To want to stop paying all Xmas hosting costs

[Grinch26]

Morning,

After some constructive advice really.

For the last 10 years approx I have gone back to my widowed mum's for Xmas.

I buy all food and drink and cook for her friends and neighbours Xmas day and boxing day and other days just her and me or maybe the odd one of her friends joins.

Mum has plenty of money , it's just one of those family patterns which we keep repeating.

I'm looking at retirement in the not too distant future ( work restructuring and I think getting a new role in late 50s will be a challenge ) and want to see if we can share the costs a bit more equitably , and ask the neighbours and friends to contribute by bringing something maybe a desert or cheese etc

Am I being being tight ? And how would I go about it if not ?!

Its prob 500 odd of food and drink and I would feel better if cost shared , I'm happy to do all cooking and also recognise that mum is hosting in her home so paying for utilities etc

Blimey!

To coin a phrase, I think you need to check your (financial) privilege.

Do you really think 10 years of freeloading by the OP's mum's friends and neighbours is acceptable?

To be fair the neighbours per couple will bring a bottle of wine with them
But it's still an expensive meal Xmas day and boxing day, the starters , the meat, the booze, the cheese board the pudding the chocolates etc it really does add up over a few days
And yes I am sat there thinking I have done all the prep, shopping, laying the table , cooking and serving and have paid for it all

It is time to stop, just guilt as my mum is elderly and I want her to have a good Xmas and repay her friends and neighbours kindness in the year to her as she is widowed

Usually for the four or five of us, but more for events.

Your mum's a piss-taker, sorry. She can't be unaware that you are footing the bill for not only her but several hangers on. I'd never let my child do that. I could understand you paying for your mum if she's in tough circumstances, but the neighbours etc? They are piss-takers too. That's outrageous.

Brilliant idea! And her other daughter will be there, no?
That threesome could be very inexpensive yet very enjoyable, with nothing omitted that they all love at Christmas. Sounds smashing to me.
(Those neighbours and friends of her mum can shift for themselves, no doubt, but best be ready to repel any last minute suggestions that they come along too)

I don't think this needs to be a difficult conversion at all.... all you need to say is "Mum - I ended up spending £500 on xmas food last year, and I really can't afford to do the same again. What do you want to do instead?".

Excellent plan. (Ensure she knows it’s either your place or no OP at all.)

I don't think I would ask for contributions. Just cater for you and your Mum or make other arrangements. Too awkward to start asking for donations imho.

Seen your update. Good idea.

OP isn’t a professional hostess and entertainer! It all sounds utterly exhausting, and would do were one a mere slip of a girl never mind a woman in her late 50s.

Send them to Butlins (they pay!) if they want this all-in catering/rave up holiday scene.

oh god no. 10 years of paying for Christmas is enough!

What do your mums neighbours and friends do for her during the year op. ?

Physically and mentally are important aspects: the having to do everything, irrespective of the cost, from breakfast to supper (incl for randoms) for days on end! Planning entertainment!
It’s unbelievably selfish of these people to take for granted such a performance and expense for a feckin decade, and not even offer to give OP a break, never mind a bottle of Champagne for her exhausted self. .

If I were your mum I'd be happy to pay if I had the funds to do so.

Who does the cleaning and washing up after the meals out of interest?

Your mum never offered to contribute anything, and it’s hard to believe she doesn’t realise how unfair that feels.

If it were my mum, I’d feel comfortable saying something like, “Can you bring dessert?” or “Could you sort the turkey this year?” Just basic, fair contributions. Most parents want to treat their kids now and then, especially knowing that the state will take a huge chunk of their savings if they ever need long‑term care. It’s sad.

How is it always that the first answer nails it?

I can understand this as I have often felt the same. But what about YOUR good Christmas? Your mum is an adult, not a toddler who must be made to feel that she got a good haul of toys and a yummy dessert. It's not on you to go home financially and physically depleted so your mum can feel pampered. No one is pampering you. There needs to be more balance in this relationship.

If guilt were even applicable, it’d be in not seeing her. Surely your company is the gift, not the mountains of food and the hotel catering.
So bring her to your house, with a cosy room made up for her, and wash your hands of the rest of her street for good.

You do not owe the neighbours material recompense for their being neighbourly to your mother, so quit that guilt.
Anyway, they’ve had a damn good run of lavishly catered Christmases, and ça suffit.

I am amazed your mum has allowed this to continue for 10 years without contributing plus the others tbh. I would love to rock up to Christmas with a bottle of wine.

Just be honest and say you can’t afford it.

Let us know how she responds. Is there a reason you don't feel comfortable doing as you usually do but asking for a financial contribution from her?

Can you opt to do one day and then see if your sister / mum will share the others? With your sister being skint, that would rather force the conversation of budgets.

It’s a really lovely thing you are doing - I am also a bit 😮 that your mum hasn’t offered to fund it. However, I also have single elderly relatives who come to Christmas festivities and honestly have just accepted they are totally clueless about the cost of big meals and entertaining. I assume because it’s so much easier feeding one on a budget.

I also find when asked to bring something, they’ll bring enough for a small portion of the party, like a pudding for 2 to 4 or 1x bottle of wine - even though they know how many people are coming. I have managed to be more prescriptive over the years, such as please could you bring a bottle of baileys. Or please could you bring 2 bottles of wine - one for you and one for the table.

You are fair to try and tackle it now you want to scale back. Don’t feel guilty.

First establish your goals.
Is it to stop the expenditure/freeloading
Or the actual work for the number of guests
Or the lack of help from other attendees
Or the fact that you'd rather be spending Christmas elsewhere.
Or a mix of the above.?

You must use the cost of living and your future job insecurity as basis of a serious conversation with your mother to the effect that unless others start helping with shopping/costs/work, you are not doing it anymore. Don't let her ignore the issue.

This year you can offer to book them into a nice hotel for Christmas lunch at about £150 -200 per head at your mothers invitation . Find out what your mother is prepared to do . She may be old but it sounds like she can afford it.. She might be perfectly happy going to nice hotel and paying for everything or happy to ask the others to pay up.

If she doesn't want the hotel option then you need to look at a Task and Finish
List to send to all attendees explaining that you are unable to take on all the organising and work and cost this year and ask for volunteers to take on the tasks and not to turn up empty handed.

Online deliveries can be organised by the others or on behalf of your mum if she allows you to use her bank card. If there are no volunteers for all the tasks, delete the task and recirculate the final list with their names against it, explaining that anything not listed won't be organised this year. If you end up with buffet lunch that's what it will be.

Organise a secret Santa if present buying is involved.

Or just tell you mum you are going away yourself this year for a break and that you will visit her in the new year .

Be polite, kind but assertive . It won't change unless you change.

I’m sure her mother knows how much things cost . But even if she does think prices are still like the 90s, she should still have been putting in.