To want to stop paying all Xmas hosting costs

[Grinch26]

Morning,

After some constructive advice really.

For the last 10 years approx I have gone back to my widowed mum's for Xmas.

I buy all food and drink and cook for her friends and neighbours Xmas day and boxing day and other days just her and me or maybe the odd one of her friends joins.

Mum has plenty of money , it's just one of those family patterns which we keep repeating.

I'm looking at retirement in the not too distant future ( work restructuring and I think getting a new role in late 50s will be a challenge ) and want to see if we can share the costs a bit more equitably , and ask the neighbours and friends to contribute by bringing something maybe a desert or cheese etc

Am I being being tight ? And how would I go about it if not ?!

Its prob 500 odd of food and drink and I would feel better if cost shared , I'm happy to do all cooking and also recognise that mum is hosting in her home so paying for utilities etc

OP, would it be possible for you and your Mum to go away together over Christmas as a special treat to mark your retirement?

I'm thinking perhaps something like this.

You would return home feeling that you had had a really nice break.

https://gonvillehotel.co.uk/christmas/festive-stay-packages

I too host Christmas have for almost 30 years and I’m 60. Everyone has helped but as the older generation has died the younger generation really hasn’t stepped up. I dramatically cut back on gifts and only gift my 2 dc and my nephew. I also stopped buying alcohol. I don’t really drink or frankly eat on the holiday. Everyone helps but weirdly planning prepping and cooking food diminishes my appetite.

I host my dad and my brother/ nephew and my DH/ dc and other family members which fluctuates up to 8 additional people. Family dynamics are funny. I had to tell my unmarried 59 y.o cousin to bring something to share. He is so infantilized by his family he just rocks up to every party with nothing to eat or drink. intold my brother to pay my dad for the ham which is a “side dish” at our holiday. The real meat is a standing rib roast which has gotten dramatically more expensive the last two years.

all thing to say OP…I love these people. I AM Christmas . Without me there wouldn’t be much Christmas for my dad brother or nephew. No way would I host let alone pay for their friends or neighbors. People can be very lazy and assume it’s all taken care of.

You need to reset. I would very much plan to host dmum and sibling only and only christmas day. This way there is still
a celebration for your loved ones but less expense work and assumptions! I had to end the three days eating and partying at my house because I didn’t get to enjoy my uni age dc or myself as I was always working.

put an end to this. 10 yrs is long enough generous enough and you aren’t obligated to any of this.

First post nails it.

Don’t say you need a contribution, say you can’t afford it. After all these years of you paying for everything it would only be fair that you don’t pay anything this year, especially if you do all the work! It doesn’t mean you can’t bring anything but if you only say « contribution » you might get 10£/20£ and still be left to foot the rest of the bill.

Blimey OP you’ve been putting a shift in every year at your expense. You are definitely NBU! Have any of the neighbours or friends ever contributed or offered over the years? If not, they are cheeky fuckers in my opinion.

Hosting Christmas is expensive and also very tiring and it shouldn’t fall to you to keep facilitating this,

If you still want to spend Christmas with your mum, I’d suggest she comes to you instead, so it’s just one person to cater for, her friends and neighbours will have to find someone else to freeload from.

If you’d rather do your own thing, be honest and say that you’ve done it for x amount of years, you’ll be retiring and need to prioritise yourself and take care of your money. I’d start that conversation now though

Set up a WhatsApp group. Explain you are retiring soon and would really appreciate it if everyone could bring a dish or something to help. Set out a list of everything needed and see who steps up. Hopefully the majority will.

I think you need to have an honest but non confrontational conversation. It feels very awkward talking about money but it doesn't have to be.
I am not yet nearing retirement but was at one point in a much tighter financial situation than my mum (still working but salary lower than her pension and I had just bought a house so had no savings left and was paying a large mortgage while she was mortgage free). Somehow we had fallen into a pattern of my mum not spending money because she felt financially insecure so would save wherever possible. The problem was these savings would involve things like not buying in food or going to a restaurant for occasions because "it's cheaper and nicer to cook at home". The problem being then I was buying in all the food and while I don't mind cooking instead of going out as a large family it meant all the costs went on me. Then I was helping her with her finances and suddenly realised she was much much better of than me.
I think if it had been left to fester it could have caused resentment but I didn't want it to sound like I was jealous she had more money than me, I didn't want her to worry I was very poor and struggling either or that I was accusing her of taking advantage. But the actual conversation was absolutely fine. I had built it up into a much bigger issue than it was and now she helps cover costs she had left to me. She wasn't trying to make me pay for her, it is just that it hasn't occurred to her than when I did the shopping or ordered a taxi etc it was all coming from my bank account.

So I would suggest just having a conversation about a fairer way of spreading costs. And keep it factual and non emotional.

Take a year off and let them sort it out themselves.

Say no as they are all taking you for a mug.

I think it has been a lovely gift to your mum doing all the work AND paying. But it has now become an obligation and to be honest a bit cheeky of all the friends and neighbours who attend… I can’t imagine going for Christmas or Boxing Day and NOT offering to contribute money or wine or a dish…

…so…

… I wonder if your mum has in the past said to them “oh don’t worry Grinch26 loves doing Christmas, it’s no trouble at all, we just enjoy your company!”

Can I suggest then, a different approach?

For the big Boxing Day event, do a little Christmas party paper invitation and ask your mum to circulate it to the guests. Ask your mum to let people know you’re finding Xmas Day and Boxing Day all a bit much, so instead this year hoping to do a buffet to share the work, but there will be a little trivia quiz or a game of charades to make things more festive.

Invititatko should say on it:

“Boxing Day “bring-a-dish” buffet and party! please tick below any of the items you think you may be able to provide for the buffet at our new Boxing Day Party, and we’ll let you know by end of November how many guests are coming and which type of dish you can bring:

• Salad
• crudités
• bread
• cheese
• cold meat
• crisps and crackers
• dips
• wine
• soft Drinks
• dessert/treats”

Then you can work out who brings what, fill in the gaps, and provide a few hot dishes eg pigs in blankets, mini jacket potatoes, etc.

How on earth is it £500+ for you and your mum and a neighbour or two? I spend about £250 on Xmas dinner for 16!

So ten years @ £500 a year 😵‍💫 I know you would have spent some of this money anyway but you have obviously spent a considerable sum of money on mostly people you don’t know very well.

I can’t believe your mum is ok with you doing this financially or just doing all the cooking for ten years.

Personally I would stop doing it and either your mum sorts out payment (however she chooses to) and your sibling cooks or they do a Christmas pot luck dinner.

I would stop doing this completely and maybe have a year at home quietly in front of the tv

I make a spreadsheet of all the meals/ingredients and my parents and I split it 50:50.

My sister’s financial circumstances are different, but she always organises an online order of lovely nibbles and extras to be delivered as she arrives by train. She’s also an amazing help with cooking, washing up etc so her contribution in that way is invaluable.

@Grinch26I think a proper conversation with your mum is needed. Make a list of everything you think will need to be bought, or just a list of all the meals, and work through it with her, dividing up who will pay for what.

When you've made those sorts of efforts for years and no one has thought to offer to help either financially or practically, it comes to be seen as "the way things are" and when you stop things from being "the way they are" because you're exhausted/broke or whatever, people don't generally think "blimey, she did all that for us for a decade", they tend to think along the lines of "where has my Christmas gone?" Just warning you - be prepared for some awkwardness.

You do need to say something OR stump up £500 and go home with a ton of resentment. Those are your two choices here.

Yeah. Just say with changed circumstances and the cost of living etc. you simply are not in a position to be able to pay any more. You dont have to be nasty about it. Of course you don t have to be involved at all, but if you want to do things in a kindly way just be honest. If they all then get shirty about it then thats their problem.

It’s so easy to spend £500 over Christmas Eve to Boxing Day. You don’t even need that much booze to get to that figure. The turkey / goose alone is well over £100 from the butcher.

Yes I've added it up!

Booze, prosecco, baileys wine etc etc
Christmas cake
Cheese board
Turkey
Ham
And it all adds up , it's breakfasts lunch and dinners for 5 or 6 days and although I don't drink any more most do!

I've decided to ask my mum if she wants to come to mine for Xmas and leave it at that

From the way the OP is written, it’s possible that the mum has lost track of how much things like Christmas costs. My mum is 80 and is perpetually astonished at the price of things - she still thinks it’s the mid 90s.

Sorry but that can’t be much of a dinner for 16 people… Food must be extremely cheap in the UK, maybe I should go and stock up!
A pity with the tourist tax.

We had 14 for Christmas day last year, and a fair few on Christmas Eve. Our food bill was nearly £700 and I'm just not doing it again this year. Sod all the baking and days of preparation - we're having a roast dinner, with a nice pudding/cheese board after and if anyone wants anything else, they can bring it themselves. My food shop budget is £300 and I won't be going over it.

The thing is that as we're now in the run up to Christmas (!) you need to sort this quickly, so you can nip everyone's expectations in the bud. No need to make a huge thing of it - but you have to tell your mum that Christmas has to be different this year, as you can't afford to pay to host/entertain everyone. So it will be family only, and she's going to have to share the cost. Even your sibling should be asked to make some kind of contribution.

If she still wants to go ahead and entertain friends and neighbours as well, then she will have to pay for that.

Be firm and stand your ground!

I think that is very sensible. You’re basically paying for Christmas for several other adults. Do none of the neighbours contribute anything? Seems incredibly cheeky if they don’t.

Shes your mum and unless you don't want to say then I take it you had a decent upbringing or you wouldn't want to make an effort. It's none of your business how much money she has. And £500 could be saved up through the year. We host Christmas and that week when everyone is in & out. My dad comes over with his "companion" I know they are loaded but I never ever complain or suggest any guest brings anything. Why is everything so monetised these days no more family time or enjoyment just complaining about costs! If you really can't afford it just tell your mum that you don't want to cause problems but your skint. Otherwise don't gripe about it just get on with it & enjoy Christmas with your mum while she's still with you

Yes totally.

And yes it's expensive, especially if it's not just Christmas Dinner. We don't spend a huge amount as my family is small and we don't eat that much either, but if you want a decent free range turkey that is over £100 alone, before you've bought the veg, the pudding, some extra alcohol if you drink it, chocolates etc.