To want to stop paying all Xmas hosting costs

[Grinch26]

Morning,

After some constructive advice really.

For the last 10 years approx I have gone back to my widowed mum's for Xmas.

I buy all food and drink and cook for her friends and neighbours Xmas day and boxing day and other days just her and me or maybe the odd one of her friends joins.

Mum has plenty of money , it's just one of those family patterns which we keep repeating.

I'm looking at retirement in the not too distant future ( work restructuring and I think getting a new role in late 50s will be a challenge ) and want to see if we can share the costs a bit more equitably , and ask the neighbours and friends to contribute by bringing something maybe a desert or cheese etc

Am I being being tight ? And how would I go about it if not ?!

Its prob 500 odd of food and drink and I would feel better if cost shared , I'm happy to do all cooking and also recognise that mum is hosting in her home so paying for utilities etc

Time to stop, OP

YANBU in the slightest

It's time to take the bull by the horns op.

I can't believe that you pay all the costs and your mother has never brought up the topic? It's totally ridiculous to continue this. Please have a conversation with her to get this sorted!

You will have to consider how you are going to collect the contributions. Everything seems more complex with the over 70s!

Me but I use the dishwasher and tidy as I go

Given what you say you cover I’d be surprised if you could even do it for £500 with the amount prices have risen. You definitely are not being unreasonable and I don’t think it should be that difficult to discuss in the circumstances. Maybe your mum will just cover after having it all just provided for 10 years, she probably has no concept of the cost if she’s not done it in so long though.

Company and friendship !

I wouldn’t dream of expecting someone to foot the bill for large gatherings . Far fairer if everyone contributes, one brings starters , meat , veg , deserts, cheese wine you get the picture.
Retirement is a perfect opportunity to reassess this . No-one reasonable would object .

I cross-posted with your update @Grinch26! Very good idea to ask her to come to you this time. Will help to break the expensive 'habit' you've ended up with.

Too awkward really as that means she will know I'm irritated at funding every Xmas food and drink

I also go back at Easter and bak holiday weekends and do the same

You are an absolute trooper for doing this all these years. Do the neighbours ever invite you, your sibling and your back? I get the party, Christmas/Boxing day but why are you buying and making breakfasts for 5 days.

I think asking your mum over to yours is good. Less cooking, less expense. Don't cave if she says no. Keep us updated.

Just a side note. I love Christmas and I beginning adding to odd non spoil items to a weekly big shop. The odd bottle, mixers, after Halloween things like cheese biscuits, snacks, sweets, chocolates etc. In Derry Girls it was the Christmas cupboard.

Jesus yanbu.

this is a joke.
take the hundreds of punds and book yourself into The Pig or go abroad for christmas...

I think rather than making alternative arrangements, excuses, or skirting around the issue, or not doing it at all to make a point, you just need to have a really frank conversation about money.

You've said in your OP your mum has plenty of money so it seems like the issue is the financial imbalance above everything else.

In the first instance, discuss the money really blatantly and make any subsequent decisions based on how that goes.

Times are tough and living costs are going through the roof. You can't afford to spend so much on Christmas with extendee family, her friends and neighbours as you used to,

Tell her so. If you can't afford what she expects, because she's grown into the expectation for years, you need to say it clearly. She may have the money, but it's easier for her not to worry about Christmas' celebratioins if someoene else (you) cope with the expenses and work.

No easy way to do this except saying you can't afford it and won/t do it. You know your mom and know how to sweeten a bitter pill.

Money is tighter for a lot of people these days. It won't come as a surprise to anyone that things cost more than they did only a few years ago. If you do end up going to see her and having friends and neighbours over, I wouldn't feel awkward about either asking for contributions or scaling back on what you serve/how many people are invited.

I agree that the easier way is to invite her to yours this year to break the pattern of assumption that you'll provide it all—however if you're doing something similar for Easter and bank holidays (and will eventually go back to hers for future Christmases), it's inevitable that everyone involved will have to shift their expectations, sooner or later.

Don't feel guilty! You've been very generous for years, but nothing lasts forever. It's not unreasonable to want and need to adjust your expenditures over time.

I mean come on…you have got to stop this madness.

I think, though, the planning and effort is probably still greatly appreciated by her, even if she needs to contribute cost-wise.

You won't be not giving her a good Christmas by asking her to contribute.

I suppose I have one question, though, prompted by specific circumstances I have witnessed IRL: how many more such Christmases do you expect? I have a friend who raised an issue like this with the way her Dad had been expecting Christmas to be organised and he died before they had had another two. She said she wished she had left things be and not had the discussion, as the limited time for the arrangement to play out hadn't been worth the upset.

You're absolutely mad to have been paying for everything! Why has it never crossed your mind to say you expect a contribution?

Fuck me .! Friends and neighbours?? Don't these people have families of their own . Can't understand this many people ending up in your mother's house . Very harsh but no way would I be paying this amount of money to have Christmas for people who are not even my family . And are they all so oblivious that no one offers to contribute anything . You are a very nice person OP but being taking advantage of .

Yes that's the issue also !

And what is wrong with her knowing that ?

So you feed and water the neighbours multiple times a year just for being friendly to your mum? I bet if you quantify how much each person does, it will turn out to be extremely minimal and it would cost less to have paid help. People can be extremely selfish when it comes to thinking that they are being repaid. I wonder how many of these people leave with food parcels from you? The fact that only some of them turn up with a single bottle of wine says it all. We only go for drinks to friends and take a couple of bottles of wine, beers and homemade nibbles and treats.

I’m pleased that you are going to ask your mum to come to you this year but don’t be surprised that some people will resent you for ruining THEIR Christmas.
If you feel that you wish to thank people, a bottle of wine or some flowers at Christmas or a simple buffet in the summer will suffice.

I think this, no amount of conversation will sink in about the cost, but a year off will make them properly aware. Then you can go to an all chip in basis.
I think that they will think you are exaggerating about the cost until they experience it.

If they were driving her to weekly appointments or shopping for her and mowing the lawn, that would make me view the situation differently. But it sounds as though she just spends time with them.

Some nice flowers two or three times a year would be fine, OP.

I would just be honest with her, she will probably be more than happy to cough up the costs, than have you not turn up. It sounds like a lovely time, and it sounds apart from the costs you enjoy it, let her know x