To want to stop paying all Xmas hosting costs

[Grinch26]

Morning,

After some constructive advice really.

For the last 10 years approx I have gone back to my widowed mum's for Xmas.

I buy all food and drink and cook for her friends and neighbours Xmas day and boxing day and other days just her and me or maybe the odd one of her friends joins.

Mum has plenty of money , it's just one of those family patterns which we keep repeating.

I'm looking at retirement in the not too distant future ( work restructuring and I think getting a new role in late 50s will be a challenge ) and want to see if we can share the costs a bit more equitably , and ask the neighbours and friends to contribute by bringing something maybe a desert or cheese etc

Am I being being tight ? And how would I go about it if not ?!

Its prob 500 odd of food and drink and I would feel better if cost shared , I'm happy to do all cooking and also recognise that mum is hosting in her home so paying for utilities etc

OP, I do hope that you will give serious consideration to the option of you and your Mum going to a lovely hotel for a special Christmas together instead.

Which region of the UK do you live in?

Yanbu. No way would I be spending that kind of money yearly to host my mums friends and neighbours. I would either say everyone needs to chip in x amount each or bring a dish and a bottle or take turns hosting.

Time for a direct conversation. Let her know you're likely to retire soon and have some large costs to improve your home before that so need to reduce Christmas costs. Asking to split the costs with her and any siblings who attend isn't unreasonable. If the don't agree maybe just go for the day and do a more scaled back roast.

Why not read the thread @PerkyPinkZebra? OP has already talked to her mum.

Great idea!

I can’t believe you’ve been doing this and that your DM has been letting you! If you were hosting, that’d be one thing, but you're going to her house, paying for it all and cooking for her mates! She’s treating you like a skivvy.

Stop this now - tell her now so she has lots of notice. Start saving hard for your own retirement.

Go away for Christmas or if you do go to hers she must pay for all food and drink while you cook in exchange (or whatever you’re comfortable with).

JFC.

Cancel the cheque!

Yes, if only that had actually happened

Spoiler alert: That's what has actually happened.

Oh! 🤭

Did your mum give you a reply?

YANBU, but if she's coming to you make sure she doesn't invite the neighbours too. Or the only thing that will change is the venue.

I’ve never understood the mentality of people going to someone’s house and not contributing, but maybe it’s because of my family dynamics. It was my mum, me, my sister and BIL.

Nine times out of ten, I’d host. I’d do the food shop, cook the meal, etc. However, no quibbles involved, we’d split the cost between us for the majority of the food. If there was stuff that would do me for longer than there stay, I wouldn’t include it on the “bill”. But we’d split it for the main items.

I wouldn’t dream of going to someone else’s and not contributing. I’d be bloody grateful, for a start, that they were hosting and cooking.

Christmas is expensive, have the conversation now - responses will be telling and will probably elicit further advice.