pay and retirement to save for?

Doesn't that make you too skint to keep paying out for other people too?

I couldn't believe it when you were saying you source, cook and pay for everything... but that your mum was paying for utilities whilst you stayed there, as if that was any real contribution at all!
Was that something you thought of or was it pointed out to you.
You are a family member, not a free catering service.
Your labour is very valuable, worth more, I think, than the £500-£600 you are paying out for the food. Sounds like you don't get much help there either. Why should you have to spend Christmas being everyone else's servant and go home poorer and knackered! I think your relatives are being very very selfish.

Just because the expectation is there, doesn't mean you are obliged to keep doing this forever.

You sound like a kind generous soul but you also need to look at your own priorities.
Ask for what you want and don't let the resistance of others deter you.
And don't soften it by offering to meet half of the costs for 10 people!
That is a slippery slope that will end in you still paying for the bulk of it.
You either mean this or you don't. No half measures because cutting back on anything will seem harsh to you at this point because of the long term expectation.

I sympathised because we had to host nearly 20.. and I did everything, for people who were not even nice to me. It was miserable. We had to scrimp our way through January. When I finally called time, I was made to feel extremely guilty.. But do you know what.. that was 100 better than feeling utterly financially drained and worn out.

I also worry when you say that all this is before you even start thinking about paying for Christmas presents. I bet these are equally over generous. Take a look at how equally and fairly those are organised next.

I agree with this. Tell your mum you’re not able to keep paying £500 for Christmas food and drinks again. What does she want to do? If she refuses to pay anything and suggests you don’t bother then stay home and enjoy your relaxing Christmas.

This, and its makes me wonder about your relationship with your mum. Do you feel she likes showing off her daughter's dedication in doing all this? It's when you said she would know you were irritated by paying if you said anything - are you worried about her reaction?

Totally agree with this.

We routinely have friends joining at Xmas and we ask that one brings cheese, crackers and chutney and the other brings some booze. Otherwise it costs us a small fortune, plus we have to cook it and clear it all up.

Really like having them, but not prepared to run a bloody hotel or restaurant at own expense.

Reading this thread is enlightening. Not all of us have the same experiences, and there is a huge chasm between them.' I always shake my head using "culture" as an excuse for selfish parenting.

OP, you simply can't afford to keep the Christmas you mother expects - it's your reality. Your options are not rocking the boat and damage yourself and your finances, present and future, or have a frank conversation with her saying "I can't continue, because it's not sustainable". You can put it in nicer words but it's the line you shouldn't cross.

If your mother loves you and has a minium understanding about you and your future, it shouldn't be a problem. If she doesn't....well.....that's a whole different issue.

Why does it have to mean you're irritated? I thought it was just about a change in fiscal situation i.e. Cost of living means price of things has sky rocketed in 10 years and you are looking to retirement. To me that doesn't scream irritation, it's says a woman making careful financial decisions by asking others to contribute, which is very reasonable.

But flip it on its head, why does it matter if your mum knows you have felt irritated? Do you not have the kind of relationship where you can be emotionally honest with her?

This is fair. It's not like you're abandoning her/letting people down, you just don't want it costing you way more than the others (different if you were much richer and they were starving).
If one person always does it, everyone should chip in.

Thanks everyone, I have invited her to mine at Xmas, she is thinking about it.

I do need to break the habit but as a pp said I sometimes wonder how many Xmas we have left so don't want friction

I get that, but going forward if you can't afford it, then that's that. By ringing the changes you could end up having just as good a time, albeit differently.

Oh Lord dear @Grinch26

It's not just Christmas but Easter, 2 May Bank Hols and August Bank hol
At approx £500 a piece that's £2,500 a year! Not to mention that instead of having a rest, or some time off over the various holiday weekends. You are planning, shopping, cooking, laying tables, serving and cleaning up afterwards.
So you go back to work again, poorer and worn out.

It's not sustainable dear OP. Make some plans that the next bank holiday you will go to a spa or go hiking in the lake district or a European City break, or just relax at home and get the repairs you talked about done... and spend some some of your time and your money on yourself for a change. Take your mum too if you want. on one of your trips.

You are clearly a kind person, but now you have to start being kind to yourself x

Completely

The other adults are taking the Pss. A bottle for wine does not cover all the cost of food etc.
They don't even clear up?! Outrageous.

You need to be open and honest with your mum now. Say you aren't able to afford to pay for everything now and ask her what is the alternative going forward. She's being a bit selfish to assume you'll be doing this every year 😞

I wouldn't do this. If the OP makes sure she gets money upfront from everyone, otherwise,I'm guessing here,but the neighbours can't be relied on to bring any food or drink. The op deserves a break for Christmas anyway.

I know you're feeling emotional about it all but you are being taken for a mug. I'm sorry 😞

I'd be interested to know how this has come about, and how the precedent was set that you always pay for everything?

I think it is lovely what you do, but there is no way you should be paying for it all too.

Offering to host your mum at yours is a good way to kick off the conversation that it is costing you a bit too much to do it at hers and have to pay for everything for everyone, it is a way of telling her it is getting too much without refusing to host. If she is not keen on the idea of coming to you, she may offer to pay and keep it at hers, she should be doing that anyway in fairness.

No more freebies: Say to everyone, not your DM, if you are joining us for Christmas Dinner it's £? per person (the cost includes drinks). When costing make sure everyone pays a extra so that you have enough so your dinner and your DM's is included. Plus take home ALL the leftovers (some people think because they gave you money for their dinner they are entitled to take leftovers).